Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My DH has apparently offended my family.

(63 Posts)
Ladybabyblues Wed 31-May-17 12:48:49

Hello all,

I have never posted in Relationships before but I don't think if there's anywhere else that would fit.

Basically I had a baby 8 months ago. I had an aunt and a female cousin who live 150km away who happened to be in the vicinity on holiday at the time. They wanted to drop off presents for the baby.

That would have been quite normal except it was Day 3 and I had crushing baby blues that day. I was bawling, very low, wanted to jump out the window basically. Couldn't face the visit as I knew they'd stay ages. Had my tit out the whole time, bleeding all over the place you know the score. Felt disgusting and low and desperately tearful.

My DH really really didn't want them to come. I felt like I couldn't put them off as they had presents and were literally on their way back home that afternoon. But in desperation I texted and said "I have terrible baby blues and am having a hard day so I might not be the best company '. They were undeterred. DH thought it was the height of ignorance and was pretty pissed off.

I was wobbly but held it together and made small talk. At least I think so, I can't remember that much about it. DH seemed fine. Not effusive, but polite. He didn't sit down with us but that's cos he was busy with our toddler. I suppose he may have been a bit stiff perhaps?

I found out today that the cousin has been saying my DH made them feel very unwelcome.

I am devastated. So I texted her and said I had heard she was upset after coming to see me. I was so so very sorry but I wanted to jump out the window that day and DH was desperately worried about me. I'm so sorry if you or your Mum were offended by either of us and I hope I can make it up to you some day.

She replied: Nothing to feel sorry about Hun. Just got the impression that X didn't want us there.

Her reply has upset me even more tbh. It's like she ignored all the baby blues stuff and wants to demonise my DH, who to be frank is the only one who has actually helped me day in day out.

Do I reply? I'm so upset on DHs behalf. He was probably stand offish but FFS I explained the context!!! So I want to defend him. But is there any point?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 31-May-17 12:50:59

There's no point. They are silly. My DH would have tipped any day 3 visitors out of the window, so they were lucky!

disastrouslee Wed 31-May-17 12:54:24

Well she got the right imoression. Your DH quite rightly didnt want them there and they were ignorant to expect you to get out the red carpet.

I'm not one for blanket-banning visitors post birth but this sounds like you were genuinely having a rough time.

Dont give it another thought. They're the ones who need to get over themselves.

RebornSlippy Wed 31-May-17 12:58:33

Has she children of her own?

"You're right, he didn't, but not beacuse of you personally you understand, just for the reasons explained! I'm sure you remember what it's like only 3 days after giving birth. Anyway, glad we cleared the air. Thanks again for the presents and looking forward to seeing you soon under better circumstances!"

Ladybabyblues Wed 31-May-17 12:58:36

I'm gutted because of the extreme unfairness of it.

I have zero family support. We were always close growing up. Bridesmaids etc. And this only came up because I was saying to someone who saw Cousin last week how I was expecting more contact (even via text) than I have had because she's a mother too. And they paused and said this was probably the reason, cos they weren't made to feel welcome.

It's so unfair! It was like she was punishing me for his coolness.

Inkypink0 Wed 31-May-17 13:03:04

I'd text back and say 'yeah your probably right, like I said he was very worried about me. I should have just been upfront and cancelled but you seemed so determined.

And leave it at that.

I honestly don't know what get in to folk sometimes when babies are born.

Ladybabyblues Wed 31-May-17 13:05:01

And I just want to give her an almighty kick up the arse and tell her that I have had NOBODY but him since my parents died, that he's been the best pal I've ever had, that she can fuck off with her judginess and that where the fuck was she when I was drowning??

(Sorry I know this is V small cheese compared to some threads on here but I am feeling v alone right now)

FacelikeaBagofHammers Wed 31-May-17 13:07:23

They were so rude coming to visit in the first place! I wouldn't bother replying to be honest, or if you were, then I'd just say "yes I would have preferred if you had visited another time as I mentioned before, we were struggling with a 3 day old and I had bad post natal depression, maybe you remember how tough those early days were"

Some people think they have a God given right to drop in on new parents.

thatstoast Wed 31-May-17 13:09:57

I think you're the ones who should be offended not them. They were really rude and selfish to impose on you in that way.

