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Is the grass ever really greener?

(19 Posts)
MartyDoc Thu 08-Jun-17 20:45:12

So I need the usual sensible talking to from strangers confused
In a nutshell..
met DH at uni ten years ago...also had a good male friend in our large group of friends. We always had chemistry but both ignored it (i had a boyfriend, now DH, and he because he's a nice guy) no sneaky shenanigans, nothing.. it went on for ages.
Anyway before I married DH I slept with this friend. Just one time, one night, never repeated. Yes I am aware I am a shit. Now married and two kids. I talk to the old friend now and again (we don't live close enough to meet up) but he has a Gf now.
ANYWAY sometimes I panic I've made a huge mistake not admitting ages ago that I like him..I often think of us in a 'couples' situation confused I'm not sure how much I love DH anymore, have we become more friends, is this normal tho after kids? We see little of each other with busy jobs which doesn't help.
God I don't think I'm even clear what I'm asking confused someone to tell me to get over this old thing? Surely it can't be anything as only spent that one night together? It's just the awful feeling of what ifs... has anyone ever taken a crazy leap of faith?! I'm wondering if this is a grass seeming greener but it's really not case..

Minime85 Thu 08-Jun-17 20:54:23

Not that it necessarily helps but I always say the grass is never greener, it's just different grass

SleepingTiger Thu 08-Jun-17 20:56:15

This is what so many other posters over the years here have told us;

The grass looks greener.
When you are the other side it turns out just the same.
In the process lives are destroyed.
You regret it and want to turn the clock round but cannot.
Turns out to be the biggest mistake of your life.

Coffeegrain Thu 08-Jun-17 20:59:45

The grass is definitely greener now I'm divorced grin

MartyDoc Thu 08-Jun-17 21:27:57

Thank you all...interesting that it's a mixed response. I think I am so aware that it might seem greener .. but is it really hmm
I know it seems completely crazy to even consider anything over a night of fun years ago confused
I guess I need to split the two things up and work out if I'm happily married or not first. I wouldn't want to split up another couple either .. I know the guy thinks about our one night but at the end of the day he's with someone now.

pudding21 Thu 08-Jun-17 21:29:05

I saw a saying that said " the grass is only greener on the other side because you forgot to water yours" or something like that.

It depends on how much and how much effort you are prepared to put into your own relationship I suppose.

Laiste Thu 08-Jun-17 21:30:24

Don't know how many years you've been married OP, but i was in a similar situation to you for the first few years of my first marriage. I had second (third and fourth!) thoughts on my wedding night. I was quite young. Too scared to back out and went through with wedding. I successfully pushed the feelings for the other bloke to the back of my mind, moved miles away, and that was that. Took about 5 or 6 years to pass altogether, but it did. In that time i had 4 lovely DCs.

Except it wasn't happy ever after. Because another 5/6 years down the line in my 30s i was still living my life trying to convince myself i was happy. Loved the DCs, not the 'D'H. Tried to stick it out, tried everything, but long story short met and fell for someone else. It was inevitable tbh.

So for me, grass used to be grey, now it's vibrantly green.

MartyDoc Thu 08-Jun-17 21:39:39

It's so hard isn't it. Your advice and wise words really bring it home, it would be so hard to hurt my children and my husband..he is the nicest guy. It is more of a case like he feels like my best friend..I can't decide if this is because of lack of time spent together or if it's gradually been fading ever since my cheating sad
I do feel I don't fancy him .. I think confused but mostly I just feel so bad that I'm even thinking any of these things. But like Laiste I have a niggle whether I will regret it.
I know nobody can tell me what to do but thank you all

flossiepie Thu 08-Jun-17 22:14:36

I have the similar situation and wonder if that's how it should be after a good while married and kids, more like a companionship. My DH is also a lovely bloke but there's no spark or passion, but thinking back I'm not sure if there ever was. Strangely I wanted him to do something wrong so I had an excuse to leave...but that must sound barking and I should be grateful for having a kind loving man. No easy answers, have you spoken to your DH about your relationship,?

TheNaze73 Thu 08-Jun-17 22:30:07

I think it can be. Depends who's mowing the lawn

BadHatter Thu 08-Jun-17 22:33:11

Your husband still went through with the marriage even after you told him you cheated on him? Sounds like a forgiving soul.

MartyDoc Thu 08-Jun-17 22:35:15

Yes that sounds like me flossiepie perhaps it's just normal to feel like this after 10/11 years and kids.. I'm pretty sure the only doubt in my mind is that I fancy the other guy still, more than I do my poor, lovely DH. But relationships turn out to be more about regular day to day stuff don't they, not just sex.
I haven't spoken to him about it. I guess cos I don't want to plant any seeds of doubt confused

flossiepie Thu 08-Jun-17 22:40:32

I met someone too which didn't help and find myself looking at other men when I never did in the past. The sex (or lack of) is our problem but it seems so many people are living sexless marriages which is rather sad. The advice I was given was to spend more time together as a couple, we did try and it's always nice as we get on great but something is missing. I was also asked how I'd feel if we split up and i saw him with another woman and if I'd be upset or not

MartyDoc Thu 08-Jun-17 22:48:10

Seems like good advice flossie I dont mind hanging out etc with my husband still, we rarely fight but again we don't see each other much really hmm
I know now I've offloaded here that this really comes down to attraction..and that I'm still attracted to this other guy (I know that's bad but you can't help who you fall for) and not DH.
SO ... what is more important? And I think the reason I'm still here is because the happiness of my kids and DH is most important.

flossiepie Thu 08-Jun-17 22:53:54

Sounds exactly the same as me. I think aswell it's nice to feel attractive and wanted and after a while in a marriage and not just a mum. Is it likely you'll see this other guy?

MartyDoc Thu 08-Jun-17 22:57:56

You've probably summed it up! I like him and it's nice to feel wanted back when you're getting older and have kids and your body is a bit knackered wink not that DH complains of course.
I don't think so..he has his GF and they've bought a house so that's serious too..I think we've sort of agreed we won't see each other as we know there'll always be chemistry and sometimes others have noticed it too. We text each other but only friendly texts nothing more.

JuicyCake Thu 08-Jun-17 23:09:38

Same thing here, except me & the bloke never got together. Met up with him before I got hitched & he said that he couldn't believe I was getting married... He's felt the same way as me over the years, but for some reason... I don't even know why we didn't? We've both shagged mutual friends, we missed loads of opportunities... Thought about him a lot before I got married.
Saw him last week (still mates) and the attraction is deffo there! I know he'd be the brilliant shag that my husband isn't... Luckily I had a footloose youth, so I'm good for great shags! Funny thing is, him & DH get on like a house on fire!

Lelloteddy Thu 08-Jun-17 23:11:15

Yeah grass is usually greener when it's fertilised with bullshit.

MartyDoc Thu 08-Jun-17 23:21:44

juicy grin youth seems a long time ago grin but's prob not that important now I guess. Carry on as we are is my option then.

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