Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He's left and I think I'm past the shock stage. What's next?

(24 Posts)
heresmycrown Tue 06-Jun-17 22:38:50

Please read and bear with me!
I'm a long term regular but I've NC as a lot of my info on here maybe outting and I just really need somewhere to write and ask for advice plus just really really could do with a few handholds through what the hell is going to happen next!

So about 6 weeks ago DH suddenly ups sticks and leaves to go to his parents house to live. He has fallen out of love with me.

Long story short I think I maybe entering the next stage after an absolutely tormenting, heartbreaking and painful time.

I'm sure I will still have my bad days especially when it turns out it was a skanky horrible homewrecking OW all along but I just need somewhere to come to for support when it all comes out whatever the ending.

Mumsnet has helped me so so so much before and could really do with everyone's advice and perspective instead of just my few friends who I feel I've worn down to their boots draining them with my idiotic crying and pathetic moaning about my life.

I bring cake and wine ! cakewine

Liz38 Tue 06-Jun-17 22:51:55

I offer no wisdom, but I'll happily share your cake and contribute some of my own cake. I can't imagine what you're going through or where it goes from here,
I suspect it's just a day at a time and don't try to be too reasonable. flowers too because you need them.

heresmycrown Tue 06-Jun-17 23:27:06

Thankyou liz38 smile

I just know I'm up and down so much but my up days seem to be getting more frequent. I just know that if something is going to set me back it will be finding it there is someone else....

I feel I'm to blame for it all too but then I find myself wondering if I am or if he was just really really clever at making me believe so.

I'm also feeling really sad that at 39 years old no ones going to want to start a life with me again while I have 2 dc under 8 and a wrinkly post natal bod.

Giraffey1 Wed 07-Jun-17 00:45:53

I will gladly share cake and wine with you, OP. I told my H back in March that I no longer loved him and couldn't be with him any more. Although I was the one doing the splitting, I felt horrendous, as if the was a huge slab of concrete lodged in my chest. I'm sure it felt the same for my H.

Three months in and while it still isn't easy, the lump of concrete seems, if not to have gone completely, it has at least shrunk. I think we have moved on from the 'bombshell' phase and we are now slowly recognising we are in the Ok, what do we do now' part of journey.

heresmycrown Wed 07-Jun-17 01:01:03

Giraffey1 I can understand this must be so hard on him too to leave and be living away from everything he's ever known. I just can't understand why now and he won't tell me what I've done wrong. I only imagined we were going through the same struggles as any other married couple. Everything he's thrown at me so far as an excuse seems really silly like he's clutching at straws to try point the blame my way.
The whole I love you but not in the way I should hurts the most and not knowing if it's because he's distracted by someone else....

Sickofthisalready Wed 07-Jun-17 08:27:46

Just wanted to say that im in the same boat. Also 39, with a DS.

Im 13 weeks in and ive been all over the place. I find talking helps enormously, my poor mum must be soooo sick of it by now.

There really is no quick way to get over it, just time. The not being able to go NC is extremely hard, but you just have to try and keep it just about the DC.

Ive known about OW all along but am still finding out new stuff. Its the worst thing ive ever been through in my life, but I wont and cant let it beat me.

We are all here for you xxx

heresmycrown Wed 07-Jun-17 10:55:52


I'm so so sorry to hear that I really am. I wouldn't wish all this on anyone. What was his reasons for doing so? How are you both now ?

Sickofthisalready Wed 07-Jun-17 11:20:01

He said he loved me but wasnt in love with me anymore. Since DS was born we lost the affection in our relationship, as all my time/love/attention went on DS.

I totally accept my part in it and promised to put it right but he didn't want to know. 2 weeks later he was parading OW round. There must have been an EA going on whilst we were still together, so maybe she gave him an ultimatum.

He really has treated both me and DS like shit at times. We've been through all sorts and it hasn't really settled down yet. This is due to stuff in his life being up in the air (ie his job /house share/money etc).

He says he doesnt know how he feels about us, because his whole life is a mess. If he loved me surely he would know he did, no matter what else was going on?

Im trying my hardest to get over it, but really im just waiting for the day I dont care anymore xxx

whatsmyname2017 Wed 07-Jun-17 12:11:53

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you. My exP left at the weekend. I ended the relationship after 16 years a few months back. I couldn't wait for him to leave as living together was awful. However, when he finally did I felt as though someone had died. I had no idea I would feel like that.
I guess I'm grieving the relationship we had (even though it wasn't very good) and my whole world has been turned upside down.
Its only a few days since he left but today is the first day I haven't felt like crying every 5 mins so every day gets a little better.
It must be hell for you not even knowing why he has left. Its not very fair on him to do that and not give you closure. Being left in limbo just makes the whole grieving process so much worse.
I'm giving you a virtual hug in the hope that our support on here helps even just a tiny bit. I know it does for me.

heresmycrown Wed 07-Jun-17 22:47:52

Is anyone around ? I'm desperate to find out if there is someone else. Being completely frozen out by his family even though they said they would support us both and that I'm the mother to their grandchildren... why are they doing this I feel so alone

