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Long term plans

(7 Posts)
namechangegal Wed 31-May-17 10:14:06

Interested in your ideas as to how long it's possible to keep a relationship going for without living together. I've 40, a single parent and have got four children ranging from four to thirteen, he's 50 and a single dad to four children aged 10 to 16. My children have had huge amounts of disruption over the last three years and it's vital to me that the eldest have stability in our home while they finish school. He is unwilling to leave his home until his children are adults as he has lived there for 30 years.

He is a lovely man and could make life fun and very happy on a day to day basis but I'm concerned about allowing myself to care for someone where there can be no real plans to live together for the next eight years or more, by which time I'd be nearly 50. I don't want to spend all of my 40s living alone. Has anyone managed to keep a relationship going with two separate households for this length of time?

TheNaze73 Wed 31-May-17 10:18:11

I think the first thing you need to get your head around is why is it so important to you? Is it that important or because society kind of dictates it? If it is that important, more important than the strength of what you have, then you need to end it. He does sound like a good egg & he's doing all the right things around his children, just like yourself.
Hope you find a way forward

jeaux90 Wed 31-May-17 10:32:14

I'm similar OP and I love it. I get the best of both worlds. Time to focus on my child and career and time with him a couple of nights a week etc

What naze said. Don't let the social norms set your expectations. If in reality you are happy with this for now then why force the issue.

My situation will remain this way for another 5 years if we continue and I'm happy with it!

namechangegal Wed 31-May-17 12:43:10

I am happy for now but know that deep down I want more. I want to go to sleep and wake up with someone special on a daily basis in the next few years, not in eight plus years

RebornSlippy Wed 31-May-17 12:47:12

And yet, if you let him go, there are no guarantees you'll meet anyone special in the time frame you've set yourself, OP.

To me, this sounds pretty much ideal. Although I accept it might not be 'the norm'. Do you spend any overnights in eachother's homes?

sunglow Wed 31-May-17 12:54:00

DH and I only moved in together after 5 years of dating and I think that worked well for us. I quite liked having the freedom of having my own place and there were various practical/financial reasons that it was the best option for us. I think things could get complicated in your situation as there are so many dc involved so it would be sensible to live separately until the dc are older. Would it even be practical to buy/rent a property large enough for you all? I think it is fair enough for him not to want to uproot his dc as well, especially if it would mean changing schools. Socially it doesn't seem to be the norm though although we live in an area with high house prices and many couples move in together very quickly just to save on rent rather than it being a reflection of their commitment.

noego Wed 31-May-17 13:02:10

I know a couple that have been living in their respective homes for 25 years they are still madly in love with each other. I personally don't see the problem. Living separately is brilliant.

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