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Should I cancel?

(23 Posts)
peppapigpasta Fri 02-Jun-17 21:39:12

I am in real turmoil at the moment as to whether I should attend a family holiday that has been arranged, which would involve spending over a week with my abusive controlling parents.
There will be other family there who are not abusive but I am particularly worried about my father who has a tendency to be cruel, cold, controlling and aggressive (especially with me, and he has directed it at dc before)
I am not so worried about me, I am damaged enough by it all anyway, but my young dc.
The problem is I have had such a horrible couple of years, leaving an
abusive relationship, I wish I could do something nice but deep down I worry that there is a risk that their influence could be damaging and I won't be able to get away this time.
They could kick off and get nasty with me, blaming me for being a bad person, or even just subtle everyday things. I feel sometimes that I am so alone and I am really struggling to cope with all this.
Seeing this all written down I know I should cancel shouldn't I.

WhiteCaribou Fri 02-Jun-17 21:43:38

Yes I think you should cancel. Even if nothing happens and your parents don't behave badly you will spend the whole time on tenterhooks waiting for something bad to happen. You won't enjoy yourself and worse, your DC will sense that you are wound up and distressed and they will be confused and worried. It's just not worth it.

Pinkknickers Fri 02-Jun-17 21:46:18

If they're as bad as they sound then yes, I would cancel. I wouldn't want to spend my holiday waiting for it. Cancel the holiday, go somewhere else and make happy memories with your kids instead x

peppapigpasta Fri 02-Jun-17 21:51:39

Thank you for your replies.
There is a chance that they could be fine, that nothing will happen,
But it's the risk that it will, and I can't take that anymore.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 02-Jun-17 22:00:51

100% cancel. You don't need that bullshit.

jeaux90 Fri 02-Jun-17 22:29:27

No don't. Go do something nice with dc instead x

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 02-Jun-17 22:35:56

Cancel. This will be no holiday for you, always on tenterhooks waiting for the next attack.

Babyonboard101 Fri 02-Jun-17 22:37:00

I don't understand why you agreed to go in the first place. Of course don't go!!

peppapigpasta Fri 02-Jun-17 22:54:37

Thanks again for your responses,

I agreed to go because they decided to join us at the last minute, and since then I've been really torn about it. Trying to convince myself it will be ok.
Mainly as they can be ok some of the time.

In my heart I think I know it's the wrong thing. I can't relax with them, they snap at the slightest thing and then spiral into melodrama and character assassination. Either that or it's silent treatment, disapproving grunts/glares.
I try and avoid them now as they often make me feel depressed.
If we go on holiday it will be the longest I've spent with them for a long time and I will be trapped.

C0RAL Fri 02-Jun-17 23:41:54

Please cancel. You need to keep yourself and your children safe.

Chloe84 Sat 03-Jun-17 07:52:58

Who invited them? Any chabce they would rescind the invitation to your parents? Long shot I know.

peppapigpasta Sat 03-Jun-17 08:43:18

No, no chance of that Chloe84.
Last time I stayed with them my DF went ballistic because my dc threw some food on the floor (aged 1 at the time) and this escalated into a shouting tirade about behaviour and a character assassination directed at dc and also me.
I actually had to retreat to my room (Although it was hard because df had foot in the door). DM crying downstairs because I was upsetting her.
These are the sort of potential
Scenarios it's so damaging.

peppapigpasta Sat 03-Jun-17 08:44:49

And unfortunately what I had to live with growing up

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 03-Jun-17 08:56:57

You need to cancel.

Do not see your parents at all let alone go on holiday with them. Your children do not need to be exposed to such toxic behaviour from relatives. You have been profoundly affected by them as parents, they could do similar damage to your children as well. Toxic parents make for being toxic grandparents.

Abusers are nice sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. I feel Womens Aid Freedom Programme would help you no end.

Your parents own abusive treatment of you led you into having an abusive relationship yourself. We learn after all about relationships first and foremost from our parents and they taught you a lot of damaging lessons.

You can recover from such abuse through therapy even though that is a long road; are you seeing a therapist currently?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 03-Jun-17 08:57:33

I would also suggest you read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

peppapigpasta Sat 03-Jun-17 10:19:42

Thank you for your message Attila that does put it in perspective.

I am not seeing a therapist at the moment, but feel I need some guidance as to how to escape from these feelings of unhappiness and worry (and a host of other things)
I carry on for dc of course.

AmserGwin Sat 03-Jun-17 10:41:16

Definitely don't go

CatsAndCandles Sat 03-Jun-17 12:29:40

Definitely cancel.
Sounds like you might need some help dealing with them generally. Captain Awkward is brilliant - worth looking up.

ImperialBlether Sat 03-Jun-17 12:37:49

You shouldn't go on holiday with them, no. They don't deserve your company and as a PP said, you'll be on eggshells the whole time even if nothing actually happens.

Who else is going on the holiday? How come they were able to invite themselves? Will you lose money?

peppapigpasta Sat 03-Jun-17 20:54:30

They have suggested I shouldn't go, they don't want me there anyway.
They deny this, but I know deep down they don't want me there. I'm too dysfunctional for them. It really hurts.

OnTheRise Sat 03-Jun-17 22:08:56

Don't go on the holiday. You will be abused, and you don't deserve it.

And try not to care about whether they love you or not. What's important is that you care for yourself, and you treat yourself well.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 03-Jun-17 22:13:44

Sweetheart you are not dysfunctional. They are nasty cruel dysfunctional bastards who do not deserve the luxury of your time or presence.

Do not be defined by what they did to you, use their hatred to motivate you. Start to do things you've always wanted to, you can be a success (if you aren't already) and consider cutting them out of your life completely.

They are still damaging you to this day and that is so unfair on you and your children.

It's not you it's them.

Thebluedog Sat 03-Jun-17 22:16:35

Cancel cancel cancel go and do something fun with your DC instead, make happy memories for you flowers

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