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Anyone got any reading recommendations for making better decisions next time?!

(6 Posts)
MollyBloomYes Fri 02-Jun-17 20:11:14

Horribly clunky title, sorry!

My exH left November 2015, a month before our second child was born. OW involved emotionally if not physically.

It came as quite a bolt, I'd started to feel things were up maybe late September so not a lot of time for things to go sideways. Before that I would have said we had a great relationship, no doubts etc.

However, with the benefit of hindsight I'm starting to think that although there was an awful lot of good stuff, I perhaps should have chosen more wisely (for example I was always afraid to completely argue my point in case he got the better of me in an argument or walked out or whatever. Awful lot of gaslighting over minor things that I didn't realise at the time. Because I didn't know what gaslighting was!)

I guess I'm just trying to see if anyone has read anything that really resonated with them over how you behave in a relationship and how to be more mindful of what is ok to put up with and what is not. How to trust myself to choose someone who actually is worthy of me rather than ignore or justify shitty behaviour. I haven't even got a prospect of a relationship at the moment and I'm fine with that, but I feel like I need to delve a little deeper into this before seeking one out.

Probably a huge ramble hopefully someone will understand what I'm getting at!

Justbreathing Fri 02-Jun-17 20:18:54

Well I think therapy is a good start. Often the choices we make are so ingrained in our psyche we don't even realise.
I read women who love to much which very much resonated with me. I've recommended it before.
Lack of boundaries about what we will accept is a huge issue and it did make me realise that I accept behaviour that others would find unacceptable
But we are all different.
Good luck op it's a hard road, but half the battle is recognising that there is a problem in how you interact with partners.

Secretlife0fbees Fri 02-Jun-17 20:23:46

I read this article the other night on this very subject www.psychotherapy.com.au/fileadmin/site_files/pdfs/SharkCage.pdf

Someone posted it on another thread as I'm in the same position and worry about my own boundaries and making healthy choices. It's good

MumsKnitter Fri 02-Jun-17 23:16:45

I'd highly recommend 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. It's written by an American therapist whom abusers were obliged by the courts to see to avoid jail. He's not sympathetic to men like that, and has met many of them and details what's going on with these behaviours and why they do that (bottom line is that they feel entitled to do so). It's really enlightening, and if you study it, you'll most likely not pick a wrong 'un again.

MollyBloomYes Sun 04-Jun-17 00:43:47

Thank you so much, some really helpful starting points! I'm really encouraged that I at least recognise it in myself-a good starting point!

I have considered therapy but don't really have the budget for it at the moment. I'm hoping doing some reading of my own will be a good starting point and hopefully be able to access some therapy once my finances will stretch to it.

Thanks again everyone

MargotMoon Sun 04-Jun-17 01:12:05

Baggage Reclaim website and her (Natalie Lue's) book Mr Unavailable saw me through some bad times. Her writing style can be irritating but she knows her shit.

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