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The fucking men in my life

(24 Posts)
WalkingInMyShoes Wed 31-May-17 23:48:23

I've NC to an old username.

I have never had a healthy relationship with a man.

My dad - emotionally stunted after being physically and emotionally abused by his own father. I spent decades trying unsuccessfully to win his affection and although I know he was proud of me deep down he hid it well. He died 5 years ago and we only really made peace when he was terminally ill.
My godfather - made a pass at me when I was 12. Then again when I was 21.
Boyfriend 1 - a manipulative, lying, emotionally abusive shit. Caused arguments if we were supposed to meet so he could go out on the pull with his mates. If he didn't pull he'd be back the next day full of apologies, if he did he'd dump me until he got dumped then tell me he'd dumped them because they "weren't me". This cycle continued 6 times before I saw the light.
Boyfriend 2 - mummy's boy. I came bottom of the priority list behind his mum, football, his car, his friends, his sister, his dad, his job, his playstation, etc etc. 6 months after he dumped me to move back in with his mum he started messaging me again acting as if I had dumped him!
Fiance 1 - I don't even know why I agreed to marry him, but I realised after one argument that he was abusive and dumped him because he was about to hit me. He stalked me for ages after until I moved away from the area.
Fling - had sex with me knowing my drink had been spiked by his friend. Thought it was funny.
STBXH - a narcissist. Nope, not home psychology, he really is. Only it took him cheating on me for me to find out just how fucking creepy he is. Admitted to stalking me before we got together and I think he still is. Not paranoia, things he has told me he knows about my home which he wouldn't know unless he has been here.
My closest friend atm - a misogynistic homophobic racist who comments on my body as if it is there as an ornament every time we meet. But I can't ditch him because I've known him forever and in between the vile comments has always been there for me and now needs me to be there for him due to illness in his family.

I am having counselling at the moment and I looking back over my relationships with the men who have been in my life I feel so angry. I have been used and abused. Men that were supposed to look out for me and they ALL let me down in one way or another. Lots of bad choices on my part - in my defence, my bar was low. I'm 45 now. I don't want to be on my own forever but I just don't trust my own judgement anymore. And you know what, I don't deserve to have gone through this, I'm not a needy person. I just don't think I've ever come across a decent guy.

Sorry for the rant, I really needed to get that off my chest after the realisation of this in my counselling session!

Anothernewnn Thu 01-Jun-17 00:10:36

God, I could have written your post OP. Years of therapy and coming out the other side of crappy relationships later I'm not much the wiser but am happier in myself (without a man) than I have ever been.

Anothernewnn Thu 01-Jun-17 00:13:51

One so called wise man in my life (who later fucking sexually assaulted me) told me that it was easier to love a woman who had a good relationship with her father. "Damaged" women were doomed he said.

Sadly this message stayed for many years until I eventually saw him for the ea cunt he was.

Sorry, don't mean to derail your thread. Just that it struck many chords.

WalkingInMyShoes Thu 01-Jun-17 00:14:27

Thanks for your post Another I am a different person now, more cynical, guarded and yes, happier on my own. I've not lived on my own before but actually like it now.

WalkingInMyShoes Thu 01-Jun-17 00:16:06

And I am sorry you have a similar story, hope you are ok flowers

Tiredbutnotyetretired Thu 01-Jun-17 00:19:03

I could have written a very very similar post, ive had councilling and tbh we pinpointed the relationships with my female role models was the problem for me, ie watching my mother tolerate abuse

Anothernewnn Thu 01-Jun-17 00:20:20

Totally empathise with all that you say. I don't think it's so much not meeting good men as the attraction to shitty men as a result of your "blueprint" is more powerful.

I absolutely believe that there are good men and relationships out there. But you have to be able to recognise them first

noego Thu 01-Jun-17 08:00:54

Sometimes we have to taste the bitter to taste the sweet. Hopefully your bad days are behind you and you can move on. Therapy will help and once you are your own person again you will.

WalkingInMyShoes Thu 01-Jun-17 09:09:29

I'm starting to move on. Counselling is helping. I can't believe I've spent my entire life so blind to what I've put up with!

noego Thu 01-Jun-17 10:14:11

Unfortunately when we are in certain situations we do not always see them for what they are. Especially when we are children and we are sub consciously being programmed and conditioned. It is only when we have left those situations and look back on them that we realise the damage that has been caused.
The only way to look upon them is to see them as a life lesson, learn from them and don't ever, ever fall into the trap again and make the same mistake smile

WalkingInMyShoes Thu 01-Jun-17 12:56:15

Thanks noego your words make sense.

It's making me so angry at the moment and I don't want to be an angry person. But there are so many posts on here about shitty men and I sometimes wonder if it's "not me but you"!

PedaloBar Thu 01-Jun-17 13:03:57

I think part of your healing should be to stand up to your friend. Tell him to cut out the unwanted comments.

