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I'm done with my marriage. Mums of young children, please give me your happy endings.

(30 Posts)
Nottalotta Thu 08-Jun-17 03:53:27

If my husband punching the wall and kicking the door withing a foot of me holding our 3 day old baby weren't enough, somehow staying at my parents (because he is being so unpleasant) and having the toddler wake up at night inconsolable, and now sitting on the single bed, feeding the baby, making sure the toddler doesn't fall out at I can get him back in the cot. This somehow is tipping me over the edge.

He's controlling, and emotionally/mentally abusive. He's like a dark cloud. Negative, draining. I don't know what it says about me that I've put up with it for so long. I won't have my children exposed o it though.

I don't know why I'm posting really. I suppose I feel quite alone with it. And tbh I'm shitting myself about the next months/year. But it will be better, won't it.

CoffeeAndEnnui Thu 08-Jun-17 04:00:09

It will absolutely be better. Because you've made up your mind that it will. Right now you're going to make a change for your children's sake but that change is for you too. You all deserve better and once that dark cloud has been lifted a better life is exactly what you will have.

Love, luck and strength to you for the days to come flowers

ferriswheel Thu 08-Jun-17 04:10:16

My stbxh wasn't physical with his aggression but he was and is mentally, emotionally and financially controlling.

He's been out of the house for almost three weeks. Its not been easy but it is so much better.

I know there's a long road ahead but I know I am finally on it.

Wind Aid helped me a lot. Have you been there?

CherriesInTheSnow Thu 08-Jun-17 04:10:42

I've not got any experience but I just wanted to offer a hand hold flowers

Please remember, no matter what he says, that you are doing the right thing and the best thing for those small children.

Violence is NEVER acceptable. And a newborn right there too. WTF. But please remember as well that this, his behaviour, the end of the relationship, is in no way your fault. And congratulations on you little one flowers

ferriswheel Thu 08-Jun-17 04:10:41

Also,one are 1, 2 and 4.

lizzieoak Thu 08-Jun-17 04:20:24

It absolutely will be better. You will be the parent who sets the mood, who has the surety of knowing you and the kids will feel emotionally and physically safe.

I got divorced when my youngest was 5. Sometimes I've been lonely, I've worried about money. But I've never been anything but relieved and (frankly) rather impressed with my ability to soldier on and make a family of me and the kids and do all and everything. Single parents are heroes.

Millionsmom Thu 08-Jun-17 04:23:48

I promise if you stick to whatever great plan you have for your DCs future, it WILL get better and be ok.
On my DS1s 4 birthday as I was sat in a homeless shelter because my XH had physically thrown me and the DC out onto the street, I decided enough was enough and to not take the abuse from him anymore. My 3 DC didn't 'deserve' to have their lives destroyed by him - I felt I did otoh, a pattern of abuse started by my parents - so I made a plan.
I wish I could say it was plain sailing after that, but EVENTUALLY the plan worked. I did take him back - he was so sorry, he'd change, I mis understood, the kids needed a dad etc - but I finally woke up and threw HIM out for good 1 more child and 4 more years down the line. It truly was a turning point.
You've 'got' this, you can do it, you're AMAZING, it is worth it because YOU and your DC are too.
flowers and a hand to hold from one who walked the same path years ago.

Millionsmom Thu 08-Jun-17 04:43:39

Almost forgot my happy ending!

Met a guy 3 years later, knew he was the one, but as he was 18 - and I was 27 with 4 DC - did nothing. His mate married my mate. We met each other every once in a while, he got engaged to someone for a while.
Then one weekend 2 more years down the line, I needed a lift to a residential retreat and he offered to take me, then asked if he could go too. His car broke down and we both walked 7 miles to a bus stop to get back to our friends - who were looking after my 4 DC. He asked me on a date. I pointed out how impossible it was and he said my age and DC weren't going to stop him asking. So a week later we went to the science museum - I know, the height of romance, but it was free and neither of us had much money - 2 weeks later I asked him to marry me. 3 weeks later we got married! We have our 22nd wedding anniversary this November. He worked a lot of dead end jobs just to put food on the table, eventually he got a start with a great company who put him through University. We now live in the Middle East, our DC are all grown and are fabulous I might add and we live a life only dreamed about by most people. He's a bit of an arse at times - but I am too. He's NEVER made me feel small or less than I am, he still doesn't care about my age and we're both still crazy about each other.
Good men/women do exist, I promise. You can have a happy ever after too.

ferriswheel Thu 08-Jun-17 04:46:58

millions that is an amazing story. How did you trust yourself?

Igmum Thu 08-Jun-17 04:57:44

💐💐💐 Right decision Nottalotta, you are a brave and wonderful woman. I had a violent drink and drug addicted ex. When he got arrested and social services told me to stop him coming round I could not believe the relief. My toddler daughter's behaviour improved. She still has problems because of what she went through then but we are both so much happier at not living with violence. That's a start to a happy ending and I hope it gets so much better 💐💐💐

MyheartbelongstoG Thu 08-Jun-17 05:06:47

I was married to a bastard for 12 years. He kicked me, gave me carpet burns on my face, headbutted me, broke my ribs.....

I'm now with the nicest man that ever walked the planet, he is wonderful.

I have three children and honestly didn't think anyone would be interested in me.

I've often said I hate my ex for taking the best years of my life until I realised I'm living them now.

Get out op, you won't regret it. Good luck.

