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Not sure how much more I can take before I lose the plot completely.(32 Posts)
My partner can start over anything. Literally anything. I think he can now tell i'm trying to get out of the relationship and so he's ramping up the abuse. I suffer BADLY with anxiety and a severe phobia of being alone (comes from things that happened in my childhood). I have been trying to make friends as the only one I ever had gave up on me. He always find a way to isolate me completely. I have no friends in this area, cant drive, cant walk very far. In the last month he has tortured me, every two days on average by leaving me in the middle of the night when he knows I have no one to talk to, wont be able to sleep because i'm so upset and will sit shaking in terror for hours until its light enough for me to take a short walk to clear my head. Then he also knows I will be so sleep deprived I wont think straight and he'll say things like i'm lazy because I sleep in the day, i'm not doing my housework etc etc.
So here's an example: Today we were discussing what i'd do with the garden, everything was fine, normal. We were all watching tv later, I was hungry (have only just started eating again two days ago, I lose my appetite when im upset). I asked him and the three kids if they wanted a snack, they all said no. Then he said "oh hang on, what are you having?" I said cheese on toast. He said he'd have some. I went and did it, I have worcs sauce on mine while its cooking, he has ketchup on his when its done. I put his at the back where it cooks quicker (common sense, the cook eats last). It was slightly burnt on two corners. Stupid me...I didn't think it would matter. I gave it to him and made a daft joke about moms home cooking (taking the piss out of myself). He said "I'm not bloody eating THAT". Point blank refused. I offered to cut the burnt bits off, nope. So I went back into the kitchen, put ketchup on mine which was now done and took it in. Despite originally refusing it, he had eaten one whole cheese on toast. Refused mine saying it was too much. I told him, it was no use to me now as I don't like ketchup. He still refused so I threw it in the bin thinking "ok act like a child, I'll treat you like one". I sat down. "Where's yours?" He said. I replied I wasn't hungry anymore (as he well knew, I can't eat when i'm upset). He angrily got up and started slicing cheese in the kitchen. I went in and just said "look it doesn't matter im not hungry now, just eat yours". He threw the knife across the kitchen and wouldn't eat the rest of his. So I threw that away too.
By this time i'm in tears and he starts telling me he knew this would happen, that i'd cause a row after he'd helped me clean and taken me shopping. That he didn't WANT food and i'd forced him, he was sick of me, I was selfish etc etc. Then he packed his things and left.
I can't figure out what i'm doing wrong...all I did was slightly burn the corners of some toast. How on earth can that cause such a huge row? Im pretty sure most of us have burnt food at some time or other, my kids just laugh when I have a kitchen fail which is what me and dd were doing, until he kicked off over it. He does not have the ability to laugh at life, or laugh at himself like I do. My life is a misery with him, and a lonely anxious misery without him. I just...don't get it....how can that make someone so angry?
I'm so sorry you are feeling sad. It's not surprising after he was so awful to you. He sounds emotionally abusive.
You can't change anyone else only yourself. What are you getting from the relationship? Maybe you need to think about what is best for you and your children and that could be a life apart from him.
He isn't here or I wouldn't be posting There's no way i'd get away with posting this. He follows me downstairs if I get out of bed. If I post it's safe, if I don't, he's around.
Are you on your own now? It sounds as if you need some support. Do you have any family?
Thanks Kate, it's not as easy as it sounds though. I cant drive, I cant afford taxis, I have no friends nearby, I cant afford online shopping, I cant walk for more than ten minutes and I cant afford the phone bill to keep talking to people. Im stuck.
I have no family apart from my mum and I cant keep worrying her.
I know how silly it seems to people who have never suffered with anxiety but its a horrible illness. If you think about your worst fear...and we all have one. That one thing that makes you sweat and shake, cant think straight, heart pounding...that's how being alone makes me feel. But in my case it isn't actually harmless because im epileptic and it can and does send me into a seizure. For instance: My son hates spiders (don't know why, they don't bother me one bit), but if I were to throw a spider on him every day he'd soon become a nervous wreck. Playing on someone's worst fear is cruel but in my case is actually physically harmful. I have absences too...I forget the name but sometimes i'll just stare into space...i'm here but im not here. The thick headed pig just says im being ignorant and bollocks me for it.
You need to contact Women's Aid so they can help,you to escape.
Barely, where do you think he has gone? Is he likely to return?