Whatsmyname2017 Wed 07-Jun-17 23:15:18

Did you have any suspicions at all about an affair? Would it make you feel any better to find out there is someone else? I know you are desperate for answers right now but only he can give you those. You are in a lot of pain right now and driving yourself crazy imagining things. Have you got some RL support OP?
All you can do is accept the reasons he's given you and just try to get through this. I know it's easier said than done. His family may be trying to keep out of it at the moment so don't assume they're freezing you out. It's not in their interest if they still want a relationship with your dc. I wish I could offer better advice but am sending you hugs of support right now!!!

heresmycrown Thu 08-Jun-17 15:11:02

My suspicions are just based on him leaving out of the blue after telling me right to the end that he loves me and telling me it's not just me that's making him feel like he's scared and losing his mind. He's point blank said that he doesn't love me in the way that he should anymore.
I can't eat and I've lost almost 3 stone since the end of march. I physically just can't eat I feel so full all the time and I don't fancy anything.....

NotJanine Thu 08-Jun-17 15:19:08

Sorry to hear what you're going through.

Being unable to eat sounds like anxiety, do you think that it what you are suffering from? How's your sleep?

heresmycrown Thu 08-Jun-17 15:22:08

My sleep was ok until I've been put back on sertraline and now I'm really really struggling but I've never suffered with insomnia before.

isitjustme2017 Thu 08-Jun-17 15:29:45

Could he be depressed OP? Saying he's scared and going out of his mind sounds like a strange thing to say. Especially if he hasn't shown any signs anything was wrong up to now.

NotJanine Thu 08-Jun-17 15:31:01

I'd go back to the GP if I were you, you may need to try something different. I had beta blockers for a while to calm my anxiety, it is dreadful when you're not eating or sleeping properly. It's so hard to function.

Focus on looking after yourself for now. Be kind to yourself, rest when you need to, try to find something that you can eat. Talk to people, if no one in RL then talk on here. There are lot of us women on here who have been in similar situation and we all know that it's a long and bumpy road.

heresmycrown Thu 08-Jun-17 15:49:30

I hoped it was depression but he says he doesn't love me anymore I just feel crushed to bits and it's been so long now. My face burns up as I write this. I've to function for the kids and it's so so so difficult. I just can't cope anymore with the pain it's unbearable.

NotJanine Thu 08-Jun-17 17:15:01

Do you mean you hoped that he just had depression? Had his behavior changed?

I know it seems hopeless, but you WILL get through this

Findingmyfeetinflipflops Thu 08-Jun-17 17:27:09

Hi OP, another one here to offer cake and wine. I'm happy to support/share. I'm also in the process of splitting up with H (after finding out he's been unfaithful). I'm older than you but probably experiencing similar emotions.

heresmycrown Thu 08-Jun-17 17:27:40

In the nicest way possible yes I hoped it was depression and not just the fact that he didn't love me anymore as at least then or marriage would still survive if given a chance and I would be able to look after him and support him. I've too suffered with depression after having the kids and I'm starting to feel like I'm being blamed for being difficult to live with because of it. I struggled to cope Keeping on top of the house and coping with the kids too along with all other things I need to do as a mum. I look at everyone else in the same situation and they too are struggling like all mothers but I just feel I've been given up on. He told me I was lackadaisical which hurt. I'm in no way lazy but somedays the exhaustion was just too much. I feel like such a failure as a mum and a wife. I don't feel I'm good enough for my children ....

nannybeach Thu 08-Jun-17 17:32:41

I feel for you I really do, I think most women have been cheated on/dumped, hurts like hell feels like the worst thing in the world, it DOES get better,, you get the angry phase next. My EXH tried to kill me, insured me for a fortune, had re-mortgaged the house several times over, by forging my signature. Before this he got very drunk one night, and told me he was gay, he only married me for a nice respectable front for his middle class family. My lovelly Mum had just died at 64, then my boss sacked me, I worked in a small family firm, he said he didnt want me working there when this all hit the papers. had the house re-possessed, lost most of my furniture, to the baliffs. My (now late) Father didnt want to know because he was in a new relationship, Rang me, said he hoped I wasnt going to get divorced, and upset his new wife to be. Only child no-one to help, friends, "really couldnt believe he was like this". Well, bad year, but the only way is up, after that.

bellalebint Thu 08-Jun-17 21:17:17

So sorry OP. I'm 8 months on after my ex leaving me completely out of the blue. It was agony. There was an OW though he never admitted it and claims he got with her later. I felt so low, I thought I'd never feel ok again but I genuinely do now. There's still waves of sadness and I still have days where I think about him a lot but it really does get better. I found I was absolutely devastated for 3 months but then I went NC with him and it helped immeasurably. I strongly suggest this. Everytime I felt like contacting him I asked myself "is there any reply he can send to my text/email that will make me feel better in anyway?" The answer is always no, you'll just sit around waiting and then have that awful hollow feeling later. I've met someone else now and although it's early days, he's kind and FUN and I feel happy. Best of luck, you can do it!! Also, he's a turd

PinkPeppers Thu 08-Jun-17 21:22:21

OP if the ADs are stopping you from sleeping, please go and back to see your gp and tell them about it.
There are other ADs that, hopefully, wil help you but wont have that sort of side effects.

ivykaty44 Thu 08-Jun-17 21:27:35

Yes he is a turd
So don't let him shit on you
There is only one place for turds to go...

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: