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I want to end it after 30 years. How?

(51 Posts)
Estherdove Mon 05-Jun-17 00:38:37

I don't love him. I don't really like him much. I certainly don't fancy him.
We don't agree on anything. His views are getting more and more ridiculous.
He hasnt worked since 2002 due illness. I work full-time and pay bills for everyone.
He literally contributes NOTHING.
I can't figure out how to ask him to leave.
I can't figure out what's stopping me.
He's emotionally abusive, I haven't been out with work mates or colleagues ( I don't have many friends) in nearly 15 years.
He doesn'ttell me I can't he would just tell me to do what I like then make my life unbearable.
He does nothing with the kid's. It's been halftime this weeks and I've taken them out everyday. He never comes. Sleeps in.
We don't share a bed. He sleeps downstairs so the lounge is out of use till he gets up. Often 1pm!!

I've been to counselling and asked her to help me to get the strength and courage to end it.
I'm pathetic to carry on like this. I'm SO lonely and unhappy.
My dc will leave one-day soon and my life will literally be over.
I honestly can't even bear to be near him sometimes. We never talk really.
God this is horrendous.
How do I leave. I'm 42 what will happen to me!!!
Any advice please

Wheresthattomoibabber Mon 05-Jun-17 00:44:15

Do you own the house together?

Estherdove Mon 05-Jun-17 00:47:08

No we rent. Joint tenancy but I pay everything. Every bill and benefit comes to me. He gets disability.

Wheresthattomoibabber Mon 05-Jun-17 00:49:25

I think that as hard as it may be you just have to tell him. You are so young still. Don't waste your life.

Wheresthattomoibabber Mon 05-Jun-17 00:51:11

My aunt is stuck in a similar way. She's now 70. She cooks her husband shit food in the hope he'll die. It's no way to live for either of them.

calzone Mon 05-Jun-17 00:52:20

Just tell him.

Show him this thread.

Life is too short to worry about him.

Estherdove Mon 05-Jun-17 00:53:28

I can't. I literally freeze. The words won't come out. Yet I can't even bear to look at him sometimes.
I feel so sad that we've gone wrong but I've waited for him to change for years and he clearly isn't going to.
I'm strong in every other aspect.
My dd nearly died and I coped with 2 months at the hospital by myself. He didn't come once. Said he was busy looking after the other dc. If I can cope with that why cant I say words.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 05-Jun-17 00:57:31

Write it all down in a letter?

Sounds like you really must do something. It sounds awful OP.

Estherdove Mon 05-Jun-17 00:57:47

I'm cold to him. I barely acknowledge when he tries to speak to me. I Physically cringe if he tries to come near me and I know it hurts him.
I think subconsciously I'm trying to get him to leave me.
But he won't. Where would he go?
He has no income no job no home without me.
I feel suffocated

CondensedMilkSarnies Mon 05-Jun-17 00:58:19

You've been with him
Since you were 12 shock. Could
You put it in writing to
Him ? You sound very unhappy.

Estherdove Mon 05-Jun-17 00:59:55

Since 1990 to be exact.
I was trying to be vague about dates and outing. I was 16.blush

EmeraldIsle100 Mon 05-Jun-17 01:09:42

Write him a very short letter. He sounds absolutely awful. When I read your post saying 30 years I presumed you were well into your 50's. You are only 42. You are a young woman, get the hell out of this marriage.

Go and see a solicitor and get some advice on where you will stand when you split up and include the information in your letter to him. Ask solicitor about housing situation so that you know your options.

It sounds like a cliche but this is it, you only have one life. You and your DC will be happier and you will love it!!! It is scary but thousands of women leave and it all works out. I did and never once looked back.

You deserve a nice life and don't let him or anyone else tell you otherwise.

Start to truly believe that you are leaving.

Mysteriouscurle Mon 05-Jun-17 01:25:31

Where he will go isnt your problem. Maybe he should have contributed both financially and emotionally to your marriage if he wanted to stay

jeaux90 Mon 05-Jun-17 06:47:57

You never know he might be thinking the same and be relieved! Whatever his reaction this is your life and you still have a chance at a happy one.