As I posted on another recent thread, lock the door, leave the key in and leave it turned as far as it will go.
Lock all windows and close curtains.
If he returns being agressive call 999.
Who's name is the house in? Rented/mortgage?
You say you can't afford things like taxis... I'm assuming he controls all of the household finances?
If you can, get to the bank soon, take passport/dl, council tax bill etc, and open your own account. Get any wages/benefits that YOU are entitled to paid into that account.
Can you tell us roughly where in the country you are in case anyone can offer phone numbers to local services?
I also just fully read your post about your anxiety.
I was there once. I would have 5 to10 panic attacks every day.
I had panic attacks thinking about being alone.
I also panciked about going out in public.
I panicked if people talked to me.
But i also panicked if people didnt because I felt like I was some kind of weirdo noone wanted to socialise with.
As soon as I left my cunt of an exh, I found the panic attacks reduced massively.
Through some therapy and self help I realised that the reason I was afraid of being alone was because he was drilling into my head that i 'couldn't cope' on my own. I worried about going out in public and talking to people because I was not allowed friends or acquaintances. If I spoke to anyone I was reprimanded. If I kept quiet when I 'should' talk to someone I was reprimanded. It was a lose/lose situation.
Anxiety becomes far easier to deal with when you cut off the source.
Rose, he doesn't control anything here. It's my house, my finances, my bills, my account. he doesn't have access to anything. We have nothing in joint names, never have. He has his own place, just leeches off me like a big baby. Nothing here belongs to him, its all mine. He just likes to go rooting through my stuff. No privacy at all.
He does control things darling. He controls your mind, he creates anxiety in you, he creates an atmosphere which he knows mentally tortures you.
I'd put money on if you do not let that abusive turd back in your life, AT ALL, you will start to feel better very quickly.
You don't like being alone, he likes you feeling alone. He's feeding your anxiety.
We are always here for you, and if you're rid of him, you are free to come here whenever you like, you feel anxious or lonely.
So....hand hold here. Start mending, today.
That does sound so daft when I read it back. Because I don't need refuge, this is my house. He has no right at all to be here. He's not physically violent. My stuff is mine. I just hate the way he walks in like he owns the place....expects me to lend him money "oh but we need petrol for "our" car". Well yeah, I do see it as our car because if it weren't for me he wouldn't have it. Audacity to park on MY drive.
(gathers myself together) I would like to say wankbucket.
feel much better now.
That does sound so daft when I read it back. Because I don't need refuge, this is my house. He has no right at all to be here
Damn right. Hold that thought. Don't let him back.
He may not be physically violent (throwing a knife across the kitchen isn't great though, is it?) but he is certainly emotionally abusive which is just as bad, if not worse, especially to one who is anxious like you.
Please make the decision to cut this dead weight loose x
Yet despite all that you are still in a relationship with him? What GOOD POSITIVE things does this relationship bring to your life and the lives of your children? The way he treats you is not ok it's appalling
Are they his children op? for you. You're not alone you have us.
Keep him locked out. Tell him it's over and when his stuff will be outside for him to collect. He may cry beg and plead, then become angry, then abusive. This is normal (boringly predictable). Any hint of him kicking off, then call the police. He will be making your anxiety worse. By leaving you in an anxious state he is training you to behave, if you do things his way you are rewarded with him not walking out. This is no way to live, he sounds disgusting and doesn't deserve to be given cheese on toast. If dh gave me slightly burnt toast I'd cut the crust off myself or just leave those bits on the plate.
He won't get better. Why are you hanging on to him? Throw him back into the pond.
Then join a local community group, anything and everything, whatever is local. If you are in a village are there church groups? Art groups? Yoga? The group campaigning for a new bypass. It may not be your thing but you will meet people and this may lead to you meeting even more people and that will give you the company you want.
What does losing the plot looks like to you. If it means changing the locks and telling him to get the fuck out of your life then I recommend losing it as soon as you can. Please end it with this controlling abuser and you might find your anxiety and issues start to disappear.
Think of it this way - you aren't on your own if he disappears in the middle of the night, because you have the children. Please, you really are in an excellent position simply to change the locks and get him out of your life. If you need help with that, call Women's Aid. But please do it, there is simply no reason to have this horrible man in your life for one more second.
Then he packed his things and left.
For good hopefully. In all seriousness, don't let him back in.
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