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To carry on or not......

(6 Posts)
nostrings1 Thu 01-Jun-17 10:02:00

NC for this.

At the start of the year I left a EA long term relationship (2 kids), the last few years totally miserable. I lost myself, he was moody, controlling and I was so unhappy. The split hasn't been easy, and I still love my ex despite everything, but we will not be reconciling. In the last two weeks Ex seems to have started to accept everything and has been very nice. We were together 21 years and I can count on one hand how many sexual partners I have had. I am in my own house and me and ex are sharing the child care so have a few nights off a week.

About 5 weeks ago I started seeing someone. I have known him a few years through a friendship group but not well. He knows one of my best friends for years and she thinks he is fab. I always thought he was intriguing but we hardly really spoke and when he found out I was single he contacted me and we met up. I was missing physical contact and knew he would be up for a friends with benefits type scenario. He is a really cool guy, not relationship material (think surfer, ideas on monogamy are interesting and on the whole I agree with his principles on life). He couldn't be more different from my ex in all his outlook and it is very refreshing in a lot of ways.

This last week I had 4 nights without the kids and we spent a lot of time together (lunchtimes, very late nights etc) . The sex is amazing (totally, he is very skilled and its incredibly passionate) and we get on really well (we laugh a lot). When we first started seeing each other, he said he thought I needed to go and have lots of fun with different people if I wanted too, and that if that was what I wanted or he wanted then we should be honest with each other and let the other person know. The other night I asked him if he had been seeing anyone and he said not since we started. I believe him.

The sex has moved into something much more intimate and I am starting to freak out a little bit. I am not wanting to be in a relationship, but I am also not looking for anything else. I enjoy my own company and am enjoying reconnecting with life again. So, it sounds ideal i guess. BUT..........I am not developing feelings, but I like him a lot and look forward to seeing him. However I am petrified I will start developing feelings, and I am a bit worried I have made myself vulnerable. I can cope with that, if he decided he wanted to stop or see someone else, I think I would be cool with that.

So my question is, do i stop this now, before I risk making myself more vulnerable. Or do I continue and just see what happens. Do I tell him I am frightened?

I think I have spent so long not being able to or feeling like I can share my feelings, I am scared that it will freak him out, or lead him to think there is more to it than there is.


TheNaze73 Thu 01-Jun-17 10:26:37

I'm struggling to understand what you are asking & actually what you want.

Not being flippant but, do you know?

nostrings1 Thu 01-Jun-17 10:30:15

Naze: I don't really know, i am all confused!!

Sorry if the post wasn't clear. I guess I am just scared I might end up developing feelings if this continues, in fact i know I will. So do I end it now, or take the risk and go with the flow and see what happens.

Also how much should I tell him? Should I just be honest? part of me thinks I should just be myself, tell him what is bothering me, and go from there. part of me says, don't say anything, be cool and go from there.

Does that make any sense at all or am I literally going crazy? My friend tells me I have been!

noego Thu 01-Jun-17 10:39:20

A FWB relationship can be damaging if one partner develops feelings for the other. They are supposed to be exactly as they are. Friends and sex. Don't let your mind derail you from your new found freedom. Take each day as it comes and slowly. Life is very different in the non monogamous, FWB area. It is looked upon as not normal by some. It may be that you have reservations about this lifestyle because of your upbringing or previous relationships. Openness and honesty are paramount. Everything is upfront and out there before committing to a FWB relationship. If he has be upfront, open and honest he is playing by the rules. If he starts to head fuck you about then dump immediately.

TheNaze73 Thu 01-Jun-17 11:30:27

You can only can with your gut instinct here. Between my divorce & meeting my current partner, I had 4 years of FWB & it was exactly what I wanted. Was clear from day 1, so there was no ambiguity.

If you feel uncertain or unsure on anything OP, you have every right to ask what you want

nostrings1 Thu 01-Jun-17 11:36:38

Thanks for the replies, I intend to slow things down a bit as it has been quite intense, mainly his initiation but I have happily gone along with it.

I know he is very into me, but not sure if its all just physical. Although there have been moments of intimacy which has made me think a bit. I am going to be honest with him and talk it through without fear.

I will not be in any relationships with anyone, in any form going forward and feel i can't be honest. That is a big thing to change. It wasn't in my previous relationship I was being dishonest, just that I wasn't able to express my true feelings for fear of the implications.

I guess its all a process, and this will be a learning curve and a lot of fun if nothing else ;)

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