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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Partner won't have sex with me.

136 replies

Vada83 · 31/05/2017 00:31

Hello, I can't sleep because this is playing on my mind like crazy.
I have been friends with this guy for nine years, at the start he flirted and it was sexual. We then kind of become partners but no sex or anything remotely sexual.
We have spoken about this because I bring it up a lot but he tells me that he feels he isn't good at it and he feels very uncomfortable. I have asked him if anything has happened to him to make him feel this way he has said no. I asked him tonight about what sexual things does he think of, he become cross and more or less let me apologise for asking him such a personal question. I have never been in this situation before. I get make attention but just not from the man I love. I feel like I'm such a beast why won't he go near me.?

OP posts:

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PaperdollCartoon · 31/05/2017 00:33

I'm confused. He's been your partner for 9 years but you haven't been sexual since the beginning?

PaperdollCartoon · 31/05/2017 00:33

Or is he your friend? And you want to be sexual?

HildaOg · 31/05/2017 00:39

It doesn't sound like it's anything to do with you. It's him. He has told you he has no confidence and doesn't feel he's any good at it. He probably feels so much anxiety over his failure to perform well that he just can't even think about it.

Take it slowly... One step at a time. Treat him like a virgin and lead him over the next couple of months. Start with foreplay, just that... Built it up. He needs to find confidence around you and trust that you're not going to judge him.

If that fails then perhaps a sex therapist.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2017 00:39

Are you living together? Or literally just friends who once messed around. What makes him your 'partner'.

LellyMcKelly · 31/05/2017 00:57

Is it possible that he's gay?

pieceofpurplesky · 31/05/2017 00:58

How is he your partner?

givemethecake · 31/05/2017 01:00

So you were doing stuff when you were friends but then you got together and now he won't touch you?

scottishdiem · 31/05/2017 01:09

So much of that doesnt make sense. I cant tell if they have been together of that long or its a case of long term unrequited lust.

TheNaze73 · 31/05/2017 06:49

None of the post makes any sense at all????

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2017 06:54

I don't really understand, what do you mean you "kind of became partners"? It sounds like you're just friends if you don't have sex and he feels even asking the question is too private for what your relationship is.

If he doesn't have those feelings for you, he doesn't have those feelings for you. Ask him what he thinks the relationship is.

JoJoSM2 · 31/05/2017 07:04

I'm also confused how he's the partner if your relationship isn't sexual. That would mean he's more of a close friend... However, if both of you consider each other partners, then it's a very difficult one. Sounds like he's got mega issues around intimacy and would need to be willing to work on it and see a therapist (with both of you attending sessions for at least at few months). And frankly, you must have some issues too to have persevered in this arrangement for years...

BitOutOfPractice · 31/05/2017 07:13

HildaOg being s he gets angry when she even mentions sex I think your tactic is a non-starter

Vada83 · 31/05/2017 09:23

Sorry I didn't add all the facts. We don't live together but see each other daily. We are close like a couple, we act like a couple but the sexual thing he won't even talk about anything sexual. I can't touch him without him getting moody. It's getting to the breaking point now as it will be 9 years soon and we don't sleep together or do anything else. He got really moody with me and kind of blames me for making him feel bad if I flirt with him. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I love him but we haven't had sex in years and he always tells me he loves me and wants closeness but feels such stress around sex he would rather not have it.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 31/05/2017 09:25

He's not your partner. He's just your friend.

And one you could do well to distance yourself from.

Nevergrowingold · 31/05/2017 09:27

You haven't had sex for nine years, you don't live together or even sleep together? I wouldn't bother. Really no point and nothing resembling a normal relationship.

Vada83 · 31/05/2017 09:28

Yes you are right regarding my own issues. The longer it went the most I tried to be understanding because I didn't want him to get cross and start telling me I'm not supporting. If I flirt he tells me I'm not being understanding. He talks about moving in and having children. I tell him we cant start a family if he won't go near me. I feel like I'm this awful person but I'm getting sick of being pushed away.

OP posts:

PaintingOwls · 31/05/2017 09:28

You've been celibate for 9 years?? Cut him loose, woman! I don't think he sounds like a partner. What makes you think he is your partner?

Vada83 · 31/05/2017 09:30

He has asked me to stick around and carry on having this "relationship" without the sex.

OP posts:

PaintingOwls · 31/05/2017 09:31

Ooh cross post.

I have a friend who is autistic and doesn't "get" sex and intimacy and "people-touching" as he likes to call it

I don't think you can force affection and a sex drive out of him, stop wasting any more time on a very strange and sexless "relationship".

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2017 09:32

When uou say you haven't had sex in years, do you mean you once had a sexual relationship, or you've never had a sexual relationship?

Vada83 · 31/05/2017 09:35

Well we started off sexual but looking back he was only sexual towards me when drunk, or if he had a drink. He asked me to move in with him a few times but I haven't because of this issue. We spend all time together when we are not working, everyone sees us as a couple, we kiss and hug but when I try to move things forward he gets cross with me and tells me I'm not supporting him, then starts crying and tells me I can do better. Our friends keep asking when we will have children I want to tell everyone that can't happen because he won't go near me. I feel awful.

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 09:39

Oh goodness,I would go almost cold turkey and maybe just see him once a week . He sounds like a habit and if you have some time apart you'll see this relationship for what it is not the romanticised version you have in your head. He isn't interested in you, it's not your job to 'fix' him.

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Vada83 · 31/05/2017 09:39

I have had sex before him and all my relationships have been very sexual. When we met we had sex but I look back and it wasn't never normal as he had drink before hand. I have stretch marks not loads but I do have some on my legs and boobs. It might be the way I look. I get attention else where but I think it is possible it's me that's stopping him.

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 09:40

Cross post but actually, my advice still stands. This is going nowhere.

StormTreader · 31/05/2017 09:42

Hes either gay or aesexual, most likely the second one.
Where did he think the children he wanted were going to come from?

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