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Friendly Advice please..16 months post split

(9 Posts)
user1470296287 Thu 08-Jun-17 09:00:29

Hi my story is done but still a bit lost,
EH left me suddenly last March after 18 years together it was a massive shock i was devastated and sunk very low. I always had my suspicions there was OW tucked away up North but this has never been proven.

My question is what would you think if you have had no contact other than a few brief emails in over a year. We live in the same town about 5 minutes away from each other but i have not seen him around at all, he collects and drops our DS off once a week but always parks well away from the house.
We recently moved into a house that i have managed to secure from the ruins of our old life and we are now settled, he sent my son a txt saying he was was happy that we have all moved on as he saw a photo of me on FB opening the door to our new home.We are not friends on any social media accounts.
Its all a bit vague but after spending 18 years with someone who i never would of dreamed would treat us like this it seems he has completely done everything he can to lie low and forget our past life.

Is this guilt maybe ? or just a desire to forget that part of his life ever happened. I find it very strange as i read other posts about still having some form of contact even becoming friendly after the dust has settled.

I have moved on in a practical way but emotionally find it very hurtful that i can be wiped out in this way as if the years and marriage and myself meant nothing.

Everybody that knew us have said how strange the whole split has been and are shocked that he could throw everything away without a backward glance.

Do you think maybe now the dust has settled and we have all moved on he is ashamed about the way he ended it and treated me.

Thanks for any replies or opinions on this as I'm just stuck and don't know what to think.

Onceafortnight Thu 08-Jun-17 09:06:11

It's hard to say isn't it? He might have had a pang of guilt or more likely a put out feeling that you have moved on when he saw the picture of you in your new home.

In a way I think that the arrangement where he just drops your dc off is ideal. It prevents all the drama that some families have to endure (still going on five years later.)

cakecakecheese Thu 08-Jun-17 09:16:19

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Have you spoken to anyone, a councellor maybe? As you don't sound like you've properly processed everything, which is understandable as you were together a long time and it was a very big shock.

The main thing is that he still has a relationship with his son but regarding you it sounds like he's done a clean break, this must be very hurtful for you but it really is much better than the sort of hanging around giving you false hope approach that some people take.

Second guessing how he's feeling and what he's thinking isn't helping you. Keep busy, you must have a lot of house stuff to do? Maybe try some social activities but above all as I said before I really think some councelling would be very beneficial to you.

SmokedGlass Thu 08-Jun-17 09:28:29

Hi - the very same thing is happening to me, was with exh for 30 yrs +
and have an adult daughter with him whom he sees very regularly
I have never had an email from him, telephone call or text in the 3 years since we split, he never mentions my name to mutual old friends, family or colleagues and never asks our daughter about me or how I am
I think Ive only seen him twice in three years
He left me

It's as if I never existed and meant nothing, which like you, makes me sad and very hurt
My exh has wiped his memory of 30 years of family life together
I don't think it's guilt, remorse, regret or anything, we've just been compartmentalised

user1470296287 Thu 08-Jun-17 13:02:04

Thankyou for the replies,
I'm just having a wobble today just find it hard that all that shared history can be severed so abruptly and someone who claimed to love and care for you can just walk away and never look back.

TheNaze73 Thu 08-Jun-17 13:31:42

He's clearly moved on. He had a head start on you though. You have a blank canvass now, go for it.
Don't hanker about the past, he's done

scottishdiem Thu 08-Jun-17 16:00:34

As TheNaze73 says, he is ahead of you. Doing this is not an overnight decision. If you had been together for almost two decades, did he wait for your DS was a certain age before doing this. As annoying and painful as it sounds, he might not be feeling guilt but instead relief.

A clean break does allow you to move on though. You have a new place and now need to continue building that new life.

isitjustme2017 Thu 08-Jun-17 16:08:21

Maybe he just finds it easier to move on this way. There could be loads of different reasons why he is avoiding contact: He finds it easier/He regrets his decision now/doesn't care..... Although if he didn't care I doubt he would go out of the way to avoid you (parking away from the house??).

ravenmum Thu 08-Jun-17 16:15:16

My ex stays away from me at my request. We sometimes have a coffee after a divorce appointment, but frankly I've always come away from that feeling thoroughly pissed off and sorry I did it. He just acts like we are two good old friends, when I can just think about how he treated me during his affair and has never even acknowledged he might have been wrong in any way.

Are you sure this is such a bad thing?

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