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What do I do about my father

(24 Posts)
Tattersail Tue 30-May-17 15:15:51

I have recently moved to a new town, and after moving discovered that my estranged father also lives in said town.

I discovered this when he came into my place of work. He didn't talk to me at the time but has since passed his number on via one of his friends and asked me to get in touch.

We have been NC for over 10 years for very good reason and I have no interest in building a relationship with him. He is a vile man and I wouldn't have him anywhere near myself or my children.

I need practical advice on what to do if he comes back in to my work place. Every time I have seen him pass it sends my anxiety through the roof and I panic sad

Aquamarine1029 Tue 30-May-17 15:48:13

Take a deep breath and get your power back. Do not contact your father. If he does approach you face to face, tell him very clearly that you will not speak to him nor forge a relationship with him. Ever. If he persists, go to the police and get a restraining order. Don't worry and don't be afraid. You are in control.

Tattersail Tue 30-May-17 20:02:33

Thank you for responding smile I wish I felt in control. I'm currently on medication for anxiety and this definitely isn't helping. I don't imagine I could get a restraining order that easily? I recall it being quite a difficult process when I tried before, but then again I wasn't legally an adult at the time

LorelaiLeighGilmore Tue 30-May-17 20:04:58

Hi OP. If your workplace is a public place, could you ask that he be banned from it? IME restraining orders are difficult unless a crime has been reported, but banning may be a possibility? Wishing you all the best.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 30-May-17 20:18:45

First, I explore you to get this book: Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks Fast by Barry McDonagh. It literally changed my life, and I know exactly what you're suffering with in regards to your anxiety. Second, the only person who can control you is YOU. Stand unwaivering in your decision to have no contact with your father and don't ever feel you have to explain yourself to people who doubt your decision. They aren't you and they have no idea what you've been through. You can handle this, I promise!

Aquamarine1029 Tue 30-May-17 20:19:33

Emplore not explore! Sorry!

Tattersail Tue 30-May-17 20:39:20

I'm not sure if I can request that he is banned, not at the moment any way as he hasn't actually done anything wrong yet.. it might be possible though in the future if he does come in and kick off (as he is liable to)

Thank you for the book recommendation, I will have a wee nosey at that when the DC are asleep. I am aware on some level that I am the one with the power here, but the moment I saw him all the feelings of fear I used to have around him came rushing back.

Tattersail Wed 31-May-17 07:04:10

Anyone around for a hand hold? I am so nervous about going to work today in case he turns up sad

I doubt he has changed much so what will probably happen is radio silence for a few days while he composes a suitably heartfelt letter detailing all my faults and all the things I have done to hurt him that he is willing to very graciously forgive me for.

I know this in my head, and realistically know I most likely won't see him today but I can't help worrying over it...

pog100 Wed 31-May-17 07:14:26

I'll hold your hand. You realise this is a weak man who just sees you as a soft target because you are related. It is so unfair that he is spoiling your place of work. Don't let him. Be strong, send him packing with his tail between his legs. You are 10 years older and more mature than the girl he remembers. Show it. Good luck, though you don't need it.

WelshMoth Wed 31-May-17 07:17:29

OP is this a new workplace for you? Are you able to alert some key people who will 'buffer' his visits - should he visit?

You still have the power here. This is a wobble, stand strong.

Footle Wed 31-May-17 07:23:00

Is it a workplace that he can legitimately visit for other reasons than to see you?

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Wed 31-May-17 07:23:16

I'm sorry to hear this. In your position I would tell your manager and close colleagues about your dad and how you're worried he'll turn up (not all the details of course only as much as you feel comfortable saying). Together you can form a strategy of what to do just in case. Get all the support you can at work.

rizlett Wed 31-May-17 07:23:29

It's normal when you see a trigger for previous feelings for them to come back at exactly the same intensity as they were when the traumatic things happened.

I used to get panicky just at the sight of a car the same as my EA exH. It was a pretty distinctive one and I began getting better by continuing to look at it - rather than running from it - by continually repeating in my head 'its just a car'.

I'm not sure how you can translate this to help with your dad - though he is just a man - and you are an adult now and with more knowledge about what's acceptable and what isn't.

Would it help to practice a phrase that you might use if you do see him? Like 'Stop talking to me' whilst you move away from him and just to repeat that if he continues? I'm sure other people will come up with better words to use.

Remember you are no longer that child - though she is still there inside you - so put her somewhere safe in your mind - whilst the strong and powerful Tattersail puts on her wonder woman outfit - and chucks his crap right back at him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 31-May-17 07:29:40

How were you made aware that he had come into your place of work?.

It goes without saying that radio silence from you is still necessary.
I would inform your workplace that under no circumstances is your father allowed to make any sort of contact with you. Seek support from your employers and look at legal advice.

You have no inclination or need to meet him at all; for such disordered of thinking people like your father any response from you is the reward. He got a "flying monkey" to do his bidding for him and I would roundly ignore that person too.

Shayelle Wed 31-May-17 07:30:16

He HAS done something wrong. The reason you cut him off in the first place. You poor thing x is there a good friend at work you can confide in? Id also talk to HR and your line manager and let them know the situation. Try not to worry x

Tattersail Wed 31-May-17 07:42:03

Thanks folks. I am definitely having a wobble as you say.

I work in retail, sales and tech support so it's public facing and there's excuses he could use for coming in other than to see me.

My manager is on leave until later in the week but I will say to one of my colleagues today when I go in. They already know a little about the situation but I think I'll have to give a little more detail about how uncomfortable it's making me feel. We're quite a small team so once I tell one person everyone will know.

It feels like I don't start for ages yet. I feel sick sad

Tattersail Wed 31-May-17 07:45:30

@atilla the first time he came in was last week and he didn't talk to me. I saw him standing looking at a display and my heart nearly stopped. I was serving someone and he left before I was finished. I had hoped he didn't recognise me but then he sent his friend in with his phone number yesterday

Iris65 Wed 31-May-17 07:51:28

I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
I agree that you talk to your colleagues and to your manager. You don't have to give details of what happened. Fortunately most people are aware fo the kinds of things that can happen in families that lead to NC so they should be understanding.
If he does start coming in regularly a colleague can request that he leave. If he gets abusive then he can be banned. If he doesn't but keeps approaching you then you can apply for a restraining order.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Wed 31-May-17 09:04:27

Yes definitely speak to your colleague, I reckon you'll feel a lot better knowing someone is looking out for you. Good luck OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 31-May-17 09:20:15

Do seek support from your colleagues. You have every right to work there without threat of potential or future harassment from either your dad or his flying monkey sent in to do his bidding (some kind but truly gullible person whom your dad has managed to manipulate).

WhiteCaribou Wed 31-May-17 10:11:00

If he keeps coming in and trying to make contact or hangs around looking at you, maybe goes to other places you go to etc isn't that stalking? Which is illegal and you could get the police involved.

Otherwise you do nt have to say anything to him at all if you dont want to, you don't need to try and think of a response if he approaches you, just literally turn round and walk away.

Tattersail Wed 31-May-17 10:46:18

Hi all, at work so just a quick update. I feel so ill with worry but keeping busy to distract myself.

I've spoken to my colleague, she was lovely smile if he comes in the advice is to immediately remove myself from the shop floor and don't engage. Fingers crossed I don't have to though

Shayelle Wed 31-May-17 12:36:25

Hope youre feeling alright op. It will be ok xx

Aquamarine1029 Wed 31-May-17 13:33:36

If he does send you a letter, do NOT read it. Rip it up in the envelope and throw it in the bin. Burn it if it makes you feel better.

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