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Seduced by a fantisy

(55 Posts)
1DAD2KIDS Mon 05-Jun-17 10:45:36

So basic background. Wife left me with two young kids for another man and moved 100 miles away. This relationship failed with the other man failed. She is now alone with not a great life. We have completed our divorce now.

I have been quite clear with myself that she can't be trusted, I don't love her anymore and she can never return to the family home. I have dated and currently enjoy a couple of good non-monogomus friendships. I have a good life (as much as you can as a single parent). I have great personal freedom and having in a way a better social life as a single parent than I did married (all be it with less free time). So all should be good?

The trouble is my ex now decides she wants to return and give things ago again. She says she was in a dark place back then and thought the grass was greener. She said she regrets not trying to make things work and jumping ship when things got difficult for her. She says she still has feelings for me. She tell me she'd never do it again.

The trouble is after everything I said to myself about not wanting her back in a million years I am finding my self seduced by the idea of having my lovely family back complete. Just like one of those Hollywood kids movies were the kids parents rediscover that after all those years they still love each other and become a family again. I hate the kids missing out on having their mum around. I miss being a family. I no longer love my ex but I loving the idea of being a family again. And yes it would be cool to have the wife I once loved so dearly, a sole mate to be with me through thick and thin. I would give all for that but I guess deep down I know this is just a fantisy.

Also I hate the hurt it is causing my ex dispite it being of her own making. It's little things sometimes, like just seeing the joy in her face when see comes to my house and sees our cat. I know she really does miss living with me, the kids and the cat. We have a good life, a good home and she shut her self out of it. Her life is pretty rubbish.

So what do I do. I know she's miniulative. I know she may just be pulling the right strings to suit her own needs. Should I just call this a non-starter? I don't trust her not to hurt me again. She is a fairly compulisve lier. I am inside still angry at her. We get on fine and see each other a fair bit when she come to see the kids/collects/drops off, family occasions and some holidays together with the kids (plus she kept me company at a&e yesterday with my bad foot). The trouble is after all this time i saw yesterday a couple of the little things that attracted me to her in the first place, like that smile of hers. I never thought I would notice these things again and that worries me.

So do I make sure I keep the lid closed on this one or should I take some time to share with my ex alone and see where it goes? Do I owe it to my kids to at least see if could rediscover each other. I mean I very much doubt it could ever work how ever much she wants it because I can forgive but after seeing her true colours I sort of want someone better and more worthy if that makes sense. But the dream of having my family back as it was before all this madness is a huge draw. One that is very powerful. I hate the kids missing out on their mum being around. On the other hand both of them are really doing well with me. I am proud of them and they are achieving so much. Also can I really risk her doing this to me and the kids again maybe 5 yeara down the line? Why am I having this wobble? Things were going so well.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 05-Jun-17 10:50:40

You don't love her.
She seriously screwed you over.
She seriously screwed her own kids over.
Why are you even considering this?
You are her back-up plan.
Things didn't work and she's no other options right now.
So she comes crawling back to the good old reliable ExH.
Don't do this to yourself.
Keep enjoying yourself and your freedom.
Let her suffer.
That's what happens to cheats!
Karma will often find them and bite them on the arse.

gamerchick Mon 05-Jun-17 10:54:34

If you and your kids have come out the other side of all that why on earth would you want to risk their happiness again?

I think you've posted this before, it's your choice but I don't think you'll get different answers to last time.

bellsandwhistles89 Mon 05-Jun-17 10:56:49

Surely before anything happens she should get her own life on track, sort out her issues so that in the future IF you do decide to give it a go this sort of thing wont happen again.

For the time being I would say for both of you this is not the right time to start a relationship, focus on your kids and if something develops again... well its up to you.

pollyglot Mon 05-Jun-17 10:57:18

So the kids see you and their mother being civil to each other, and probably friendlier than when you were married? They have been through the loss of their mother in the home and have come out the other side as happy and well-adjusted young people? They get to see both of you and have a new set of routines, to which they have adjusted? You don't love her any more and can never be sure that she won't leave again? Have you answered your own question yet?

LoveMyLittleSuperhero Mon 05-Jun-17 11:02:26

You are having a wobble because this is a woman you loved and had children with, but you call it a fantasy yourself so I think, hard as it is, you know the answer to your questions deep down.
The hurt as you say is of her own making, though I can understand you wanting to help it isn't going to be what is best for you and your dc, they are the priority here.
You sound like a wonderful father, she has access to see her children, who are being looked after well and bought up in a stable home, regularly.
This may sound harsh, please don't think I mean it in a mean way, but she thought the grass was greener and left once before, to answer your question no, you can't really risk her doing this to you all again because chances are while her life is rubbish now she realises what she has lost, but it won't take her long to forget again. My advice would be don't risk the stability your children have for her, and don't put your heart on the line for her again.

TheNaze73 Mon 05-Jun-17 11:04:08

Show your self some respect.

