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what's going on with him??

(32 Posts)
puggedoff Thu 01-Jun-17 10:33:45

i need advice on my very new relationship - we met online end of april and really hit it off. had 3 dates over 10 days - lots in common but lots of differences to keep us interested, chemistry and just felt so at ease with him with lots of texting, and calls in between with flirting, complements & sexting.

we spent the night together (dtd) and then had a date at chessingtons which was fab - he then had a week off work in which he had to do decorating etc so we didnt see each other, he was really stressed out with not getting as much done as he wanted etc.. texting continued but there was no flirting, compliments etc...

he called me at least once a day to chat, continued texting and after his week off we have seen each other twice a week - ive stayed over at his and we've made plans for the future (going away in october, a work night out)

i am sooooo into him and have been continuously checking myself to not fall head over heels and to not appear too full on (even though he has been fairly full on too) so i was meant to spend sunday and bh monday with him at his but he was ill so he cancelled on the sat. we kept in touch texting and on bh monday he felt much better so when he called i said I'd come over later but i got a 'i need a shower and have loads of washing/housework etc to do - lets leave it and meet up later in the week'

queue me out of nowhere getting upset because im disappointed. rather than say owt, i was too embarrassed so quickly got off the phone and sat there sobbing (stupid hormonal cow)

i text him a couple of hours later saying i dont think i can do this, ive invested too much and its affecting me, he replied saying he didnt know what to say or understand what i meant.

i replied its my issue, that im in too deep and think something has changed. i asked if i could go over and talk but he said it wasnt a good idea as he was angry as I'd dumped him. i called him upset and said i wasnt dumping him just needed time out

anyway - the next morning i text him explaining how i was upset and it scared me and was worried he was no where near the same page as me. he said he felt a bit out of his depth - was used to being on his own and was worried at the speed of things

i suggested we take a week out, reevaluate if its what we want and if so how we can proceed. its killing me!!!! its been 3 days and weve texted (im sitting on my hands to stop from having the phone constantly around and waiting to reply to him) he is making effort by texting me first.

sorry for the verbal diarrhoea and if it makes no sense what so ever
im just looking for advice as to what you think is going on? i think he's gone in to his man cave and i think we do have a future so how can i not mess it up and how should i handle it when we do meet up after a week to talk?? i plan on asking him if he's still in before talking (no point going into great discussion for him to say its over)

he is very open and honest with me about everything - i dont believe he has dated anyone with kids before so i'm not sure if this has any bearing?

help?? please make sense of this nonsense - im 41 ffs not 17

pinkyredrose Thu 01-Jun-17 10:37:35

Sounds way too much hard work! You seem overinvested after such a short time. Maybe he wants to date other people or he's got a secret girlfriend?

MumBod Thu 01-Jun-17 10:38:23

Chill out.

Go and meet up with friends, have your hair done, do some shopping, have a nice lunch, read a book, do some housework, go for a run - whatever. But do it for you, and leave your phone at home.

If he wants you, he'll come and find you. If he doesn't, he doesn't. But usually, in life, whatever you run towards screaming will instinctively run in the opposite direction.

rizlett Thu 01-Jun-17 10:44:28

Oh god - he thought you were amazing and he loved spending time with you and then he was a bit scared of the depths of his feelings and needed a little break to get back in touch with himself - and then you turned into nutty woman!

The more you push and chase the further he will go. He needs some space. If you dont give it to him you will lose him anyway. You need a life of your own independent of him - there's nothing more appealing than an independent interesting woman.

He will come back if he thinks enough of you but you need to make sure that you are happy if he does. (and not complain about how awful it was without him.) You are a bit over invested. Learn to love yourself so you are not so dependent on him making you feel good.

TheNaze73 Thu 01-Jun-17 10:46:12

You'd scare a lot of people off, with that level of over investment. Never can understand why people feel the need to force things along rather than letting them grow organically.

Smoke the peace pipe, take a step back & enjoy dating.

Hissy Thu 01-Jun-17 10:56:56

You've scared the bejeesus out of ME!! shock

if I were his friend I would tell him to run for the hills and end it with you for his own sanity and future happiness.

You have met him only 5 or 6 weeks ago, take a week off of that for his decorating week, and that cuts it to 4 or 5 weeks tops. Your dates have still not long gone into double figures and yet you are ridiculously out of control.

this is YOU being the problem here, you are way too desperate and clingy.

Back off, leave the poor guy alone and work on your self-esteem and dignity.

puggedoff Thu 01-Jun-17 11:02:12

thanks ladies!!!

this is not me and i hate not being in control of my emotions after 12 yrs of being with someone who didnt evoke any of these feelings.

stupid female emotions and brain overthinking shit!!!

im going to take my daughter shopping and for lunch and not text him back until at least tea time.

puggedoff Thu 01-Jun-17 11:03:43

its limerence isnt it??

Mari50 Thu 01-Jun-17 11:05:39

You know what, I get it, I understand the overinvestment and all the excitement etc but jeez, keep it to yourself. You've known him a month. Chill out. You really need to take a step back and just go with the flow or at least appear to be going with the flow because otherwise you seem a bit scary. . .
Good luck.

UnicornSparkles1 Thu 01-Jun-17 11:06:41

Chill lady! You need to be calm, or at least pretend to be calm on the outside.

Have a nice day with your daughter and send him a breezy text much later in the day.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Thu 01-Jun-17 11:15:08

It's fine to be disappointed that he cancelled your bank holiday plans at the last minute. That's not needy. I would not rule out that he was spending that time with someone else?