Please do something about it, you sound so sad x

Herestonevergrowingup Mon 05-Jun-17 06:56:12

Are you still in counseling? Can you discuss how to do it? Do you have a plan?

A letter is a good idea. I did that with exh and didn't actually have to give it to him in the end. I have kept it to remind myself how bad it got as it is easy to forget sometimes.

If you think he won't leave, why don't you end the tenancy and then you both have to move out, you with the children and then he will have to do his own thing. Give him plenty of notice then it's his responsibility.

Shayelle Mon 05-Jun-17 06:59:04

Youre only 42!! You can do this flowers

daydreamnation Mon 05-Jun-17 07:06:18

My friend left a marriage like yours last year. She is 44 and honestly looks and sounds like a totally new person.
Life is so short, she too was terrified of telling him but I think the thought of another 30 + years with him became even more frightening.

KeepCalm Mon 05-Jun-17 07:07:58

Just sit down and say 'it's time for you to go'.

Unless he's a complete idiot he must realise what the situation is.

I know that sounds simplistic but blurting that out would at least get the ball rolling.

Living with this anticipation must be worse than the actual conversation itself.

You CAN do this and do it now so you have a life to live from now on flowers

OneGreyElephantBalancing Mon 05-Jun-17 07:14:02

What keep calm said. I think you've got hugely caught up in anticipation.
I've been here and done this. Same type of relationship so difficult dynamics and unpredictable reactions. It's really hard and the best thing ever. Once the words are out the v worst is over.
Make a limited plan for what is next. Anything is possible. You are so young. You can really live.

Oblomov17 Mon 05-Jun-17 07:15:27

What about a milder introduction:

"We can't carry on like this. Both of us are so unhappy. "

LadyLapsang Mon 05-Jun-17 07:17:02

Do you live in social housing? If so, can you speak to your landlord about what will happen if he refuses to move out.

Rainybo Mon 05-Jun-17 07:32:46

The moment will come. You're nearly there. Sometimes you can't plan for it, sometimes suddenly something inside you clicks into place. If you're in counselling then you have a lot going on as you process everything you've pushed down over the years.

It happened to me. I took it and took it and took it. Thought that I couldn't do it to my children. Thought the problem was with me. And ex was a quietly manipulative arse so I didn't trust my own feelings and judgement. I thought I was trapped.

One evening I was so tired. I had said so too and that once the kids were in bed I was going to have a bath and go to bed. He decided this was the right time to discuss our relationship. It was one sentence he said 'aren't you going to work any harder at this relationship?' and this feeling of absolute calmness took over me. 'No, I'm not. I'm done. I want to separate.' I shocked myself if I'm honest.

He moved out within three weeks (with me cast as the evil bitch). That was over two years ago and I have never been happier. Neither have my children. I knew the end was coming, I just didn't know how or when. Now, with distance, I can see what a selfish shit he truly is.

Be free.

noego Mon 05-Jun-17 09:50:10

Talk to Women's Aid

whatsmyname2017 Mon 05-Jun-17 10:08:32

I totally feel for you OP. I was with my exP for 16 years and we split up just recently. I was like you, I couldn't stand being in the same room as him, didn't fancy him anymore, just didn't love him but the thought of actually splitting up filled me with fear and dread. We have 2DC which made it harder. We never talk to each other about feelings or problems so I struggled to tell him (coupled with the fact his mum was terminally ill). I ended up putting it in a text message after he hadn't spoken to me for 3 days. Sounds callous, I know and i do regret that now but I had to tell him before I went absolutely crazy.
Like you, I also feel bad about him being on his own. I know he will struggle financially and it must be hard being away from the kids. I feel horrific guilt every day.
You can't carry on the way you are though, that is no way to live. If you can't speak to him write him a letter. You can't be responsible for him anymore so he is going to have to move out one way or another and live on his own.
I am also your age and realised I didn't want to spend another 10 years like this, then wake up after the DC have left home and be left with him!
You can do this. flowers

ExConstance Mon 05-Jun-17 10:21:12

Maybe you need a counsellor who does life coaching too? You need a road map to make progress through the separation and untangling of so many unhappy years together and a series of steps to follow to get there. I've no experience of this sort of situation but have found the "road map" way of problem solving useful in other areas of life.

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