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DH and older DS and spats

(26 Posts)
yetmorecrap Tue 30-May-17 14:47:02

My DH and son aged 19 just seem to rub each other up the wrong way. Son lives in houseshare and works in a professional role but comes over most weekends for a feed up and to do his washing. I dont have an issue with this but DH does, he thinks its too much and yesterday told him that he "uses us" to always be subbing money off us and raid the fridge . Son has just had a month between jobs after being made redundant following a company slowdown so is skint till he gets paid end of next month but is a hard worker , has done well all without going to Uni and Im proud of him. He Has now said he doesnt
want to come over to our house, he will meet us elsewhere . Whilst there is an element of truth in what DH said, I really dont think it helps when son is feeling a bit down by being skint. Am I being unreasonable in finding this kind of spat upsetting. It happens a lot.

MumBod Tue 30-May-17 14:48:03

Is DH your son's dad?

yetmorecrap Tue 30-May-17 14:51:08

Yes, our only one

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 30-May-17 14:52:32

As a dm of 3 adult dc I know being a dm doesn't stop just because they have moved out!! In my mind the bringing of the washing /ironing /worries and woes is to reinforce to them that they still need you!! And as a dm that's always good to know!!
Sounds more like your dh is envious of the relationship you continue to have with you ds than the money. Tight arse git if it is about cash anyway!! He is your child ffs and you can still help him out!!

Sparkletastic Tue 30-May-17 14:53:17

I think your son is doing incredibly well to be living independently and working at his young age. What a shame your DH resents helping him out in these minor ways rather than being as proud of him as your are.

TwitterQueen1 Tue 30-May-17 14:59:23

What a horrible thing to say to your DS! I would be very glad to a) be needed and b) able to help and support. Your son is still only 19! As others have said, he's doing incredibly well. I would be very happy to provide food and a washing machine.

Squishedstrawberry4 Tue 30-May-17 15:08:05

Your poor DS. He's so young still. He needs support

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Tue 30-May-17 15:15:54

it's what they do!

My lot is officially off my hands, one is sort of, she had a student flat but now it's summer hols, lots of friends to visit, nice boyfriend with kind mother! , one waiting to join the RAF.

Have a word with dh and point out the GOOD, your ds had a job, has got a new one, has somewhere to live. ...and tell him to wind his neck in! It's not like ds is in bed till 3pm everyday and expecting to be funded by Bank of MUM&DAD.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Tue 30-May-17 15:17:11

oh...forgot a lot-blah blah blah-- and they are still popping home on occasion for a feed or raiding the freezer and bringing laundry

yetmorecrap Tue 30-May-17 15:22:53

He does tend to use bank of mum and dad a bit, but nowhere near as much I feel if he was a student, husband can be downright horrible to him at times I feel given that I feel it's all a learning curve managing money etc and until now he has been on quite a low income relative to what he does

Sparkletastic Tue 30-May-17 15:23:45

Not liking the sound of DH.

Didiusfalco Tue 30-May-17 15:26:30

Oh, your dh doesn't sound very nice. Ds is doing amazingly being so independent at 19. Can't imagine begrudging dc a bit of food when they visit.

Ratatatouille Tue 30-May-17 15:28:27

I hate this attitude that some people have where they almost see having children as a maximum 18 year commitment, after which they are on their own. Well actually, no. You decided to have them and bring them into the world so regardless of what the letter of the law says, you have a moral obligation to help them find their way. At 19, your son is doing very well to be living away from home and with a job. Your DH is being a complete arse to be frank. He should want to help his son. Clearly he is working hard and just needs an extra little bit of support. He's only just an adult. Learning to be completely independent doesn't just happen overnight. You sound like a lovely mum.

Ratatatouille Tue 30-May-17 15:29:52

That last sentence sounded really sarcastic when I read it back - it wasn't supposed to. You do genuinely sound like a lovely mum. It's just a shame your DH isn't on the same page.

yetmorecrap Tue 30-May-17 15:41:45

Ha, no I didn't take it as sarcastic!!

Atenco Tue 30-May-17 15:52:01

"I hate this attitude that some people have where they almost see having children as a maximum 18 year commitment"

Well that was what I thought when I started out. Fast forward 32 years and dd and dgd still live with me, though I'm not complaining.

Congratulations on having such an independent son, OP.

RossGellersteeth Tue 30-May-17 16:00:06

I don't think there's anything wrong with what your son's doing. I hope when my DC leave home, they'll still want to come and visit/stay. I would gladly make them a bite to eat and do their washing, but then that's what my mum did for us. What kind of upbringing did your DH have?

HandbagCrazy Tue 30-May-17 16:13:21

I remember being DS age and tentatively working out finances. The only reason I was brave enough to move out was knowing that they were there to support me and be a safety net if I needed it (which I did a few times). I can't imagine them turning me away because I was supposed to be an adult.

Not sure if you want to show your DH this thread but I would definitely point out that there is nothing supportive about his actions - how would he feel if your DS really needed help and didn't feel he could approach you?

MumBod Tue 30-May-17 16:16:52

Yeah, what everyone else said. He's being a mean bugger. What was his relationship with his dad like?

yetmorecrap Tue 30-May-17 16:49:43

very strange family. His dad is odd, mum no longer alive. Not exactly generous either even though comfortably off.

Deathraystare Tue 30-May-17 17:40:54

He may even be jealous of the relationship especially as his own dad was 'odd'. At least, your son coming round often you can see he is ok and can make sure he is eating well! Oh and able to wear clean clothes!!!

noova61 Tue 30-May-17 18:08:05

My daughter is 23, with her own child and own house...we see her every day and she raids our fridge, freezer and cupboards...we dont care...we are her parents and if I didnt see or hear from her I'd worry. Dont shut you son out, hes only got one set of parents. I like knowing she can come to us every day and doesnt feel unwelcome. Shes staying here tomorrow night as it happens, shes got her driving test on thurs at 8 and a lesson at 7 beforehand, so Im babysitting our grandsonsmile

Worrynot1 Tue 30-May-17 18:09:26

My Dad was a complete shit to me at that age , a bully , nothing good enough undermining, this was the early 80s. Now he is in a nursing home somewhere I don't even know the name of. Ask your DH if thats the Farther Son relationship he wants?

Chottie Tue 30-May-17 18:16:04

My DCs are in their 30s. They have both left home, but they still have their door keys and know that there is always a bed for them at any time.

I wouldn't have it any other way smile

yayayahey Tue 30-May-17 18:49:11

I was kicked out of home at 16 (for absolutely no fault of my own, evil step mother). Never had a penny from either parent since then. I've got an ok relationship with them both now but it always hurts me to think that they wouldn't help me and I struggled and was scared so much.

I will ALWAYS help ds. Even when he's 50. Fuck the bank of Mum and Dad, I want him to feel safe and loved.

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