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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How bad is it? And what can I do?

149 replies

GizzyTiedToATree · 31/05/2017 08:22

Posting from work as I suspect DH to have installed a keylogger at home. It means that I don't know when I will be able to come back.

I have been with DH for 13 years, married for 9, 3DCs aged 10, 7 and 4.

DH is sulking. Again. This time, it is because on Sunday, when he was lecturing DS about his Minecraft use, he said "you have a problem, just like Mum has a problem - she goes directly from a computer screen to a book". I asked him if I wasn't allowed to read books now. He hasn't spoken to me since.
He sulks, sometimes for weeks at a time. Here are a few examples of things that have set him off in the past and that I find myself avoiding :

going on Mumsnet
going on the internet in general
wearing a knee-length skirt at work
wearing lipstick
being in the staff room at work (I am a teacher)
watching a film with Richard Armitage
saying hello to a male acquaintance
coming back from work at 12:35 instead of 12:30

He constantly slags me off to the DC ("you never finish things, like your mother" / "you never admit you're wrong, like your mother"), tells them I don't do anything around the house (I do about 90% of housework, childcare and cooking), that I spend all the family's money, that I am selfish, that he wishes he had not married me. He even made references to my "mileage" in front of them (he resents the fact that I was not a virgin when we met. I was 23 and I had had sex three times).

I find it hard to convey how ground down I feel. I try to talk to him, but either he stonewalls me like now, or he tells me that everything is my fault.
I would like to hear that he can change, but I am starting to realise that I cannot make him change.
Apart from LTB, is there anything I can do on a day-to-day basis?

OP posts:

Report

SparklyMagpie · 31/05/2017 08:24

Get your ducks in a row and then LTB

You and the children deserve bettee OP

kingfishergreen · 31/05/2017 08:26

You are an educated woman, you work and are raising three kids in difficult circumstances. Trust me, HE is your problem, and you life would be better without him.

twoheaped · 31/05/2017 08:27

I'm with sparkly on this one.

Life's too short to be treated like shit.

Neolara · 31/05/2017 08:27

He sounds horrible. It must be soul destroying. I'm sorry. I tend to think people like that don't change.

Nevergrowingold · 31/05/2017 08:30

To answer your question, that's pretty bad.

I think if you told him you wanted out and meant it, he would be grovelling and saying he'd change.

GizzyTiedToATree · 31/05/2017 08:31

I think I still want him to admit he is treating me like shit. But my brain knows he won't.

I know it is going to sound really stupid but for over a year I convinced myself that he must have been diagnosed with a terminal disease and that he was being horrible so that I wouldn't regret him.

I wonder if he wants me to be the one to end the relationship so that he can say everything is my fault.

OP posts:

Stuck16 · 31/05/2017 08:31

If you know he won't change and the way he is grinds you down why are trying to find a way to make it work?
You should be able to do whatever and wear whatever you want without him sulking about it. He certainly shouldn't be putting you down in front of the kids or berating them like that either.

He's emotionally controlling you by making you change your behaviour to avoid him sulking. Life's too short, it's not worth wasting time hoping for the best when you've already admitted he won't change

JeffJarrett · 31/05/2017 08:32

Why on earth would you want to make him change? He sounds like a petty bully who has absolutely zero redeeming qualities. And he sounds like he's starting to batter your DC's self esteem too now he's worn yours down, none of you deserve to live like this.

He sounds similar to my ex P, only worse. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did.

RandomMess · 31/05/2017 08:32

He is majorly abusing you and damaging the DC.

LTB

Are you the primary carer? Please speak to WA.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/05/2017 08:33

Well if you already use MN then you know the only amount of abuse you should put up with is NONE!
And no-one on here will tell you to stay in an abusive relationship.
You children are also being abused.
As a teacher you must see the abuse cycle.
Time for you to break that cycle for your DC and for yourself.
Get some legal advice and make a safe exit plan.
Do you have family or friends at all?
Or has he isolated you from that support network too?

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 31/05/2017 08:34

Has he always been like thay? He makes comments infront of the children knowing fine well a row wont erupt. Although I wouldn't be able too help myself with the
"Your mum never finishes anything" - I would of retorted , I do. I'm finishing with you.

GizzyTiedToATree · 31/05/2017 08:34

I don't have any friends. My parents are going through a messy divorce and my siblings are abroad. I am alone.

OP posts:

Nevergrowingold · 31/05/2017 08:36

Tell him you have had enough and are considering divorce. Really lay it on the line.

petalsandstars · 31/05/2017 08:39

The only way for you and your DC to survive this is to LTB. Otherwise they will most likely emulate either being abusive or taking the abuse in their own futures. Protect them now by being strong and getting out yourself.

GizzyTiedToATree · 31/05/2017 08:39

If I say I am considering divorce, he is going to say that he was right all the way, that I never loved him, that he has wasted over 10 years of his life on me.

OP posts:

FluffyWhiteTowels · 31/05/2017 08:41

This is clearly emotional abuse. He sounds really nasty. How horrid for you and DC to be subjected to his criticism and negativity constantly. Just tell him it sounds as though he's not happy living as he is and he should leave and find his happiness. That way he can't 'blame you'. FFS you can't use the internet, read a book and the constant put downs. He's an arse.

GizzyTiedToATree · 31/05/2017 08:41

I have to go to my next class but I will try to come back this afternoon. Thanks for your answers. It makes me feel less lonely.

OP posts:

Inbetweenus · 31/05/2017 08:42

You'll never get him to admit he's abusive. He will always blame his behaviour on someone or something else. It's that attitute that enables him to carry on being abusive. You deserve better.

Sugarcoma · 31/05/2017 08:43

OP I am so sorry to hear this. When I was a kid my mother would say the same shit to us about my dad whenever we did anything negative "oh you couldn't find something right in front of your nose, you're just like your dad" - it was unbelievably damaging. 25 years later they've just gone through an incredibly messy divorce and I'm NC with my mum. Obviously LTB is never an easy option but for me the way he refers to you in front of them is a huge warning sign.

BToperator · 31/05/2017 08:45

I think you know it is bad. You have two choices, continue to put up with it, or leave. You can't change him, you can only change how you respond to him. It doesn't matter what he says if you decide to divorce him. He doesn't get to say how you have felt for the last 10 years. You know the truth. He is just trying to control you.

Noteventhebestdrummer · 31/05/2017 08:51

What are you teaching your children?

What do you want them to learn about healthy adult relationships?

scottishllama · 31/05/2017 08:54

At the end of the day, who care what he might say or think if you file for divorce. In the long run it sounds as though you'll be happier if you leave him, and your children will see that.

Do what's best for you.

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AnnaThursday · 31/05/2017 09:08

I was married to a moody sulker too, it never gets any better, OP.
It's a cruel and soul destroying way to live and your DC are enduring
the cruelty of their mother being undermined and treated lesser too.
You won't change him you have to look at how you excuse his
behaviour and realise it for what it is - he's not a project to be worked on,
he's supposed to be your champion, instead he's your misery maker
and over time he'll be your destroyer.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/05/2017 09:09

he is going to say that he was right all the way
Your response: 'Yes dear, what ever you say'
And repeat to anything he tries to blame you for.
It will drive him insane!
You don't have any friends so what does it matter what anyone else thinks?
YOU know and so do your DC.
Time to take back control of your life and kick this low life abusive scum to the curb!

Nevergrowingold · 31/05/2017 09:09

Yes so what if he blames you? You've had enough.

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