She's fucked you over once, she'll do it again

mysinkingheart Mon 05-Jun-17 11:11:12

What pps have said..please please don't put yourselves through it, it would be terrible for your children.

You know deep down where this road leads..don't go there.

I've read your posts before and you've been a great help to people after all she's put you through. Forgive if you like but never forget.

I get the fantasy I really do and have been in your shoes wanting the family back.

But you can create that family with someone better, you know you can. Lots of girls out there with special smiles and wanting a family unit. But who are stable and faithful, not selfish and entitled.

She has maybe realised the grass isn't greener but if she thinks that's all it takes to change she's very immature. And also way too much in your life. How can you move on if you have holidays together?

If you were my younger brother I'd be giving you a gentle shake...you deserve so much more.

wherearemymarbles Mon 05-Jun-17 11:20:18

Nothing stopping her doing it again in the future if she feels things arent going the way she wants.

I think you are too hung up on the notion of family.

Your life sounds fun, dont let jer wreck it again.

Unsurewhattod0 Mon 05-Jun-17 11:26:39

The very fact you are asking means you cannot trust her. Working building a solid co-parenting relationship and leave the rest in the past. Don't hurt yourself by continuing to look backwards.

Howfrustrating Mon 05-Jun-17 11:38:55

You don't love or trust her, with very good reason. Don't risk it again for you or your DCs.

I'm sure she does want to come back to the lovely, comfortable life she once had because her life is now awful, but that's the risk she knowingly took when she abandoned her family for a chance with another man.

OneOrgasmicBirthPlease Mon 05-Jun-17 11:39:06

I understand your attraction to her, who wouldn't? It's also lovely to see you wanting to improve her life, despite the fact she brought it all into herself.

However, you know you cannot do this to yourself and to your kids. I took the trouble to copy and paste all the statements from your OP which tell me you know the right thing to do and value yourself and your kids enough not to let their mother ruin your family's peace.

In your own words...

Wife left me with two young kids for another man and moved 100 miles away.
She can't be trusted, I don't love her anymore and she can never return to the family home.
I no longer love my ex.
I know she's manipulative. I know she may just be pulling the right strings to suit her own needs.
I don't trust her not to hurt me again. She is a ... compulsive lier. I am inside still angry at her.
I very much doubt it could ever work how ever much she wants it because I can forgive but after seeing her true colours I sort of want someone better and more worthy.
Can I really risk her doing this to me and the kids again maybe 5 yeara down the line?

magoria Mon 05-Jun-17 11:44:51

No no no!

Don't go there.

She can move close and be a fantastic mum while not being in a relationship with you.

Let her do that and prove she is there for the DC not herself.

Set up firm boundaries that you are co-parents and polite to each other and not romantic partners.

Don't be lulled into the false fantasy. It will come crashing down on you and more importantly your DC again.

noego Mon 05-Jun-17 11:49:31

Don't be a dick. You have already stated she is manipulative and she is already pulling on your emotional heart strings. This is a real RED FLAG. Bow out gracefully and quickly for the sake of your self and your kids. If she will manipulate you, what will she do to your children. For all of your sakes stay away from her as much as possible.

ShatnersWig Mon 05-Jun-17 12:02:13

I'm going to blunt and others may not like this.

STOP BEING A FUCKING MUG. Seriously.

Here's something you posted over a year ago about your ex: "She spent a lot of our relationship telling lies to try and drive a wedge between me and my family and friends. She hit me on a couple of occasions and thrown a few objects at me in the past."

This other man was someone from her past she decided to give another go. She threw you and the kids over without a second thought. Go back and read lots of your posts over the last couple of years mate and get some fucking self respect. Getting back together will be the worst decision for you and, more importantly, for your kids.

goldiehawn1 Mon 05-Jun-17 12:07:43

I know a couple of girlfriends who have had affairs with other men. The reason they had those affairs were because their needs were not being met in their marriage.

I dont condone affairs but they happen all the time - relationships are hard work and require work to keep them on track, especially after a long time.

I know everyone has said you would be mad to let your ex back and I would tend to agree if she is a regular manipulator / liar.

If however, it was a one off and she is showing remorse and making the right sort of moves that suggest she is sorry for the actions she took, it might be worth a discussion at least??

However, whatever you do, don't get back with her because you pity her and her selfish actions. That would be madness.

hmm

ShatnersWig Mon 05-Jun-17 12:09:01

Goldie She was violent to him. The cheating was the least of the problem, quite frankly.

1DAD2KIDS Mon 05-Jun-17 12:12:38

It is a stupid idea, I guess I know that. But it is so tempting.

wherearemymarbles my life is fun in a way. Mainly because I have new freedoms and I get so little free time I really aim to make the best of it when I can. But my life is bloody hard work and no stop. And its one of the things that I hate about being apart. Experience has taught me that 2 people make bringing up kids a lot easier (makes sense). They were both planned and it was a joint venture so I think she should be here too raising them.

polyglot in a way your right, we never argue any more. We used to have arguments occasionally but I thought that was normal in a marriage and party down to her fiery Irish temperament.

