Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I regret giving up on my marriage

(28 Posts)
Whathappensnowthen Sun 04-Jun-17 20:37:54

I'm so upset and don't know what to do.

Basically my husband and I have had all sorts of issues in the last 18 months, mainly resulting from arguments over the massive debt we're in and his excessive alcohol consumption. We separated in January, but remained under the same roof as we had a lot of logistics to sort out regarding our young children. We have had a lot of 'deep' discussions in the last 6 months that we have been separated and have both, I suppose, taken on board a certain amount of what the other has said. As a result, there has actually been an improvement in things in general, although we certainly hadn't resolved all our differences.

Anyway, 2 weeks ago he had to leave to go abroad on business for a few days and before he left I said I was having second thoughts about a separation. We had a long discussion and it sounded like he was in agreement. However, later that evening he said I had made my bed and now had to lay in it. I was planning on moving to my parents with the children and he said that should go ahead.

Fast forward to yesterday and we moved out. My husband has been very accommodating, dismantled beds etc and moved them round to my parents and rebuilt them. All in all, very helpful. I have been at my parents for 24 hours now and have cried almost solidly since. I don't want to be separated. I don't want us to live apart. I thought this was the way forward, I now realise how wrong I was and that I should have put more effort into working on our marriage. (We did try, but never had much time alone with small children and childcare difficult to come by). I know deep down that I already knew I was making a big mistake by leaving several weeks ago, but he seemed adamant it had to go ahead as we'd told the children.

What can I do? What should I do?

MrsDc7 Sun 04-Jun-17 20:40:26

The only thing you can do is have a frank conversation with him and see how he feels. It sounds like he is happy for the separation to go ahead though so try and prepare yourself for that. All the best x

Wolfiefan Sun 04-Jun-17 20:43:11

If you haven't resolved the differences then perhaps you are more scared of being alone and missing what could have been rather than missing the actual reality of the relationship.
Is he still drinking heavily? Why the debt? (If it's not too rude to ask!)

Ellisandra Sun 04-Jun-17 20:44:40

An alcoholic that tells you that you have made your bed and have to lie in it?
What a cunt.
You've made the right decision.
What you're feeling now is fear of the unknown, you're grabbing at what you know.

He's a nasty little fucker isn't he, coming out with that mean and punishing line.

Stay strong - but accept that the tears will fall. I think once you're settled and no longer afraid of the next stage of your life, all the reasons why you ended it will be crystal clear and you'll be relieved he didn't snake his way back in when you wobbled.


ImperialBlether Sun 04-Jun-17 20:46:55

Sometimes you have no choice but to end it - it's maybe not what you want but what you need for your own future and the health of your own mind.

Living with an alcoholic who has got himself into massive debt sounds incredibly stressful. Give yourself some time and you'll start to relax and realise life is better without him there.

Tootsiepops Sun 04-Jun-17 20:48:16

...later that evening he said I had made my bed and now had to lay in it.

That's a very spiteful thing to say.

Babyonboard101 Sun 04-Jun-17 20:49:05

Not read whole thread but you sound like you love him, so leave the kids with your parents and go round there, get your man back. He married you for a reason. If I were u and it were my partner I'd throw myself at him but that's just me smile good luck

JoJoSM2 Sun 04-Jun-17 20:51:53

I totally agree with Elisandra.

Also, it's only now that you've properly separated: the last 6 months seem to have been more of a halfway house. You'll probably feel very down for a while but it sounds like you're doing 100% the right thing.

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Jun-17 20:53:08

Babyonboard101 that is probably the worst advice I've ever read on here.

charlyn Sun 04-Jun-17 20:55:07

Why would you want to be with someone with an alcohol problem and who doesn't want to be with you by the sound of it? You say you wish you had worked harder at the marriage but what about him? It would never have worked if he wasnt willing to put in the same amount of effort. Its sounds like your just scared of all the changes that are occurring now youve seperated but it will get better.

whatsmyname2017 Sun 04-Jun-17 20:56:45

Just from the other side of the fence..... I ended my 16 year relationship and my exP moved out yesterday. I have cried all day today and it feels as though someone has died. I never knew I would feel like this, its beyond painful. However, I know it was the right decision and that things will get better.
What I'm trying to say is, perhaps you are simply grieving the marriage, rather than genuinely feeling like its a mistake. Everyone has doubts when reality sets in (even those people 100% sure on their decision).
I would give it some time and, if you still feel this strongly about it, all you can do is talk to him again. He may change his mind when reality sets in for him.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Sun 04-Jun-17 20:57:30

Your problems won't be fixed. Going back because you feel lonely and panicky is no resolution. He hasn't stopped drinking, you still have debt. All that's happened is that they aren't looming so large now that you're looking at life on your own.