It seems like he has cooled off since getting you into bed, sorry to be frank. I think his reasons for not seeing you are pretty flimsy. Decorating for a week doesn't mean you can't meet up for an evening. confused ill for an entire weekend?

A relationship shouldn't be causing you this much angst. Do you really want to continue with this? You will be spending most of your time feeling insecure with him cancelling arrangements at the last minute.

I think he wants a casual fling.

Nevergrowingold Thu 01-Jun-17 11:26:39

I think if he put decorating before you that says it all. I'm sure he could have spared a few hours out of a week. I would back off if i were you.

puggedoff Thu 01-Jun-17 11:34:02

Thanks - i am positive he isn't seeing anyone else, I've been to his house, his local, he hasn't been in a relationship for 5 yrs due to looking after his mum through dementia.

He is very honest about everything (too honest - think no inner dialogue) he's a good guy and I'm going to chill the fk out!!!

puggedoff Thu 01-Jun-17 11:38:36

He's decorating so he can sell the house - we did meet up for an evening.

I'm an intelligent, independent woman with a great career, lovely kids, nice house and everything else (apart from friends 😞) so this is completely out of character for me - I am on fluoxetine and wondering if this is just a blip in my normally mundane life.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Thu 01-Jun-17 11:48:54

It won't do any harm to chill out. Ringing him in tears telling him you have issues was never going to go well..grin

Absolutely don't get carried away with the fantasy of meeting your soul mate. Hold back a bit and take things slowly. I'm a believer in judging people on their actions rather than words. If he continues to be flaky about arrangements, cancels at the last minute and so on then don't settle for it.

I think he wants to keep things as they are. He has been on his own for a long time and is probably set in his ways and a bit selfish. He probably wants to keep meeting up occasionally on his terms.

Give it a few months and you'll have a clearer idea of what you both want and whether he is actually willing to give you any more commitment. Good luck smile

Aquamarine1029 Thu 01-Jun-17 12:25:46

Yikes. I'm afraid you've scared the shit out of him. Sobbing to him about a cancelled date due to his illness is WAY over the top, especially in such a new relationship. I hope you give him a lot of space and appreciate how much you've probably freaked him out. I'd be running for the hills if I were him. Perhaps some therapy would help you to figure out why you're like this.

pigeondujour Thu 01-Jun-17 12:47:47

A work night out? What do you mean?

pigeondujour Thu 01-Jun-17 12:54:20

I am on fluoxetine and wondering if this is just a blip in my normally mundane life.

That sounds possible, definitely. I can see my moods at the time reflected in every guy I've ever fancied. I feel for you, it's a shit feeling when you can't stop thinking about someone. Try to fake being 'cool' about it, sometimes it helps make you actually cool about it and also will make him more comfortable with you.

Adora10 Thu 01-Jun-17 13:33:59

I think you have scared him off with your desperation but, I also think he's not that keen, a whole week off and couldn't see you for a coffee, nah, and then cancelled subsequently; you really need to do other things cos right now he's not as invested as you are.

ocelot7 Thu 01-Jun-17 14:15:36

Pug I think most of us have been through this cycle (often more than once!! blush ) when we return to dating after a long/decades break...and we probably need to go through it to learn how to regain control of our emotions and learn not to overinvest...

But hats off to you for being upfront. And I think you haven't scared him off smile but he is right to take it slowly & you need to learn to do that.

I got together with my DP at a BH - we met on the Saturday but although we weren't doing much else the rest of the w/end we didn't see each other because it would have been too much. You need time as well as contact to start a new relationship... Taking it slowly made all the difference (& this this relationship didn't crash & burn!)

Keep (or start!) doing other stuff & cut down on the communication because you are busy and occupied...But don't play games - just message when you have something to say & if you wait ages for a message from him then reply immediately - don't! Switch yr phone off for periods of time or something

OLD messaging is one of life's mysteries...Because we don't really know them we seem to seek a ridiculous level of reassurance in the guise of constant messages - which is ridiculous in itself because we don't know them & they are not committed to us. Believe me, I only know this from bitter experience sad

ElspethFlashman Thu 01-Jun-17 14:18:27

You've scared the shit out of him love. Sorry.

Cricrichan Thu 01-Jun-17 14:30:10

You barely know each other and you sound a bit full on. Even if you're gagging to see him you have to restrain yourself a bit lol. Also if his house is a tip because of decorating and being ill he may not want you to see it and may not have the energy to see you. However, if he was really keen he'd find time so I think he's not that into you.

puggedoff Thu 01-Jun-17 15:39:18

Thanks ocelot - I've kept off my phone and he's text asking if I'm ok and can he call me later after work

Good sign right? I'll reply to him later

josuk Fri 02-Jun-17 20:54:04

'Good sign'? lol
It's not about signs. Not about games either.

I have a recently divorced friend who has started dating. And i see it too with her - the early overinvestment, games and reading into timing of messages and wording.
And whenever that starts - i know it won't work.

I keep telling her - just be normal, be yourself. If something bothers you - say it. If go say something silly and stupid and emotional - just admit it.
Say - you don't known why it (whatever he did, blah, blah) - why it made you go all funny.

I think - when you meet someone you like and if you fit together - games are not necessary. Honesty, openness and self-awareness - those are useful.

Aridane Fri 02-Jun-17 21:10:53

Sorry - you were too full on. If I were him. I would run for the hills. But I think you know this and I wish you luck

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