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How do you cope with lies being spread about you?(15 Posts)
ExP (DDs dad) has bipolar disorder and takes massive amounts of cocaine. In trouble with the police. Just generally a messed up individual. His bipolar was managed before we had her and he was fine and lovely (so I don't want to get flamed for that). I think he's in the midst of a breakdown, which has encouraged the drug use. It's a circle.
The cocaine and the bipolar have led to some severe delusions about me. He is convinced I've slept with several of his friends (and one of their girlfriends). Apparently, yesterday he overheard his friends having a conversation regarding me using a sex toy on one of his friends. He believes this is 100% true. He wants to kill himself. He's planning on moving out of his house as he believes all his housemates knew too.
He's going around telling everyone this and presenting it as fact. We're pretty young, and in a town and circle where everyone knows each other. I'm so embarrassed we haven't been together for six months, and I haven't even spoke to another boy in that time - let alone cheated on him! I've only left my DD once in that six months for a few drinks with my best friend - i can't get a babysitter because I am only permitting him supervised contact, and I don't particularly want one, so I have no idea when these shenanigans were due to take place.
He's threatening to write a status on Facebook detailing all of the above. He's threatening to stop his mum and dad being my guarantor, so I'll get kicked out. He's bullied this friend into doing a lie detector, but I'm doing a psychology degree and I know lie detectors are about as reliable as a flip of a coin. I'm so scared that if it's wrong, my life will be ruined.
All I'm trying to do is be a good mum and get my degree and keep a roof over our heads on my own. I'm laughing it all off in public as it really is ridiculous, I'm not that type of girl at all. But I'm not out drinking in the usual haunts defending myself. I know he's spreading it - but I have no way of telling my side of the story, so it's getting presented as fact. I have anxiety, and I'm so anxious that everyone will be talking and laughing about me. And thinking these horrible things. And me and my little DD might lose our house. I've been so kind and understanding due to his mental health/ substance addictions. I've been there for him and supported him as a friend and a co-parent even after he's treated me so awfully. I don't deserve any of this.
Please trust me on this, all these people KNOW what a mess your ex is. He's a rambling drug addict with mental problems. All of these people aren't going to give weight to any of his insane ramblings. Hold your head high and don't worry about him. Just take care of yourself.
I would also ignore it all and carry on as normal. Anyone that believes this load of tripe is as bad as he is but they won't will they? They will know he is ....ahem...not functioning as he should. Those that mind don't matter. Those that matter don't mind. If you hear it, just laugh! Maybe put a status up that says something like "For anyone that's heard the rumour I have set about a zoo animal with a dildo, please ignore it as it was actually a farm animal" and then a smiley face emoticon. This will diffuse the situation nicely and show you have a sense of humour too.
Thank you so much. That's what I'm trying to think. I've spoke to his best friend, who's actually my DDs godfather (one of the accused), and he knows it's all ridiculous. To be fair, he's accused so many people of it that obviously they all know it's not true. So I'm just trying to bare that in mind. I know you're right. Silly old anxiety.
Luckily the older woman he lives with is coming to collect DD for contact tomorrow, and will supervise it. She sounds sympathetic in her texts, and she seems to be quite lovely. Feel sorry for her that she's been dragged into it all too. Just blocked every possible method of contact now and am trying to chill. Right in the middle of my exams too 😩 really don't need it all.
😂 cilated, I like that. I was tempted to write a status, but I fear that will fuel a 'comeback' status. I just want out of it all thank you for your message. You're right. I'm trying not to worry.
My ex was recently acquitted at trial of very serious abuse against me, I know he tells people it's "proof Lulu is a liar" among other delightful things ... one of my best friends recently pointed out that it doesn't matter what he says, people aren't stupid, they know what these men are like, they will see more than he thinks they see. And those that know you, will know it's not true.
I know it's not much, but those who believe him are categorically not worth your time. It's tough, but you're doing brilliantly
Personally, I wouldn't give any of his ridiculous lies a single bit of public response. Do NOT post anything about his ramblings on FaceBook. That will only add fuel to his insane fire. He WANTS a reaction from you. That's what he's after. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Thank you. I'm sitting on my fingers now to stop myself unblocking and engaging. and defending myself. It's not worth it. It doesn't help. I know that.
I miss him. God knows why. I'm an idiot. I would never get back with him, i would never let my DD think this was an ok way to be treated. It's just difficult, especially in my line of work, when you see how much mental illness and substance misuse can completely change a person's character.
No, you are right. Be like the Queen. Never Complain, never explain. People do see a lot more than he thinks they see. He will get a reputation for being a stranger to the truth soon enough. You're his first subject is all. Chill.
If you feel that he is harassing you with his threats ( because he is, what ever the drug fuelled delusions may or may not be) you can talk to the police, you know.
In fact I think it is quite important that you do this in case he decides to try to build a case for unsupervised or even increased contact.
As far as I'm aware you can't just stop being a guarantor. Once they have signed the agreement they have committed until you move out or they die!
CiliatedEpithelium I love that 'be like the queen' so true!
Op, people will know exactly what your exp is up to and will either be nodding away politely, avoiding him or disagreeing with him. Don't worry about them agreeing or believing.
We have a friend who told white lies but after serious alcohol/cocaine issues now just lies and lies (not like your story, but lies about status/money/jobs) and we all just play along with it because sadly at the minute there's nothing more we can do unless he starts to help himself. People aren't daft, don't worry x
Ah thanks so so much everyone. Especially you Paloma! I hope that's true. Feel better this morning don't miss the idiot at all. Just had a lonely moment.
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