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Another bloody rape thread :( *triggering*

(17 Posts)
pleaseromainecalm Fri 02-Jun-17 00:54:16

I have name changed for this, and am also sad at how many threads there are like this.
Two years ago I was very drunk, and having sex with my ex-husband (he was not my ex at the time. He now is). We were having sex standing in the shower, he was behind me. He, erm, proceeded to have very painful anal sex with me, whilst I was screaming for him to stop. He didn't stop. Kept saying you love it you dirty bitch.

He totally raped me, right? I've been quite open and telling people he did, but sometimes I'm just unsure. Any trauma I experienced through the things he put me through I'm guessing haven't come out yet, as I'm just so happy to be out of that marriage.

I just wanted to confirm I'm not being a drama queen. I tried to stop him but its really hard when someone is right behind you.

RhythmAndStealth Fri 02-Jun-17 01:57:00

flowers

thestamp Fri 02-Jun-17 01:58:34

That's rape. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It sounds dreadfully traumatic. You must have been really frightened.

I'm just really sorry you went through that.

HelenaDove Fri 02-Jun-17 01:59:49

YES. He raped you. Have you thought about talking to Rape Crisis.

RhythmAndStealth Fri 02-Jun-17 02:01:31

I am so sorry he did that to you.

Yes, it was rape. You are definitely not being a drama queen. He should never have done that, he should have stopped when you told him to, never mind you having to scream and try to stop him.

It's entirely possible that you are experiencing the trauma of that experience now, as you are away from him and it's coming out now. If you haven't had counseling/support already, Rape Crisis can help.

Glad to hear you are no longer in that marriage.

Again, so sorry to hear what happened. I hope you are now able to enter a phase where you can process and heal. flowers

Hidingtonothing Fri 02-Jun-17 02:06:06

I almost wish I could say you were being a drama queen OP but no, that was definitely rape I'm so sorry. Do you have good support around you? It's good that you're aware that stuff might surface at some point, sounds like you've been through a lot flowers

BertieNlolly Fri 02-Jun-17 02:06:32

That is rape. Please don't question yourself or make it seem less serious than it is. Its worse that someone so close to you who is meant to protect you more than anyone could do that to you. My heart goes out to you massively. I'm glad your not with him anymore and I hope your healing and have good support around you that you deserve. I hope he gets what he deserves!!! flowers

SurfacingTrunk Fri 02-Jun-17 02:56:16

Definitely rape.

Definitely traumatic sounding.

Definitely not a drama queen.

Just FYI though - because I see it often come up here - not everybody who goes through a traumatic event suffers from PTSD type traumatic symptoms afterwards. Some do and there's nothing wrong with or weak about that. Some don't and that doesn't mean it wasn't awful or somehow make the event less bad. And sometimes the trauma can manifest years later too. So if you're not suffering from it now, good and hopefully it stays that way!

Pallisers Fri 02-Jun-17 03:07:09

God almighty that is so disturbing to read. I know there are no gradations of rape - it is all brutal but what you described is so brutal the guy couldn't even have pretended to himself that you were consenting.

So sorry this happened to you. No idea why you would second-guess for a second that you were brutally raped. So glad you are out of the marriage and telling people he is a rapist. he is.

TheMaddHugger Fri 02-Jun-17 03:09:59

Soft ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) flowers

Shoxfordian Fri 02-Jun-17 06:35:11

Yes that was rape. I'm sorry OP flowers
Glad that he's your ex now
Have you called Rape Crisis to get some support ?

