Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

[Henrythehoover]

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

[MyheartbelongstoG]

I'd be long gone, he must be rank.

Just tell him how it is op as nothing will change until you do.

[Itsseweasy]

He sounds draining and unpleasant, you're a better person than me as I'd be long gone if that was my DH!
If he hasn't the motivation to change anything by himself it won't ever happen.
Perhaps a blunt discussion is needed? As I said, you're a nicer person than me as I'd have explained that unless he made himself pleasant to be around I wouldn't be continuing the relationship.

[Allabitmuchisntit]

What is it that's keeping him from showering and brushing his teeth? These are basic things. Is he working? Suffering from depression?

[Henrythehoover]

I have told him out right I find him repulsive. He just agrees with me and then does nothing. He gets upset I don't want sex but then still doesn't do anything about it. It's horrible. How his work haven't said anything yet is beyond me.

My oldest is noticing and saying it's horrible and that he cares about nothing. I think I'm just scared of going it alone and so trying to make it work. Also the I can't live without you stuff is really hard to deal with.

[Henrythehoover]

I think it's pure lazyness. He does have depression but he's had that since we met.

[Allabitmuchisntit]

Arrggghhh how frustrating for you! How can he be so aware that he's being repulsive and yet still do nothing!!

[Allabitmuchisntit]

It's completely disrespectful of him to expect you to want sex with him when he's not even bothering with basic hygiene.

[PurpleWithRed]

Sounds very much like his depression is worsening - is he getting any treatment for it?

[Slimthistime]

I have anxiety and depression and frankly it sounds like he is about 1000 X more unwell than I've ever been, has he been to the doc recently?

I do accept it might just be laziness, or that I find it so unfathomable not to shower that I'm assuming severe illness....what is he like in other areas of life?

[Henrythehoover]

He's hates being in doors and wants to be out all the time. He also does everything he can to get the kids looked after so he can have me to himself which I've put a stop to as I don't want other people looking after them all the time. He says he will help me with stuff but doesnt and he's started arguing with the kids alot. It's just hell at home at the moment. I know I'm probably just being horrible and should try to help more but I'm at my wits end.

[Henrythehoover]

As for the Dr's he's been recently and they said he's doing well.

[keepingonrunning]

You need to decide which of your children to prioritise as well as yourself: your DC or your manchild.
He wants a mother not a wife.
When your DC are grown you don't want to look back and regret time you would have preferred to spend with them meeting the nanny requirements of your H instead.

[keepingonrunning]

He's guilt-tripping you into doing what he wants.
What do you want?
What do your DC want?
Good personal hygiene is simply good manners.

[Mermaidinthesea123]

Quite frankly he needs an ultimaturm and you will have to stick with it.
be really tough and tell him if there is no changing the relationship is going to end becasue you are not going to live with a slob.
He also has to get spme help with his depression or else.
You can't be expected to live with this.

[Slimthistime]

I doubt he told the doctor he wasn't washing
I think you need to tell him to sort himself out

He's keen to go out and about...he's keen to spend time with you...but he's not keen on basic hygiene and taking care of his kids?

If he says it's due to illness then I'd go back to the doc with him.

[Slimthistime]

Also yes, you should not have to live with this.

[Henrythehoover]

I think I need to make a big decision don't I? I'm so worried about being a single mum it's making me put up with more than I should. It's the constant needyness that's wearing me down. It's like he constantly wants to know I'm happy but won't listen to anything else. If I start talking I just get "I'll leave now" which is usually said in front of the kids so they start crying and telling me not to make daddy go.

God writing this down makes me realise how crap things are. Sorry for venting everyone it's just been going on so long it starts to feel normal!

[Henrythehoover]

@keeponrunning I want to be happy, I want to be able to be happy/sad/tired without getting the third degree, I want to stop feeling like the bad guy and i want my children to be happy.

[Moregilmoregirls]

You are not responsible for his happiness OP but you are responsible for your own. He is guilt tripping you into staying with him, this is no kind of relationship. If I were you I'd get out and I certainly would not be feeling guilty about it.

[Henrythehoover]

I think what's holding me back is the fear of being a single mum I work part time (5days a week) and I'm not sure how I'd cope alone.

[Tillymintsmama]

I'm a single mum. I'd way rather be a single mum than be with someone who stinks, with zero self respect and zero consideration.

He's setting a rubbish example to your kids and they deserve better. You're not his carer. Give him an ultimatum.

[Henrythehoover]

I guess your right I wish I wasn't such a bloody people pleaser. I'm also scared that I can't afford to be a single mum I have no savings and don't earn great money. I also know I'm going to have to be strong as I'm sure I will be told all the I can't live without you stuff won't I. He's my second bf I've never had to tell anyone it's over before I feel so scared. I don't want to upset the kids ect.

[Henrythehoover]

Sorry for the pitty party as I said I don't have anyone to talk to irl

[QuiteLikely5]

I felt slightly sorry for him until you mentioned he speaks of leaving in front of the children!!!

Where does he go when he goes outdoors??

I would honestly leave or ask him to go. The things he is role modelling to your children are damaging and may have s lasting negative impact on who your children become as adults

The GP said he's doing well? Hmmm did he even go or tell them the truth

[Henrythehoover]

I honestly don't know what he told them. When we go out it's always far away. The time I told him to leave he gathered all the children together and stood there crying saying mummy making him go. They all started crying and I ended up backing down. He also called his mum over that day who came over telling me I was being silly. I told him that was an awful thing to do. I just feel trapped sometimes. Like whatever I do I'm going to be the bad guy!