Go through with the separation.

babyonboard, er... no.

Whathappensnowthen Sun 04-Jun-17 21:00:46

We have both said spiteful things, as you do when you feel you are on the defensive. He claimed not to have seen the split coming and he did genuinely seem shocked. When he started to change his ways a bit I thought it was just for show, but 6 months on and I'm thinking that actually he can change, has changed. I know he has issues with me too, certain things he would like me to address, which is fair enough. I'm just worried that, mentally, he's come to terms with me leaving and now no longer wants me.

We've both been under a lot of pressure with work, illness and the children, so that really hasn't helped. In truth, we never get a break and that, I guess, is what broke us. No chance to reconnect or voice concerns, always too tired to have a proper conversation or taking things the wrong way when we did speak. My parent are being very supportive and not taking sides, so I don't want them thinking I'm messing them about (although it will probably seem like that). I just know I need to do something.

PacificDogwod Sun 04-Jun-17 21:01:26

You may well be grieving for the relationship you wished you had, the one you'd always imagined you'd have.
Moving out has brought it home that this was not the reality with your H.

I agree that the comment about making your bed and now having to lie in it from somebody who drinks too much and who has differing ideas re finances than you, is rather awful.
Seems to me he is telling you who he is - listen to him.

Also, as an aside, why did you and the kids move out?? Why not him and leave the children in their usual environment?

I think a period of separation sounds like a good idea. Cry yourself out, when you are calm and collected think about what you want your and your DCs' lives to like like. Maybe he will use the time/space apart to address his issues too - who knows?

outabout Sun 04-Jun-17 21:07:37

Live apart for a while, month/months but don't burn bridges unnecessarily. I am not meaning compromise, just don't go out of the way to make things bad.

LastSummerWine Sun 04-Jun-17 21:09:53

It doesn't sound like he in love with you. He seems very keen, almost too keen to help you with moving out rather than fighting to keep the family together hmm. Infact I'd hazard guess he's already got something on the side and he's in a bit of panic over you now wanting to change your mind, hence the harsh comments.

I'm sorry it's all gone wrong OP. I wouldn't stay with an alcoholic either, I think you've made the right decision to be honest. Wishing you all the best with settling you and the kids into your new life, be strong, you'll get there.

WorknameJimEllis Sun 04-Jun-17 21:13:00

Someone very wise said on here

' just because something feels good doesn't make it the right thing for you

And just because this feels bad, (now) doesn't make it the wrong decision'

Your feelings are deceptive. And I think pps are right. You are rightly and naturally grieving. Probably for what might have been, not what actually was.

Anyway if the relationship is that great, give him a year to get sober, THEN you can try again.

gillybeanz Sun 04-Jun-17 21:18:04

The thing is OP a separation is away from each other, you haven't experienced this until now.
What you have been through was a type of limbo land and now it has come to a head where he has made his decision.
From the sounds of it you are going to be much better off without a drunk alcoholic for a husband and the kids lives will be better too.

Therealslimshady1 Sun 04-Jun-17 21:18:22

Why were you and the kids the ones that had to move out?

Hope you feel a bit better soon, fwiw he sounds awful, and it is quite normal to feel upset

sleepingdragons Sun 04-Jun-17 21:20:13

WSS ^ I was just about to ask - why did you and the kids move - why not him?

MattBerrysHair Sun 04-Jun-17 21:26:29

I felt similar after my exdh and I separated. I was grieving the loss of the good parts of our relationship and the life I'd envisioned for us when we first married. The anguish was enormous, as was the fear of the unknown. Realistically though, the actual marriage was rubbish and we're both much happier in new relationships.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 04-Jun-17 21:26:29

I'm sure it feels very scary going it alone. It sounds as though you have supportive parents. Shame that your husband has not been supportive of you. Six months isn't long enough for you to know if this really is a permanent change. If he truly wanted to be a better man for you and your children, it wouldn't have taken splitting up to do it. Personally I think you've had a lucky escape. I have family members, who drink a lot and trust me, it's absolutely not good for the children.

Hulder Sun 04-Jun-17 21:35:27

Several things:

I wouldn't believe the word of a person with an alcohol problem

I wouldn't stay in in a relationship with someone with an alcohol problem

He hasn't got your back

I would expect my parents to 100% take my side if I was the one who hadn't screwed it up by failing to address an alcohol problem

SparklyMagpie Sun 04-Jun-17 21:49:28

Another also not getting why you and your children had to leave the house?

He sounds like a dick

sizeofalentil Sun 04-Jun-17 22:03:13

Crying doesn't meant this was the wrong choice - it just means you're human and you are grieving for the situation.

It sounds like he wants to punish you for initiating the split. The best thing you can do right now is to try to make yourself and your kids as happy as you can and give it time and space and see what happens.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: