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6 months on... dc after separation(5 Posts)
I was just sitting here reading some of my old threads that I posted when I was at my most miserable back in January - mostly I felt incredibly trapped and that id never ever be able to make the mess of situation into anything remotely better for the dc or for me.
My ds (now 11) was my biggest worry in all of it but I knew I had to get us all out of the situation with my fucking arsehole of a husband I just didn't know how I would do it whilst ensuring my dc were happy. I also have a dd4.
Anyway I did - I ended up reporting him to the police for EA and threatened to have him arrested and he, very reluctantly, left in February and moved into a house share.
I just wanted to update on the dc (for anyone stuck in a similar situation who is staying together for the kids).
At first it was very hard for ds - I think even though he knew what an arse his dad was/is he felt a lot of guilt and obligation and initially begged me not to split with him. When he left he was initially sad which then turned to anger, some directed at me - sometimes he would be angry that his dad had gone, sometimes he would then be angry that I hadn't left him sooner! It must have been incredibly confusing for him. I encouraged him to talk to me and told him he could say anything without guilt or judgement. Some nights he would just sit on my knee like a baby and sob. Some nights he would punch his pillows but then the times like this became more and more infrequent, until it was maybe once a week.
Then it changed to him waking in the night to nightmares that me and his dad had got back together! I have asked him whether he would ever want that and he says ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I'm sure he's not completely ok (and there will likely be times when he still wants to talk) but honestly he hardly ever even mentions it now and it's not about protecting my feelings at all as I have said that he can say anything he likes to me.
He and his sister go to their dad's once or twice a week and sometimes he'll have a moan to me if his dad has been unreasonable but it's a visit - he comes home and we have a chat about anything he's not been that happy with. It's like we have created our own little safe space here.
I just wanted to give this perspective on it for those people who are thinking about the affect it will have on their dc - especially the older ones as I reckon it can be much harder for them. The conclusion is that it is the best thing I could have done for my dc and I do wish I hadn't wasted so much time dithering about it. All kids are different I know that but ultimately they all just want their mum to be strong for them, to set a good example, to own their mistakes (and I have told my ds that I definitely let him down by not leaving sooner and I mean it) and to give them the opportunity to express all their mixed up feelings about it all.
I was out of work for 7 weeks after my stbx left but now I have found an even better job and have just had a mortgage acceptance in principal for me to buy him out of the house too so the difficult initial days seem to be leaving us behind even though I had many sleepless nights about whether I could actually handle al this by myself. Guess what, I can!! And you can too
So great to hear how well you are all doing
That's fantastic to hear op and hopefully an inspiration for others in a similar position
I doubted myself a lot in the early weeks because I was so down too, especially when my ds seemed to be in so much pain too. But I reminded myself that expressing your feelings is healthy!! Sometimes he just comes and hugs me and says he loves me so much. He said to me the other day 'mum, you are so amazing!' I asked him what he meant and he said 'you got rid of dad!'
Thank you for this post, OP. It's helped reassure me that I made the right decision 6 months ago too (ex is still living in family home-for another 6 months) it's hell tbh and I'm desperate to start my new life with my children but we're getting there. Atm my children aren't aware we have split up (both under 5yo). The eldest is certainly aware things have changed/the atmosphere is tense etc but I'm trying so damn hard to shield them from it atm and I am ultimately dreading having to explain that daddy will be living somewhere new etc. My eldest is a very sensitive child so will take it extremely hard I know, but hopefully time and seeing that mummy is much happier will help. I'm do glad to hear that you feel happy with your decision and that your DC are dealing with the break up well.
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