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Shall I try to rebuild the trust in my relationship?

(26 Posts)
wonderingstar01 Wed 07-Jun-17 15:20:52

I've wanted to post here for some time about the breakdown of my relationship but resisted because I was very emotional, going from being upset and angry to remorseful and considering a reconciliation. Only now, two months later, do I feel able to see things more objectively and would appreciate your thoughts on my next steps. If you have been in a similar situation then I'd really like to know how it worked out for you. I have NC for this as DH knows my user name.

I was with my DH for 6 years, 2 of them married.

We have known each other at a distance for a long time but met through a mutual family member and it was a big shock to me when he told me how he felt about me as I had no idea. At the time, I was emotionally vulnerable having gone through some pretty horrific personal experiences so I was flattered and we started a relationship although we lived at opposite ends of the country for the first two years. I always saw him as a good, stable man.

I've always known that he has a very different outlook to me. I'm very private but liberal in my attitude to most things. My friends come from all kinds of backgrounds and I judge most people as I find them. I have a DD and have always encouraged her to be herself, in a safe way of course, to take life's opportunities, to have an opinion and to follow her own course in life. She's still only 16 but I'm very proud how things have worked out for her so far.

My DH on the other hand is very open and Victorian in his attitudes. He doesn't identify with anyone who isn't like him, finds fault in everyone and everything and places no value whatsoever on education or following dreams. He's a gossip.

In the early days, we did balance each other out somewhat. He'd give his opinion if he thought I was being too liberal and I'd try to encourage him to try new things and meet new people.

He put himself across to me as being a hard worker, striving to do the best for his family, strong, generous and would always take care of me.

Fast forward two years and he moved in with me. Up to that point, he was "unlucky" in finding work and I paid for everything except the small bills on his own house. A year later we are planning to get married and he still didn't go out to work. He said he didn't like were we lived (I've always lived here so he knew where he was coming to), he didn't feel like he wanted to establish his business as he was unsure whether he could live here, he had no friends but made no attempts to make any. Basically he sat on the sofa all day, telling me what a hardworking, solid individual he was but none of it translated into action.

I continued to pay for everything, including loaning him money, but made one fatal mistake in that I didn't tell him I was running out of money and couldn't keep him anymore. I was embarrassed, I thought after all the convincing, encouraging, nagging I'd tried so he would go out to work would make him see sense. Also, I didn't want him to be involved in my finances because I was now unsure whether he was just with me for money.

Last year, 18 months after he moved in with me having paid absolutely nothing towards housekeeping, I told him he'd need to start going out to work and making a contribution towards our bills as I couldn't afford to do it any longer.

It seems this was the catalyst for him seeing me in a different light. I was no longer his saviour but he was now having to support me albeit I wasn't asking for much.

He'd always been somewhat controlling but I didn't let him get away with it but now that I needed him, he ramped up the control and reacted to everything with passive aggressive anger. We started arguing and I felt I was always under attack, every conversation was like going into combat. I started shaping what I told him to avoid a reaction. Of course, I was effectively lying but felt I had no choice. I noticed my friends really didn't come round anymore and I began to feel isolated.

He began, very subtly, bringing my DD into it. We all have faults but he seemed to enjoy bringing hers into open conversation and embarrassing her. That made me even more defensive.

When I went to work, he convinced himself I was having an affair with every single man I came into contact with. He wanted me to sell up and move to the arse end of the country. My DD was never a consideration to him, just an opinionated inconvenience.

Two months ago, we got into an argument and he threw me across the room into a glass cabinet. I called the police but they didn't press charges because it was my word against his even though I was covered head to foot in bruises. I put him out and he moved back to his own house.

The first couple of weeks were terrible. He'd courted my neighbours and shared personal and financial information about me to them. He made up whatever lies he needed to to make me look like the bad guy. He discussed our private business with anyone who would listen but most of it was contrived. We sent horrible messages to each other, mainly based on anger. He stopped my access to bank accounts so I was left with no money.

As the anger subsided, we were able to speak to each other without argument. He asked me whether we could try and work things out to which I replied that I would be prepared to discuss everything that happen via a mediator as we have such a different perspective on things. He said there's no point in doing that because he knows what the problem is - my DD. Yes, he's settled on the fact she is to blame. She doesn't like him, no she doesn't but that's because of how he's treated me and in no way does her not liking him justify how he has behaved.

