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My friend is too harsh when rejecting I think

(47 Posts)
Aggieisback1 Tue 06-Jun-17 03:45:30

A woman I know has been doing a lot of OLD and RL dating recently. She's attractive ,intelligent but not without flaws herself TBH. She has got an ego boost having been single for a while but I don't feel comfortable with what she told me about one date she had and how she goes about rejecting men in general. She met this chap through OLD, got on well with him but didn't feel any chemistry. So she told him outright she wasn't attracted to him and the aspects of his looks which weren't to her taste. I think this was too much. She's also started taking a kind of harsh approach in real life. We were out for a drink and a man came up to us, she proceeds to say "not interested, neither is she (points to me) or anyone else for that matter". It did "work" in that we were left alone but he looked absolutely gutted and kind of melted into the floor. I know my friend has had some bad experiences but I feel like telling her to tone it down a bit. I can't imagine what it must be like having to do all the approaching and then someone humiliating you publically like that.

ClemDanfango Tue 06-Jun-17 03:52:39

She's really on a bitchfest isn't she! To be fair at least it's a good warning to people to steer clear, I'd hate to get sucked in to a relationship with a person like that only to find out how awful they were later on.

Aggieisback1 Tue 06-Jun-17 04:08:46

True enough. Not sure if that's one reason some men turn bad, being on the receiving end of this, or if they just go all quiet. The guy who she told to go away wasn't too bad looking either

AhYerWill Tue 06-Jun-17 04:36:20

Yup she's being unnecessarily rude. I'd either tell her straight that it's unpleasant and rude and to cop onto herself (if she's otherwise a good friend) or just stop spending time with her. Life's too short to spend in the company of people who delight in putting others down.

CaoNiMartacus Tue 06-Jun-17 06:40:55

"Not sure if that's one reason some men turn bad"

Yep. It's women's fault that men turn bad. hmm

user1487175389 Tue 06-Jun-17 06:47:25

If she can dish it out and doesn't fall to pieces when people do the same to her, it's her choice, I suppose.

Saves a lot of awkwardness to be upfront. Bit unnecessary to list the exact features you find unattractive but I guess it's her karma.

Westray Tue 06-Jun-17 06:56:19

Why would you want to socialise with such a rude person?

Aggieisback1 Tue 06-Jun-17 06:57:29

Cao it is not women's fault men turn bad I never said that. In the case of the rejection I witnessed I felt she was harsh and hurtful. I don't imagine this guy will automatically become a jerk, he's most likely to avoid approaching women he doesn't know in future.

ptumbi Tue 06-Jun-17 07:16:33

If she doesn't like someone and doesn't click, then it's ok to tell them. Good boundaries, in fact
Telling them it's because of their looks, or something else they can't help., it's rude.

''Some men turn bad' because they are on the receiving end of it? That's a disgustingly misogynist statement.

Ellisandra Tue 06-Jun-17 07:33:14

The majority of times that I've been approached in a bar, it has been done in a sleazy way. So I'm not automatically going to criticise her for sending this man off harshly without knowing how it happened. Too many men think it's OK to muscle in on private drinks - including throwing drunken arms round you.
Your friend has the right to enjoy a drink with a friend, without having to fend off opportunist idiots.
Obviously, I don't know that he wasn't respectful and polite - but my experience of that situation is drunken chancers after sex!

Groovee Tue 06-Jun-17 07:55:26

Can she take it if someone was to tell her what they didn't like about her?

It sounds unkind to tell what you don't like about their looks. It's not rude to say you don't feel chemistry or a spark x

noego Tue 06-Jun-17 07:58:52

Men deal with rejection from an early age. It starts in the playground. From those experiences they should learn the signs and signals females give off. For example eye contact and smile = q for an hello. If they go charging in with sleazy one liners then they should expect and know they will get rejected and women have their own one line rejection repertoire for this. If your friend wasn't giving off signals and was just having a friendly drink with you then she has every right to be off handish IMO. It's a bit much when a couple of women can't go out and have a friendly drink and chat without being harassed

TheNaze73 Tue 06-Jun-17 08:03:01

Fair play to her. No one needs to justify why they are not interested.

OnionKnight Tue 06-Jun-17 08:17:23

As long as she can take it as well as give it she's doing nothing wrong.

Aggieisback1 Tue 06-Jun-17 08:44:00

I agree she is well within her rights to say no thanks and I don't like men who are drunk or who hassle women out just for a drink. I thought the "neither is anyone else" bit was a step too far though. She has had a slightly rough time with relationships in the past herself but I've heard her boasting about telling men they are unattractive in various ways and that's the but I don't like.

ravenmum Tue 06-Jun-17 08:49:47

OLDitis perhaps? Maybe she has had so many mustachioed 70-year-olds sending her unsolicited dick pics that she's "turned bad" herself?

ThomasRichard Tue 06-Jun-17 08:51:10

No, that's awful. Unless someone is being sleazy, there's no need for that kind of hurtful rudeness.

noego Tue 06-Jun-17 08:56:58

"but I've heard her boasting about telling men they are unattractive in various ways and that's the but I don't like."

That is out of order!!

Waltermittythesequel Tue 06-Jun-17 08:59:28

Well, were you interested in him?

Aggieisback1 Tue 06-Jun-17 10:13:21

I wasn't interested in him, no, but I hardly think he deserved that response.

HildaOg Tue 06-Jun-17 12:02:33

She's a cunt but only because people are letting her get away with it. What kind of wimp were you to just stand there? I would have apologised to the guy and left her to play nasty cunt by herself.

OhDearMuriel Tue 06-Jun-17 12:25:39

Why don't you tell her how unnecessarily humiliating and cruel her approach is?
When you go out with her again, with respect, man-up and show your utter disapproval if she does it again.
Imagine if you had a lovely young son, who came across this bitch !! Stuff like this can really affect people's inner confidence.

Ellisandra Tue 06-Jun-17 13:09:36

What are you looking for from posting? You're the only one that knows if she was rude (if this man was intrusive, and deserved to be got rid of, we don't know that....) so if she was - why not just tell her?

Howfrustrating Tue 06-Jun-17 13:09:42

I agree with Hilda. Why do you tolerate her?

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 06-Jun-17 13:55:47

She sounds up her own arse.

And your not a wimp op.

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