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Leaving for a while- this is the right thing isn't it?

(22 Posts)
totoromama Thu 01-Jun-17 19:44:01

My name is Toto and I'm an alcoholic. I have slowly been destroying my family. My last episode of drinking was Tuesday. I also have mental health issues. After a long conversation with DH. He has decided that I should go and stay with my parents ( v toxic narcissistic - whole stately homes thread) who I have only been back in contact with for 2 weeks. I sort of agree as I can't seem to get sober here. So I'm going to give it a go. Apparently it's not the end it's a break. But fuck I don't know. I have no clue how to tell my parents and ask if I can stay and am also terrified they won't let me in. I don't know what advice I need or reassurance. Has anyone​ left and come back?

totoromama Thu 01-Jun-17 20:21:31


nctime Thu 01-Jun-17 20:24:17

If your parents are stars of stately homes are you sure you won't be worse off there? Will you drink in order to cope with their behaviour?

fannyanddick Thu 01-Jun-17 20:27:23

I'm not sure moving back with your parents is the best idea. Do you want to get sober? Are. You getting help from your doctor or any groups or anything?

totoromama Thu 01-Jun-17 20:27:36

I hope not. They will be annoyingly free from alcohol as I think my mother likes the drama she'll be happy to take me to AA or come with me. I have no other options. I'm not alcoholic enough to warrant NHS rehab according to SS and GP

fannyanddick Thu 01-Jun-17 20:57:00

Well sounds good if there free of alcohol and happy to support you. I think it is very possible that you could go back if you are really committed to going sober. I think with addiction, the drive needs to come from within. Good luck.

totoromama Thu 01-Jun-17 21:04:02

Thanks Fanny. Part of the problem is that they are also alcoholic. They will pretend they aren't and monitor me. They are v smothering and always right but if they can take me in and help !? I don't have anywhere else to go

nctime Thu 01-Jun-17 21:05:24

NHS support for alcohol abuse is shocking to be honest. If you use alcohol to self medicate/avoidance then you may be worse off at your parents. I'm currently in this situation and I just go out to drink.

Could you try the council? They may be able to put you in temporary accommodation if you're homeless and vulnerable (don't mention your parents being an option to them - imo they're not)

AudTheDeepMinded Thu 01-Jun-17 21:10:26

NOT an expert here but, given what you've said about them and your relationship with them, it sounds a terrible idea!
Not helpful as I don't know what else to suggest. I hope someone more experienced comes along with some advice.

totoromama Thu 01-Jun-17 21:17:08

I know that it's not a great idea. But I hope that I can try to get a job there. I can't move out and stay here as I don't have the money or a job. The local alcoholic stuff is opposite the school. I have some money but I don't think £1.5k will go far of I don't try them first

C0RAL Thu 01-Jun-17 22:08:22

Why don't you stay where you are and go to AA and get other support?

Why do you say that you can't get sober there ?

Do you have kids ?

totoromama Thu 01-Jun-17 22:31:36

I have 2 dd's. My DH has a good job here.

C0RAL Thu 01-Jun-17 22:47:11

So your plan is to leave your H and kids to move in with your toxic parents who are alcoholics ? And this is how you will get sober ?

babycow38 Thu 01-Jun-17 22:53:02

Op, go to your nearest Alcohol group, you will have one nearby, then tell them and this is important, keep telling them, you need a detox, and ongoing help, you may need hospital care as you can't detox alone x

C0RAL Thu 01-Jun-17 23:11:00

Do you have an addiction support worker ?

totoromama Thu 01-Jun-17 23:21:46

I'm hoping that a few weeks with my parents will shock me into sobiarity .

C0RAL Thu 01-Jun-17 23:27:40

Well I assume that you have known your parents for a long time and it's not shocked you into sobriety so far has it ?

I'm struggling to see why this is a good plan.

Why don't you just seek help where you are ? Assuming you are ready to get sober.

totoromama Thu 01-Jun-17 23:33:20

My dh and girls need some time where I am not drunk or mad. That's why I need to go

HeddaGarbled Thu 01-Jun-17 23:56:49

No, this isn't the right thing at all. It is a truly terrible idea. These are the reasons why it's a terrible idea:

1. They are alcoholics.
2. They are toxic parents.
3. They have been and will continue to be damaging to your mental health and are therefore more likely to jeapordise your chances of recovery than help it.
4. They probably don't want you to/won't let you move in anyway.

Why can't you go to AA without your mother?

I'd spend the £1,500 on some private therapy and stay where you are. Or if your behaviour to your H and children has been so unforgivable, you need to leave the house, he'll have to find the rent for you. I know that sounds harsh to him, but him expecting you to move in with your toxic, alcoholic parents sounds vicious and cruel.

totoromama Fri 02-Jun-17 00:02:05

Hedda. My dh is prepared to pay my rent if need be or pay for rehab.

HeddaGarbled Fri 02-Jun-17 00:06:50

Then you should do both those things and stay well away from your toxic, alcoholic parents.

Ellisandra Fri 02-Jun-17 11:37:49

Really really bad idea.
Sorry, but it is.
A toxic, stressful environment is not the place to be at ANY time let alone a time when you're vulnerable.

Do not go there and do not even move out until you have spoken to a professional in alcohol abuse.

I'm not saying you shouldn't leave the family home - if the impact to your children is a problem. But I'm not liking the sound of your husband deciding this. Please decide it for yourself with a professional. It your split becomes permanent, you leaving could have serious repercussions for childcare arrangements. Don't make this decision alone - or have it made by him.

And... Well done for your bravery and good luck flowers

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