If he won't, then he's the one choosing to push you away. Make the start by stopping tolerating shitty comments.

WalkingInMyShoes Thu 01-Jun-17 22:38:39

I saw your comment earlier Pedalo and have been thinking about it all day. You're right, I do need to stand up for myself with him and the last time he made a comment it was on the tip of my tongue to respond but I didn't. I really need to work on that because if I don't then I'm just going to continue in the same way aren't I?

JK1773 Thu 01-Jun-17 23:09:11

Yes OP Pedalo is absolutely right. That will really help you in starting to take control back. My DF had his moments of being abusive when I was growing up (although he had his own reasons that I didn't understand at the time and I love him totally), my first BF cheated, second BF stalked me and was hideously abusive, last BF was an emotionally retarded fuckwit who I believe still follows me and ruined my chances of DC, my male relative abused me. My sister(!) threatens to disclose this abuse by family member despite me begging her not to (she holds this over me all of my adult life as a threat). People, not just men, can be shit! I started again at 40. Went NC with anyone that had abused or threatened me. It was hard but now I'm 42, happy, independent, 7 months into a relaxed and healthy relationship. Stand up to him, don't put up with it and if you lose his friendship he was never a friend anyway. Be strong flowers

WalkingInMyShoes Thu 01-Jun-17 23:52:19

JK you are right, I'm actually NC with my sister because of her shitty behaviour towards me. God, I have got a lot of thinking to do. It's not just about the men in my life now I'm going there. Fucking hell, I'm just a shit behaviour magnet really hmm

DancingGoose Fri 02-Jun-17 00:37:58

My relationships have been similar to yours OP.

I have always found it really hard to be assertive or confront crappy behaviour with certain people. I think it's usually people who I can somehow sense won't be able to take it and there will be a massive fallout like a row or they will leave. So I tend to become passive and lose myself to keep the peace (and hold on to the relationship). This results in a lack of confidence/doubting myself and a lot of fear, hurt and brewing anger. Once I reach my limit I find it very hard to want to rebuild the relationship at all and all my resentment comes flooding out. It's like I lose all my tolerance instantly.

Unfortunately I seem to be attracted to men who fit exactly into this pattern and I don't know how to get break it 😐

JK1773 Fri 02-Jun-17 06:47:48

Yes that's it Goose. I was always putting up with shitty behaviour to keep the peace. My DSis used to threaten me with revealing my abuse despite me not wanting that, be vile about other people who I love and then tell me I should be more like her! She will reveal the abuse one day, I've no doubt whatsoever. Her bitterness and hatred for me grows by the day as far as I know. I made a conscious decision that actually I can't do anything about her and what will be will be. I just stay NC with her. I think that in itself has shocked her. I don't care, I feel a weight lifted. I feel in a healthier emotional place now without the stress of her. OP confront your friend, start there

WalkingInMyShoes Tue 13-Jun-17 23:36:56

I'm just bumping this thread following a counselling session today where I realised that my low bar with men may have stemmed from a different source - my "best friend" and biggest influence growing up - my sister. A lot of digging and tears got me to realise that she was actually a toxic manipulative bully and dug at my self-esteem and self-worth for years before I even begun thinking about boys.

Relationships are complicated aren't they? Today I have found a photo of little me. I have promised her that I will do better in future, she didn't deserve what happened and I will become the person now that she thought she was going to be then, in her innocence and naivety. She was an unassuming kid who didn't deserve bad things to happen, and I hope in the coming weeks I will be able to replace "she" with "I".

sammidanis Wed 14-Jun-17 00:02:10

I'd recommend looking into depth psychology OP... whywesuffer.com is a good site for this.

Havalina Wed 14-Jun-17 00:05:49

Rapidly coming to the same conclusion. Its really frigging depressing

Havalina Wed 14-Jun-17 00:11:26

Even down to the abusive sister, she has been evil to me some times (officially diagnosed with a personality disorder).

Relationships ARE complicated, think I had a simplistic view of humans and how relationships play out until I left my emotionally abusive, controlling ex.

Who perversely is one of the only people I can actually rely on now (not together).

I don't know about you, but I know I have good gut instincts most of the time. I need the self esteem and assertiveness to trust those instincts and act on them. Rather than trying to empathise and make excuses flowers

Havalina Wed 14-Jun-17 00:18:58

Dancinggoose, Im beginning to suspect that it's not you that is bizarrelly attracted to this character type, rather that it is pretty common and and some men just hide it better sad

WalkingInMyShoes Wed 14-Jun-17 00:23:42

Thank you for your replies. I'm struggling tonight. Havalina I think my sister and STBXH both have personality disorders. I think the reason STBXH won me over was because of the familiar pattern from my sister.
Sammidanis thank you, I will look into this.

What a fucked up mess.

Ava7Susan Mon 14-Aug-17 01:24:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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