Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Girlfriend slept with best friend before we got together...but not that simple

(40 Posts)
ShaunMaloney Wed 31-May-17 12:35:36


I'll try to keep this brief, but as the title says I have just found out my GF has slept with one of my best-friends before we started going out.

I know, that what happened before we were going out was in the past - and we all have a past but I feel this is slightly different.

To add some context - me and my GF got really close around a year ago. Admitting our feelings for eachother, talking about moving things further - and nothing physical happened. However I wanted to travel and it was the perfect opportunity, so I did for around 8 months. We left it on good terms and kept in touch regularly.

For my birthday, she sent me a card (I was in Melbourne, her in England) saying how much she missed me and she still loved me.

1 week after this she slept with my best friend.

Now moving to the present day, yesterday I found out that she had slept with my best friend. All of my other friends knew but somehow nobody told me. As soon as she realised I didn't know, she did tell me as it came up in conversion (the best friend she slept with is living in NZ now) with one of my other friends who realised she didn't know that I was not aware of it.

To say this came as a shock is an understatement and I really don't know what to do our feel.

I think 2 things bother me here.

1) Obviously, not knowing when all my other friends did hurts.

2) The fact she was saying how much she missed me then sleeps with one of my best friends just doesn't sit well with me.


As this recently happened, I am aware that I may not be thinking rationally. But am I right to feel annoyed and what should I do?

I don't think this should be a deal breaker (it was before we got together after all) but I feel there has been an element of trust lost.

Thanks for any advice,


XxStefxX Wed 31-May-17 12:39:05

No trust lost, you weren't together and she told you when she realised you didn't know. By the sounds of it your gonna hold this against her and she doesn't deserve it. Id leave the relationship there and let her find someone who will start a fresh and FAIR relationship.

RebornSlippy Wed 31-May-17 12:41:48


Did you sleep with other people during this period? Ask yourself, if it's the fact that she slept with your friend or the fact that she slept with anyone?

I can understand the feelings you have. I would't like to think of my partner sleeping with my friends. However, I'm also think that you cannot judge someone on things they've done before you were even together. Whether it was an unwritten rule you were going to get together eventually. Fact of the matter is that you weren't together. Something that struck me is that perhaps she got close to your friend due to wanting to be close to you. Stranger things have happened at sea...

None of this is ideal, I get that. However, if you want to make things work with your GF, you need to let it go. If you continue to ruminate on this and, in turn, bring it up with your GF, you will lose.

superking Wed 31-May-17 12:42:45

I think that the reasons why it bothers you are perfectly valid ones and it would be understandable if you didn't want to continue the relationship.

She hasn't necessarily done anything "wrong", but in your shoes it would make me feel very uncomfortable and unhappy.

noego Wed 31-May-17 12:47:56

2For my birthday, she sent me a card (I was in Melbourne, her in England) saying how much she missed me and she still loved me."

SO if you were an item before you started travelling although nothing physical happened did you understand that the relationship was on?

If you did, then what she did is tantamount to betrayal and secondly, why didn't she tell you about it when you got together? Once again tantamount to betrayal or dishonesty. She has disrespected you.

You are the only one that can decide as only you are aware of all the facts, timings, conversations etc.

Pinkheart5917 Wed 31-May-17 12:50:16

I'm not seeing the problem tbh, she had sex with someone when you weren't a couple? So no issue, becuase she was a free agent

Your gf didn't lie, as soon as she realised you didn't know she told you.

Your gf has done nothing wrong here

timeisnotaline Wed 31-May-17 12:52:28

You sound quite young?

Trollspoopglitter Wed 31-May-17 12:54:57

I'm sure telling her you had strong feelings for her and leaving for 8 months eighth after was a head fuck for her. Was she meant to wait around for you? Date other people? Well, she did date other people.

Why aren't you upset with you best buddy? Didn't he owe you more loyalty?

ShaunMaloney Wed 31-May-17 12:55:03

I think it's definitely the fact that its one of my best friends that bothers me. I don't want this to affect the friendship with him or my GF. But there is a sinking feeling in my stomach that I can't explain.