Bluelonerose Fri 02-Jun-17 07:53:22

Long time lurker first time posted.
I'm so so sorry for you. As others have already said this is rape!
Please don't do nothing. It is unacceptable behaviour from anybody. Contact your local Sarac they are a fantastic help. I have been there & suffer from ptsd & depression because of it. Please don't put up with this let him know that it is rape there are too many "grey areas" as it is.

mynotsoperfectlife Fri 02-Jun-17 07:54:59

Yes, he did, disgusting bastard flowers

pleaseromainecalm Fri 02-Jun-17 14:27:42

Oh gosh thank you all. i always thought that something like that would never happen to me.
I even said the next day, after being unable to sleep all night, 'why did you do that?' His answer: I thought you'd be too drunk to remember. And even now I still have to ask!
I will definitely get counseling.
I'm so sorry this happened to you bluelonerose. Id love to see him in prison but I'm too scared of him to do anything. He's a nasty bastard. I wish I could warn his new fiancée but I don't think she'd believe me

RhythmAndStealth Fri 02-Jun-17 15:53:03

I warned a friend about an ex of mine who attempted similar on me when I was drunk. We were just in bed though and he wasn't able to corner me so I got away.

We were still part of the same friendship group and they were getting close. So I let her know. She told him, he got very angry, sent some angry texts demanding that I justify myself. I told him he knew what he'd done and to fuck off out of my life for good.

She also told another good friend of mine. A friend who I had supported after a sexual assault, and as both a child sexual abuse and rape survivor. She said "I know him well and I don't think he would rape someone". She also said that he was a useful friend for her to have as he gave advice about property etc. and so he was a good friend to have.

Despite having previously cried in my arms about the damage her mum had caused her in her childhood. She was sexually abused by a relative, repeatedly, and when she told her mum about it, her mum told her to stop telling ridiculous lies, as the relative was very important to them, especially about money.

Her abuse continued, covered up, for years. Other young relatives were abused too and she became involved in an incestuous relationship with one of her fellow abuse victims. That's how she described it- an incestuous relationship- I don't know if it was instigated by the older abuser, but she did describe it as a supportive and loving relationship, a place she felt safe from abuse and disbelief. She also had severe psychiatric problems, was a teenage alcoholic and drug addict, tried to commit suicide many, many times. She struggled to have sexual relationships with men, and was rejected by her family when she came out as a lesbian. She was hospitalized regularly, privately, and her abuser paid for treatment. Including family therapy with her mum, who continued to refuse to believe her about the abuse or her sexuality. Even though the abuser was successfully prosecuted for his abuse of another family member.

At the time she spoke to me about my warning to our friend about my ex, she also confided in me that in her relationships with women, she "needed" to play an aggressive "male" role sexually, and to enact rape fantasies with herself as the rapist not the victim. And she used this fact to try to explain to me that sometimes acts of sexual aggression, even in the abscence of consent, within the context of a relationship, were not rape or sexual assault, just psychological processing that were beneficial to the aggressor.

I told her I had never heard so much nonsense in my life.

So I cut ties with that group. And I must say I don't regret it. On the upside, the friend I warned didn't go on to have a relationship with him. So I consider my conscience clear. I also realise that my life has gone in a much better direction without those people in it.

I felt very betrayed by the friend who I had believed and supported through her sexual assault and over the history of what had happened to her. She in essence, behaved as her mother did towards her. I have heard about 5th hand, that there have been some changes there. After transitioning from female to male a few years ago, he is now married. The abuser paid for the surgery, and his mum is delighted that he is now a normal, obedient son instead of a troublesome, lying daughter. And they are now all a big reunited extended happy family.

My point is things often seem very complicated, but they are really very simple. Forcing someone to have sex against their will is rape. No matter what the relationship status is, what the background of the aggressor is, how useful or rich the aggressor is.

And the kind of people who don't believe you over this are dangerous to have in your life.

Anyway, if you can do so from a safe distance (and only if you can do it from a safe distance- I had moved a fair distance for work), warn his new fiancée. She may or may not believe you. She may or may not cause a fuss. But she might end up breaking off the engagement and avoiding his abuses. Or she might remember what you've said the first time he does something untoward and leave quicker than she might have done. But only do it if it won't compromise your safety.

pleaseromainecalm Fri 02-Jun-17 17:19:49

RhythmAndStealth
Thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately I don't feel safe enough to be able to comfortably tell her. He has a history of being controlling and abusive - I really hope she gets out at the beginning and doesn't wait for it to spiral before she eventually leaves.

RhythmAndStealth Fri 02-Jun-17 17:45:17

Glad to hear you've made a sensible choice prioritizing your safety Romaine. flowers

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