Millionsmom Thu 08-Jun-17 05:15:48

ferris
I was single for 5 years, it's a lot of alone time. Learning to 'spot' red flags as MN calls it. We - DH and I - met socially every now and then and I'd hear the gossip about him too. I was totally expecting he'd be a typical wrong un at some point during the 2 years we knew of each other, but he wasn't. When we started dating, I realised he made me happy, I was expecting to be dumped/discover he was a wrong un any day, but it never happened.

ferriswheel Thu 08-Jun-17 08:22:33

millions

I am as far away from being ready for a relationship as I can imagine. It is very comforting to know there can be life again.

I guess I'm still in the early stages of recovery from narcissistic abuse and in order to cope I'm a bit of a hermit. It seems impossible that he is not part of my daily thoughts.

Millionsmom Thu 08-Jun-17 10:13:49

ferris
You'll discover one day you haven't thought about him in a while. Eventually, it's less and less. But time does heal. Time can't 'fix' him or erase the memories, but it does heal you.

Take Care of yourself ferris and importantly, be KIND to yourself.

alembec Thu 08-Jun-17 10:47:09

Notta, I remember you from the baby sleep threads, I think our toddlers are about the same age and we both clearly suffered the sleepless nights together. I have also separated from my LO's dad. Won't lie, it isn't easy, but no one deserves the thread of physical violence, least of all your children. I always think, whatever someone might do to me, they might do to my kids, and whilst I might put up with some crap, I love my child enough that I wouldn't ever allow the same for him. It's time for us to love ourselves as we love our children (and, frankly, our shitty other halves).

Flowers and a hand hold.xxx

Nottalotta Thu 08-Jun-17 15:00:41

Thank you all. I didn't think I'd get any responses so these are great to read. I'm so glad there are happy endings.

I often wonder if people are as happy as they claim in their relationship, I just can't imagine it.
myheart you hit the nail on the head. I was 24 when we got together, nearly 40 now. And have been thinking what a waste of my nest years. But maybe you're right and my best years are yet to come. It's a nice thought.

Thank you all again, it's early days, but I just need to stick to my 'grand plan' and aim higher. I have good family support.

ponygirlcurtis Thu 08-Jun-17 15:21:36

Notta my husband was an abusive arsehole too, he was also one who would intimidate and shove when I was holding the baby (they know you are extra vulnerable and will want to do anything to capitulate to protect your baby). One day I had just had enough and left while he was at work, with our 5-month-old and my older DS. That was 5 years ago last month and I have just realised that anniversary went past without me noticing for the first time. shock Me and my boys are happily settled in our own house and life is good. It took a while to get to that point but we did it. You will too, but it's a forwards and backwards emotional rollercoaster. flowers for you.

Nottalotta Thu 08-Jun-17 18:21:45

Ds1 has really been out of sorts lately. He'll be 2 at the end of next month. I don't know if it's terrible twos starting, the fact that he is not yet speaking (so frustration) him picking up on the atmosphere at hone, new baby brother. Provably all of the above. I do know I'd feel happier dealing with it alone though. His dad called him a little bastard last week for splashing in the bath.

Wallywobbles Thu 08-Jun-17 21:44:45

I was married to a total arse wipe. Now I'm married (9 years later) to the kindest man in the world. If the price to pay to have DH2 was arse wipe, then it was a price worth paying.

Nottalotta Thu 08-Jun-17 23:06:25

I've just endured nearly two hours of being ranted at. I managed almost an hour before he drew me in. We cannot communicate at all, he knows this, he's threatened divorce, to leave etc so many times. But now I think he knows I'm at the end of my tether.

Hepainted this lovely picture, he's saving so I can have the full years maternity, and then hopefully not have to go back to work, we can go on holiday, the mortgage company have offered a better deal saving over £200 pcm, we can do this that and the other. Bur, he says, I just don't seem interested. Well no, because I can't do or say anything without a bad reaction, mood, ranting, foul mood from him. Why on earth would I ne planning a holiday? So then he asks, what's better? What's better than the life we've got? Your working days will be over if we split up, we'll lose the house, what will I do with my elderly pony? Where will she live? Unless I get lucky and find a new man to take me and the babies on of course.

theansweris42 Thu 08-Jun-17 23:11:30

Truly op, things will get better. Things might be precarious with money for a bit, but very soon from when you don't live with him, you (and so DC) will feel so much much better flowers

theansweris42 Thu 08-Jun-17 23:12:53

I'm a single mum of 2 OP working full time. There are hordes of us.
A solution will come about the pony.

theansweris42 Thu 08-Jun-17 23:14:41

Oh op. The splashing in the bath reaction really brings my ex back. It's awful.
He asks what's better and you've given the answer...anything , without his bullying.

ponygirlcurtis Thu 08-Jun-17 23:15:07

The lovely picture is a fantasy. He knows it's the fantasy you want though, which is why he's 'offering' it and why it's such a strong pull for you. I won't lie, my desire for the fantasy, what I felt we were so so close to having but just always seemed a finger's width away, kept me tied for a long time, even after I had left. We were so close to having such a lovely life, I thought. But it really is fantasy - if you could have this lovely picture it would have happened before now. It's perfectly normal to feel sad for this fantasy being fantasy though.

Nottalotta Fri 09-Jun-17 00:06:53

I've managed the pony (several at one time) for longer than I've had the husband and will continue to do so. He's just trying to scare me. The thing is, re the 'fantasy' is that he says it'd just within reach, but when he's talking all I can think.is how far we are from.it.

And yes, 42 spot on. Anything is better.

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