So, he's coming here tomorrow to collect some things. He's staying in a local hotel for a couple of days and wants to spend some time together away from everything. I don't want to be a divorced woman. I took my wedding vows seriously and despite lots of bad times, we have had good times, normally when we are away from the pressures of regular life.

However, is there hope with this man that I he can work on himself significantly to change his poor attitude to many aspects of life that most people take for granted. Can I rebuild trust in him? How will that work with my DD as her welfare is my first priority.

I am very confused as on paper, everything I have is telling me to walk away.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 07-Jun-17 15:42:32

God no.
Walk away.
In fact... RUN.
Do not meet him.
He's an abuser, controlling and violent.
WTF would you even contemplate this?
What would you tell your DD in this same situation?
You'd tell her to never look back and be fucking glad she was away from such a nasty bully.

I don't want to be a divorced woman
No-one does.
Nobody goes into a marriage thinking they will be divorced.
But shit happens.
Abusers show their true colours, others cheat and you HAVE to get a divorce.
It's part and parcel of an independent life now.
We don't put up with shit anymore.
This vile creature is a cocklodging, controlling, bullying abuser.
Keep him gone from yours and your DD life.
Imagine what you would be teaching her about what women put up with in relationships just to have the company of a 'man'!!!
Fuck that!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 07-Jun-17 15:46:43

Rather divorced than battered and abused surely?
If you can't find the strength to keep away for yourself then do it for your dd. .
Would you send her back to such a relationship??
No fucking chance I am sure.

noneedhere Wed 07-Jun-17 15:47:55

I'm not surprised you DD doesn't like him. He sounds awful.

Why would you want to sort things with him? He is trying to pin his outrageously abusive behaviour on your child?!

Just no.

wonderingstar01 Wed 07-Jun-17 15:55:16

I know what you are telling me is right. I just needed to hear it, multiple times.

Being in the right headspace to write it all down has been very cathartic in itself. You're right, if it was my DD I'd be desperate for her wellbeing if she was in the same situation.

thestamp Wed 07-Jun-17 16:18:18

Oh my god. Please do not waste any more of your one precious life on this awful useless man.

Don't meet him. Give him his shit and tell him to fuck off. And start divorce proceedings.

People don't change. He's made it really clear who he is, take him at his actions not his words. He is a criminal, an abuser and a liar. And he's hurting your DD. Don't let this continue. He will completely ruin your life if you let him.

mrholmes Wed 07-Jun-17 16:20:06

Would you rather be thrown in to a glass cabinet again?

ImperialBlether Wed 07-Jun-17 16:59:53

Ugh all that self-aggrandisement would make me sick. He's a violent cocklodger - why the hell do you want this to work?

Adora10 Wed 07-Jun-17 17:28:36

Jesus, this man will kill you if you take him back, he's a very dangerous man, please remember that glass cabinet!

Adora10 Wed 07-Jun-17 17:31:18

And even if the good times were 90% you should still not go anywhere near him, he cannot be trusted to control himself. He's also a cocklodger, there's actually nothing good in this man.

You say your daughter's welfare is your priority, then show it.

Hermonie2016 Wed 07-Jun-17 17:34:06

I don't think you can trust him as he has to own his issues and reflect but he seems incapable of that.His attitude to you when you separated gives you can indication of what he will do and say when he he's upset or slighted.

On a practical note are you better to be divorced so he has less claim on your property? Please see a solicitor and save guard your finances.

I think blaming your daughter is hideous and just him projecting everything onto others rather than take responsibility.


AhYerWill Wed 07-Jun-17 17:59:44

He's a violent abusive selfish entitled twat that will only bring misery to your door. Why are you even entertaining the idea of forcing your poor DD to live with a man that bullies and degrades her? Why would you choose 'being married' over the mental health of your child? Don't be a twat, of course he won't change, he'll do just enough to get his feet back under the table before he reverts to his true cunty self. They always do.

Tiredbutnotyetretired Wed 07-Jun-17 18:54:33

People dont change, next time will be worse, prove to your daughter how you rise above and walk away from any kind of abuse

Aquamarine1029 Wed 07-Jun-17 19:09:31

I don't think you appreciate the fact that your husband could KILL you, and he's just the sort of man who would. Controlling, blaming, always the victim, judgemental, emotionally and physically abusive.

I think you biggest problem and mental block in regards to WHY you haven't already permanently left him is because you haven't admitted to yourself that you have NEVER really known this man. For a while, he played "nice" and had you fooled. But you've seen what he is capable of and who he REALLY is. Believe him!