Inkypink0 Wed 31-May-17 13:11:20

Text her back then and tell her. Since having my third child I honestly don't care if I upset people by speaking my truth grin

Aquamarine1029 Wed 31-May-17 13:12:30

Oh PLEASE. Your cousin was TOLD not to come as you, VERY understandably, were not up to a visit. With total disregard for you, she came anyway. Your husband was a wreck worried about you, he's chasing a toddler, there's a newborn in the house, you're a mess, and she wonders why your husband didn't roll out the red carpet for Her Majesty??

And now, months later, and obviously holding a grudge over nothing, she has the audacity to make a big fucking deal about it?? YOU are the one who should be offended. This cousin of yours is a Grade A Jackass. The world doesn't stop for her and she falls to pieces. I would bet my life this is not the first drama bullshit you've dealt with from her. Honestly, don't grovel to this horrid woman for one more second. You have nothing to apologize for and neither does your husband!

Hulder Wed 31-May-17 13:13:15

Reply with Inkypink's response.

Your family have offended you!

FrogsLegs31 Wed 31-May-17 13:15:25

Defend your DH all the way, he had your back and is your real family.

Well done you too for trying to be assertive even in a desperate time x

Naicehamshop Wed 31-May-17 13:16:43

I understand why you are upset, but I would honestly just let it go for now. Talking to them about it when you are exhausted like this is just going to create more problems.
Give it a few weeks and then contact them when things are a bit less stressed.

Sparkletastic Wed 31-May-17 13:17:06

I'd have to make a rather direct response about how DH was thinking of you, as he always does, and that in hindsight you should have been firmer about it not being a day for visitors.

PuppyMonkey Wed 31-May-17 13:21:50

Text back: "yeah, I think DH was just looking out for me and a bit surprised that you insisted on the visit despite being told I wasn't up to it. Take care Hun. Xx"

mylaptopismylapdog Wed 31-May-17 13:24:38

They were definitely way out of order but my other thought is that your cousin could be jealous and this is a way to make all about her. Sounds like you have a devoted husband and two lovely little ones, hope the blues have gone. Leave her to fester over her grudges.

Ladybabyblues Wed 31-May-17 13:26:00

Yeah I don't even know what to say tbh. I don't want to pour petrol on it. I don't want to be thsr person who says she doesn't want drama....and then pen back a dramatic passive aggressive text.

And knowing her she'd just have more excuse to act offended.

Am I petty for wanting her to realise she's supposed to feel sorry for me? But I can't think of any way of getting that to happen so I suppose I'll just have to not answer at all. sad

BadTasteFlump Wed 31-May-17 13:26:22

I'd text back and say 'yeah your probably right, like I said he was very worried about me. I should have just been upfront and cancelled but you seemed so determined

I like that reply.

What does the stupid woman want? Tell her to jog on. Your DH sounds like a diamond - back him 100% and screw this silly woman.

WorldsacpeLove Wed 31-May-17 13:27:54

"yeah your probably right, like I said he was very worried about me. I should have just been upfront and cancelled but you seemed so determined"

to

"yeah your probably right, like I said he was very worried about me. I should have just been upfront and cancelled but you were so pushy"

FizzyGreenWater Wed 31-May-17 13:28:49

'Well to be fair you should really have got that impression from my text telling you I wasn't up to it, but you came anyway. Never mind Hun, don't beat yourselves up.'

BlackAmericanoNoSugar Wed 31-May-17 13:31:02

"His attention was focused on me and the children, because he's an amazing Dad and husband. I don't expect you to understand how difficult the first few days are until you've had a baby of your own. In the meantime, stop bitching about him, you're making yourself look like you lack empathy."

jamrock Wed 31-May-17 13:31:12

MY DH did kick my BF husband (now ex - a total dick) out when DS was 3 days old. They turned up unannounced and I was in a right state and then he just sat himself down and wanted a coffee. DH literally booted him out and let BF stay 20 mins before she too was sent packing. Who is she moaning to that is feeding this bullshit back to you - tell them you'd rather not know - what good does this back biting and gossiping do anyone let alone a new mum.

Congrats on the baby.

Leilaniii Wed 31-May-17 13:31:29

I can see why their feelings were hurt, particularly as they had turned up with presents. Sure it's hard when you've got a new baby, but your DH could have at least pretended to be pleased to see them and make them feel welcome.

I think it's a bit rude of him, tbh.

Inkypink0 Wed 31-May-17 13:32:33

You could put ..

'Hang on, I'd just had a baby and wanted to chuck my self out of window, you should have been sympathetic with me. Maybe that's why dh was a bit off'

It's not creating drama putting your point across

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now