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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Left abusive husband but really struggling

(13 Posts)
Freeofhim Mon 05-Jun-17 18:07:47

Hello. Hoping for some advice. I've finally managed, after years of abuse, to leave my husband. Not the first time I've told him it's over but I want it to be the last.

I've got support from the local domestic abuse charity and been to the police to report physical and sexual assaults going back to 2013 plus almost daily mental and emotional abuse. There was also financial abuse with him refusing to pay half of he essential outgoings etc.

In some ways I'm so happy to be free of him and be able to come home without fear any more. But I'm also really struggling as he was the love of my life for a long time before his behaviour changed. I stayed hoping that original man would reappear (and because he would always behave better after a flare up) but have had to leave as I couldn't cope any more. I'm just so lonely now though and scared about the future. I can't really afford to be on my own so might need a lodger but am nervous around people I don't know well after what's happened. I'm also late 30s and desperately wanted children which I now feel is unlikely.

A lot of our friends are mutual ones and quite a few are saying things like 'can't you work it out' which really isn't helping. He seems so lovely to be outside world so I don't really want to start trying to explain the details to people who I don't think would believe me anyway. The first two good friends I confided in didn't take it well. One said I must be imagining it as he wouldn't do things like that. I know in some ways these people aren't friends worth having but I just feel like my life is at rock bottom. How do I pick myself up again? I'm not eating or sleeping and really struggling to function.

picklemepopcorn Mon 05-Jun-17 18:23:57

I'm really sorry to hear that the people you told let you down. What about family, are they any support?

It is going to be tough for a while, and actually, the friends that you had may not be the ones you want now. They knew the old you, the one that put up and played along. You are making a new you.

Would it be very silly to think of yourself as being like a butterfly, half out of the chrysalis? You are leaving your old life behind but have to struggle and wrestle a bit to get out of the debris and be the lovely butterfly?

Hang in there. I have no practical advice except try and remember that most people are not looking at you through your X's eyes. They won't see all the rubbish he told you. They will be kinder.

Teabay Mon 05-Jun-17 18:25:44

A few people said to me, "it's a shame, can't you work it out, he's not that bad". I didn't waver as I KNEW he was, for me. He didn't need to be bad ENOUGH.
Most friends I kept, a couple of really good friends I've distanced from as they didn't support me. I didn't need them to get involved but just to BELIEVE me - like I'd make all this up??
If you keep on posting here you'll here from others who have had the same thing. Unfortunately, lots of others! But it helped me.
My counsellor simply said to me "you're the first to split in your group, but you certainly won't be the last". It's helped me.
Try some counselling, it will help. And tell friends you're looking for a lodger.

SteppingOnToes Mon 05-Jun-17 18:33:07

It really annoys me that it is OK to leave someone because you no longer love them but if there is abuse you get told to try harder sad

Say strong - come on here and we will hand hold you through this.

Freeofhim Mon 05-Jun-17 19:40:43

Thanks. I really want counselling but I don't have the £50 a session available at the moment since taking on all the bills alone and having some debts on credit cards from a holiday I paid for when we were together. Hoping to find a way to fund it in the future.

picklemepopcorn Mon 05-Jun-17 20:38:53

You should be able to get counselling from the GP, maybe only six sessions, but better than nothing.

Freeofhim Mon 05-Jun-17 23:22:38

Thanks I'm seeing my GP on Monday so I'll ask

LanaDReye Mon 05-Jun-17 23:27:24

Not sure if you know but you can join a local library for free and order books online for self-esteem, mindfulness and welbeing (they have inter-library loans). I found counselling expensive and self-help books can be a good way of re-wiring your brain -well helped me through feelings of doubt and anxiety after split from controller!

LanaDReye Mon 05-Jun-17 23:29:17

Also second-hand Amazon books can be less than £2 and there are good reviews on which ones are worth buying.

QueenofEsgaroth Mon 05-Jun-17 23:31:54

I believe you.

Change your social circle, start a new chapter. Volunteer, join a walking group, whatever floats your boat.

You can do a lot of online reading for free to understand abuse and recovery better, look up other threads on mn for links. Abusers reel you in by being exactly what you need them to be - once you get your head around this you will realise the love of your life may have been an act who never existed which might help with the feelings of loss.

noego Tue 06-Jun-17 08:47:25

There are organisations that can help you through this.
Women's Aid, Rape Crisis, The national domestic violence helpline, Samaritans. Your GP and counselling. Use them all if you feel the need to.

pudding21 Tue 06-Jun-17 09:44:51

Well done on getting out firstly. I left an EA relationship 4 months ago and I have felt the need to justify to people why I left. Many people have asked me outright if there was anyone else involved as they could't see what was happening at home. In public he was always very nice and to the most people we seemed happy.

People who asked me about if we could work it out are now starting to see his behavior as erratic at best and seem to understand a bit better why I had to go.

You know, that is what matters. Its very tough because you are waiting for those highs and lows all the time that you have come to expect. Its like youve been on a constant state of high alert and in a way you come to miss it. Take some time to do things that you like, and look after your self. And talk to people in real life if you can.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 06-Jun-17 10:13:39

Did you do the Freedom Programme yet?
If not then contact Womens Aid and see where there is one in your local area.
This will really help you with future relationships, self-esteem, spotting red flags, setting boundaries.
Honestly. Please attend as soon as you can.

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