Get the fuck away from this monster.

ImperialBlether Wed 07-Jun-17 20:39:52

Why on earth did the Police respond like that? In any domestic violence situation it's usually one word against another. How was your husband saying you'd got hurt?

Beelzebop Wed 07-Jun-17 23:35:16

OP, I can totally understand how you feel about marriage being an important contract but he has already broken his contract with you. I am sure he had to say something about loving, honouring or cherishing. He is not doing any of these things, so it is not your guilt and the marriage has been broke by him. Xxxxx

wonderingstar01 Thu 08-Jun-17 00:17:39

Imperial - He said I have a bad knee and I fell over. I "fell" a distance of 12 foot. The balustrade broke, a lamp went flying and I smashed my head into a cabinet. The police officer who took my statement pulled the glass out with some tweezers. My DH is an excellent story teller. I heard him say to the policewoman that I just went crazy on him, threatened to push him down the stairs so he was defending himself. He told her he just wished he'd let me push him then he wouldn't be the one in the situation. He totally got them on side, with the exception of the officer who took my statement. DH was so calm, matter of fact and plausible, I actually questioned my own version of events.

PookieDo Thu 08-Jun-17 00:28:39

I don't think one person will come on this thread and tell you to try again.

You know, you KNOW this would be detrimental for yourself and for DD. She's a young woman - she should not have to live with this man. You should be setting her examples about acceptable behaviour and respect.

You need to put this down to a bad experience that you are thankfully almost free from. Please run. Before he harms you or even kills you. Before he takes all your sanity and destroys your relationship with DD

RedastheRose Thu 08-Jun-17 01:41:04

He is emotionally abusive and possibly narcissistic. Do not take him back, it is a horrible example of a relationship to show to your daughter.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 08-Jun-17 06:03:24

Do you even have to be there when he collects his stuff? Can't you leave it outside? Or have someone else supervise him in the house?

wonderingstar01 Thu 08-Jun-17 09:51:35

I've written those things down RedastheRose and pinned them up on my fridge! Everything on there is text-book DH. Add onto it "creates plausible stories to tell others to justify behaviour".

I want to be here when he collects his things because I want to tell him it's completely over and why. It may not make any difference to the overall outcome but I need to get it off my chest. There are plenty people milling about outside, in fact, people are working on my garden fence right outside the back door so nothing untoward is going to happen. He doesn't need to get into the house as I've put everything in the garage.

Wish me luck and I'll post an update later today.

rizlett Thu 08-Jun-17 10:03:16

you and your h have radically different belief systems op - it's never going to work no matter how hard you try - you have already changed as much of your behaviour as you can and is still isn't 'right'.

there is a man out there who will love you for you not for who you have to change yourself into in order for him to stay with you.

it is right to divorce your h who is controlling and abusive - and even occasionally sometimes nice to get what he wants regardless of anyone else.

maybe look at the freedom programme online to find out more about his abusive behaviour. speak to womens aid to get further support.

Changedname3456 Thu 08-Jun-17 11:46:53

I don't think you owe him anything, least of all an explanation (which he'll not accept and will almost certainly just twist around to fit his own internal monologue).

I get the marriage vows thing - it's exactly how I felt (as a husband) - but some marriages are not worth saving and this sounds like one of those. He's abusive, he's assaulted you and he's tormented your daughter.

Frankly, I'd put his stuff on the drive just before he's due, lock the doors and either go out or just ignore any attempts to ring the doorbell etc. Go NC apart from whatever you need to sort for the divorce - which can all go through your solicitor.

The guy's an arsehole; I'm sorry he managed to convince you otherwise.

wonderingstar01 Thu 08-Jun-17 13:29:34

He's here now and I've removed myself from the situation and am upstairs. The mood is very tense to say the least. He says there are things missing from the garage which belong to him but everything is just how it was left. He told me to keep the things he'd bought ME during our marriage - a set of knives, a kettle, microwave! I told him to keep the £4000 kitchen I paid for in his own house. He just laughed and said "let's not go there", like I was crazy mad. I'm starting to get those churned up feelings I had when I was with him and it's not pleasant.

rizlett Thu 08-Jun-17 14:06:00

Good choice wondering - keep away from him - any contact is only going to make you feel worse. It's kind of like being addicted though I don't know why.

Remember he might try some really 'nice' behaviour to get round you. Keep focusing on yourself and your dc.

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