Also my nature doesn't help things. I am very bad a giving up the fight. I don't give in easily and a lot of my success in life is down to this. It still feels a great injustice in away, as if evil wins. It feels so wrong that such a horrible vile man get to rip our family apart. So the idea snatching victory from the teeth of very real defeat I guess appeals to me in away. As if good can win in the end. A friend said to me your winner in all of this, you have come out of this so well. But the divorce is over and things are good but I don't feel like a winner.

Also I do worry about worry about her. She told me yesterday in a text I am the best thing that ever happened to her, she's right. All her ex's have been horrible abusive low life's. The guy she left us for was abusive to her before we met. He is her step cousin and she used to her when she was a teenager. He is a lot older than her, abusive and generally a bit of a low life. I don't know what hold he has over her? And even though they have split I know he still has influence over her. But I know she was a bit down after our second child, he spotted her weakness and prayed up on. She is the mother of our children, I don't think I love her but I do care about her. With her track record I worry about the relationships she'll have in the future.

And I know its probably a bit of the green eyed monster but I see all my friends married to lovely partners with lovely families. And its gutting to see what I have lost. Plus I feel a little left out. I do miss having my best friend and I hate the kids not having their mum around. I hate it when she has to say goodbye to the kids. The kids are upset and my ex is upset. I see the genuine pain in her eyes when she has to go and its heart-breaking.

magoria your right she should be closer to the kids. She is putting more effort into being with them and doing more things with them I have noticed of late. She wants to more back down this way but she hasn't got the money. She text again last night to see if she could move in for a few months so she can find a job and a place to live down her. Of course I told her no (again). I said it would confuse and upset the kids too much. In reality I though or though its nice having her help out (if she stays the weekend she does help out and looked she looked after us all when I was sick Christmas time) I would never get her back out the house. That is a boundary for me, the guest room is a guest room, not a room to move into. Fine if she wants to stay a night or to see the kids or special occasions but she's not moving in.

ShatnersWig however much I make excuses for her (and she is a damaged person) I can not over look what she did. She destroyed our family for a silly wild goose chase. She was manipulative, she didn't let me be free and she lies so much I doubt she knows what is real (seriously I think she has some kind of personality disorder or something).

But its still a big carrot that she is dangling because before all this our family was the most important thing in my life and what I was most proud of. It is still appealing to me.

OnionKnight Mon 05-Jun-17 12:14:19

*I'm going to blunt and others may not like this.

STOP BEING A FUCKING MUG. Seriously.

Here's something you posted over a year ago about your ex: "She spent a lot of our relationship telling lies to try and drive a wedge between me and my family and friends. She hit me on a couple of occasions and thrown a few objects at me in the past."

This other man was someone from her past she decided to give another go. She threw you and the kids over without a second thought. Go back and read lots of your posts over the last couple of years mate and get some fucking self respect. Getting back together will be the worst decision for you and, more importantly, for your kids.*

I agree with everything Shatner said.

1DAD2KIDS Mon 05-Jun-17 12:14:50

Goldie she was violent to me a few times. nothing I couldn't handle, it was just her temperament. Plus I think I did used to wind her up a bit.

ShatnersWig Mon 05-Jun-17 12:20:22

1DAD OK, I'm going to be even more blunt.

Where the FUCK do you get off? So it was OK for you to hit you, because it was nothing you couldn't handle, it was just her temperament. Great, so when a woman comes on here spouting that, we should all just say "yeah, that's OK then, you can handle it so it's fine".

NO IT FUCKING ISN'T. Your ex wife was a nasty piece of work and you were always finding an excuse for her behaviour. You still are, despite her having fucked you and the kids over for well over a year ago.

You were PROUD of a family where she hit you? You want your kids growing up in that sort of family? You were PROUD?

For fuck's sake, as a fellow man GROW THE FUCK UP and stop fantasising about something you never had in the first place, so you can hardly have it back again.

ShatnersWig Mon 05-Jun-17 12:20:42

*her to hit you in my previous post, obviously

SandyY2K Mon 05-Jun-17 12:28:12

You're the best thing that happened to her and she still cheated, left you and abandoned the kids. ...Lord knows what she'd have done if you weren't the best thing.

Don't take her back. The love and trust are gone and she's a financial liability.

If she hadnt gone as far as abandonment, I might suggest you could try dating her and see how it goes ...but too much has happened and she's not reliable.

Keep things as they are.

KeepCalm Mon 05-Jun-17 12:32:21

Lid. Is. CLOSED. keep it that way.

bellsandwhistles89 Mon 05-Jun-17 12:35:49

dear lord... temperament my arse!

I am sure if you ask my partner it would be that I can sometimes be an argumentative little shite however not once have I hit him.

its not temperament, its violence plain and simple.

would you be saying it was temperament if she started on your kids...

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