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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Abandoned

87 replies

lonelybutmarried · 31/05/2017 22:05

Hi

Please help me, I think you might all say ltb but it's not that easy.

My DH has a history of becoming sulky and verbally unpleasant if we don't have sex on a regular basis - he would like it every night and it starts to become a problem if we go 3 or 4 nights without. This has been a constant in our relationship, he likens it to PMT and in fairness I've read other threads where people have agreed they get fed up if they dont have sex. However, this is an issue no matter what my circumstances are - for example after having the DC, being stressed etc.

Also I think he likes to be the focus of my attention, so if I am stressed about something or I am focused too much on someone else I don't think he likes it.

We are currently moving house. This is a massive financial commitment and as I am more cautious in this respect I'm feeling a bit anxious. At the same time my mother is dying from lung cancer - literally. He also wants to commit to a business opportunity.

I went to visit my mother last night. We hadn't had sex for 3 days prior to this. He more or less threw it in my face before I left.

I asked him to put the business opportunity on hold as too much is happening at once. He told me he couldn't stand the way I interfered.

This morning he went to work and said he'd check in through the day about my mum. He didn't. He's also not come home. I only found out when I called him just now. He says he hates me just now and needs space. Told me to concentrate on my mum. I can't though because of what he is doing.

I'm rambling I know. I don't know where to begin. I feel broken in so many ways. I'm losing my mum and my DH is threatening to leave me.

OP posts:

Report

Shoxfordian · 31/05/2017 22:12

Honestly let him go and I think most of your stress will go with him.

Sulking because you don't get sex is not acceptable. Why do I see it so much on here?!

Focus on your mother and see if you can pull out of the house sale.

Squirmy65ghyg · 31/05/2017 22:16

Tell him to FUCK off. You're going through enormous stress and he's a selfish bastard.

Squirmy65ghyg · 31/05/2017 22:17

Don't move house, go see your mum, he needs to get lost. You'll be much happier without him.

lonelybutmarried · 31/05/2017 22:20

Thank you. This is how I feel but apparently I'm not appreciating his needs which are as great as mine. He is also cross because he feels I don't trust him enough from a business point of view.

I probably haven't been as patient and kind as I would be normally but i know I'd make allowances for him under the circumstances - is that reasonable or am i expecting too much?

OP posts:

JK1773 · 31/05/2017 22:20

Oh my god that's awful!!! Please just concentrate on your poor mum. Nothing else right now. Tell him to get lost. You don't have time or energy to be putting up with his moronic trantrums or moving house right now! As IF you'd want sex with it.

lonelybutmarried · 31/05/2017 22:21

I can't though, I'm tearful and a mess and he knows this, I can't let my mum see me like this. He can make it ok but he won't.

OP posts:

Squirmy65ghyg · 31/05/2017 22:24

You're reasonable. He's an utter shit.

In a partnership, people look out for each other. In yours, he is all me, me, me.

I've been there. 2 days after my grandfather died dick head exh went into a massive horrible sulky mood over nothing. I am now divorced and life is great. My child is happy. My partner treats us both with respect and is supportive and kind. He does everything when I need him to.

Squirmy65ghyg · 31/05/2017 22:24

*drops

Though also does!

Squirmy65ghyg · 31/05/2017 22:26

It's so hard. Life will improve once he's out of it. I promise. When are you next due to see your mum?

PedaloBar · 31/05/2017 22:26

Oh come on, he's playing you. The 'business opportunity' is a joke - just no. Not now, wildly inappropriate.

lonelybutmarried · 31/05/2017 22:30

Thank you so much for your messages. I'm due to see her at the weekend but I'm worried she'll know something is wrong. She thinks we are perfect and I can't possibly let her know the truth before she dies. I need to be brace for her but I'm struggling

OP posts:

lonelybutmarried · 31/05/2017 22:31

I asked him to choose either the house move or the business opportunity, don't feel I can cope with both on top of everything else.

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category12 · 31/05/2017 22:32

Tbh I wouldn't trust him about the business opportunity - it feels like he's pressing you on this at a time where you can't possibly pay attention to the ins and outs.

Also he's a fucking sexually coercive bully and you should leave him.

Much to you regarding your mum.

If he was a decent person, he would be supporting you and looking after you. he's not, he's just piling it on.

lonelybutmarried · 31/05/2017 22:34

He says I should keep out of the business thing completely.

It looks like he might have left me anyway. He is staying in our flat - I only found out when I rang him and he says he hates me

OP posts:

category12 · 31/05/2017 22:35

TBH, put everything on hold, don't go through with any of it.

Tell him to back off right now and get yourself some independent advice on the quiet.

And look aftre yourself and your mum.

category12 · 31/05/2017 22:36

Get financial advice tomorrow and protect yourself.

Squirmy65ghyg · 31/05/2017 22:37

People close to us are sometimes more aware of things than they let on.

Do you have kids OP?

I'd be tempted to go no contact with him, see your mum, stay in a b and b if that's what it takes. You won't get any emotional support from him and he is making things a lot worse.

lonelybutmarried · 31/05/2017 22:41

Thank you

Yes, we have 3 young children.

I literally think he can't cope that he isn't my focus right now. also if I ever step it of line and behave badly (as surely we all do from time to time? - snap a bit etc) he comes down on me like a tonne of bricks.

OP posts:

lonelybutmarried · 31/05/2017 22:42

*out of line

OP posts:

Squirmy65ghyg · 31/05/2017 22:46

He has "high standards"? Funny how they only apply to you, not to him. And if you call him on it, there's always excuses why you have to do x but he can do y.

He's left you to look after 3 kids while you're going through a horrific time. He's bothering you about trivia (business) and sulking about sex.

Leave him. Seriously.

lonelybutmarried · 31/05/2017 22:49

Squirmy you have summarised it perfectly. We are probably both a bit stressed just now to be honest but it would seem his needs are more important.

Yes, he hasn't come home and has left me to deal with the children.

OP posts:

category12 · 31/05/2017 22:49

You know that's not normal or healthy?

He's controlling. He's emotionally abusive.

The final straw for me with my ex, was when, when I was struggling with my parent's terminal illness, he told me to visit them less.

We all deserve someone who treats us well and looks after us in times of trouble. He throws a strop, pressures you for sex and financial decisions and fucks off for the night to frighten you into submission.

You're stronger than you think you are. Fuck him off.

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lonelybutmarried · 31/05/2017 22:51

Blimey category, that's awful.

In fairness to him he's told me to focus on my mum and to leave the business to him, but the way he phrased it was more 'don't worry your pretty little head about it'

OP posts:

MissSmiley · 31/05/2017 22:52

I hate to say this but is he at your flat alone? Could he be seeing someone else?

Squirmy65ghyg · 31/05/2017 22:52

There will always be more things that you "can't" do right. I "couldn't" drive. Guess who passed their test? These men are like hoovers. They drain you.

He's awful OP. Am so sorry. Do you have a friend you could confide in?

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