I am hearing what you guys are saying and appreciate the responses.

I think I will feel less bothered by this in time, as with everything. But it did come as a shock and I really didn't expect it.

PlymouthMaid1 Wed 31-May-17 12:58:04

it is entirely up to you if this ruins things between you. If you cannot move past it (and I don't think she really did anything wrong from what you have said) then you must let her go. To hold it against her (even if only in your head would be unfair and undeserved).

CommonSenseIsNotAllThatCommon Wed 31-May-17 13:05:42

Shaun if you have used your real name you might want to namechange and get MN to remove any references to it. Certain gutter newspapers like to trawl MN looking for stories.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Wed 31-May-17 13:15:53

I think it's definitely the fact that its one of my best friends that bothers me

I can understand that. It feels a bit "close to home" doesn't it. There's almost an unwritten rule that mates don't have sex with people they know their friends have feelings for or have dated unless given the OK to do so. Also the timing of your GF's "miss you and love you" note doesn't help. They haven't done anything "wrong" per se, but I can see why it doesn't feel "right".

mumofthemonsters808 Wed 31-May-17 13:22:54

Id move on Shaun, there's plenty of females in this life who have not done the deed with your best mate.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 31-May-17 13:22:59

Honestly, you're acting like a little boy. They had sex. Big deal. Why are you making it one? You and your girlfriend were not a couple. She was a free agent, as were you. I'm sure your girlfriend and your friend are fine with what happened with no awkwardness because they're ADULTS. The only one making it awkward is you. If you can't get over yourself then end it and let her find a real man who won't hold something that wasn't even wrong over her head.

TheNaze73 Wed 31-May-17 13:23:30

I think your friend is at fault here, not her. He's a weasel for having a go, whilst knowing you were interested. He's no friend

RebornSlippy Wed 31-May-17 13:24:25

I'll ask again, Shaun. Did you sleep with other people during this period?

ChicRock Wed 31-May-17 13:27:21

She knew he was your best friend, and he knew you had feeling for her?

Ditch them both, neither of them has any class.

ShMalo Wed 31-May-17 13:35:07


I slept with other people around 5 months into my travels - whereby I did not keep in close contact with her.

I know she may have expected me to sleep with more people and quicker, & I thought the same of her. Free agent, not together, live in the moment etc.

It comes back to it being my best friend, but again I only found out yesterday so it's a bit sensitive and surely won't be an issue down the line.

Thanks for the responses again.

iffikitty Wed 31-May-17 13:36:55

I'll ask too Reborn. Did you have sex with other people whilst travelling?

Is it just because it's one of your best friends?

Will you dump him if you decide to dump her?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Wed 31-May-17 13:38:16

Did you sleep with other people during this same time period? Third time this has been brought up...

iffikitty Wed 31-May-17 13:39:17

In view of your latest post OP, I think you're being unreasonable.

Refilona Wed 31-May-17 13:43:43

You're being unreasonable. You were sleeping with other people. She is faithful to you now that you are in a relationship. Let it go, forget about it.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge Wed 31-May-17 13:44:11

Of course it would make you feel weird.
I think I'd feel a bit odd if I found out my OH had slept with my BF, it's perfectly natural to feel that way. But.....this is your issue and you will have to get over it if you want a healthy relationship. She slept with him, she didn't do anything wrong so there's no blame to be apportioned. You are going to have to shake it off or it'll eat you up. She's with you, it was always you she wanted anyway.

Toffeelatteplease Wed 31-May-17 13:47:13

Girlfriend slept with best friend before we got together...but not that simple

Really is that simple.

You can have casual sex and still miss someone else.

You were not together yet.

You need to get over this or break it off. It's your problem. Don't make it hers. That would be truly make you a git.

ShMalo Wed 31-May-17 13:48:52


Thanks for this response. Not as judgemental as some of the other posts seem to be...

I think this has been answered now and of course I'll get over it. She was honest and upfront in telling me and this would be a silly thing to end a relationship over.

Appreciate the other responses, have a good day!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: