Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
"I did love you, but I dont any more"(48 Posts)
My partner of 2 years has been very distant for the last 6 months or more, whenever I ask if he still loved me I'd get a "yep" and then he'd change the subject. After a nice bank holiday weekend together, I finally asked him "how do you feel about me?" so that he couldnt just say yes, and after a bit of a pause he finally says "I dont think I feel the same way you do, I cant say it (I love you) if its isnt true".
He says he meant it when he said it in the past, but he just doesnt feel that way any more, he still "cares about me".
Im devastated, I knew he'd been more distant but always had that knowledge "he does still love me though", and now it turns out that hasnt been true for seemingly quite a while. I just keep replaying in my head all the times he said it and how happy I was, and I cant quite believe that thats just gone for no reason.
I feel simultaneously like a gullible idiot for believing him and making a fool of myself, and gutted that this is another relationship in a sparse line of "dating, going well, interest tales off, they end things without being the slightest bit hesitant or upset". I'm 36 and not exactly swamped with interest as it is, I can see a life of being lonely and unimportant to anyone stretching out in front of me, and I cant even blame him for being unreasonable.
I think hes being honest, not unreasonable.
I'm sorry you are going through this though.
I'm sorry . It must be heartbreaking to hear. It's going to sound crap - but at least he's not lying to you and has the decency to be honest, even if it's not what you wanted to hear.
Whatever happens next, you have to remind yourself that being with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you is not a life where you will feel valued and loved. You're still young - plenty of time to enjoy yourself and find someone who wants to be with you! I know it seems hard right now, but try and focus on the positives of the situation.
Also, have you got any friends/family that can support in RL? A virtual bunch of flowers isn't the same as a hug and cup of coffee with a loved one. Xx
I'm really sorry, it's an utterly lousy thing. But I think he probably has a different understanding of love to you. He probably fancied you and was having fun, and having you made him feel good about himself. Or some such thing. And maybe he thought that equals love, but the love you want is probably something more. The kind of love you wanted, the deeper kind that prepares you to live your life with someone, he probably never felt that for you, maybe not for anyone. It says more about the person he is than anything you did/are. You deserve more than he can give you, and you have time to find it.
It just makes me feel sick, the thought that one day he must have looked at me and thought "you know what, I don't think I love you any more", like I've done something wrong at some point in the past and just never been told. The idea that it can be so fragile that it can just go any second for no reason is terrifying, how does anyone ever get married knowing that maybe one day their husband/wife will say "actually, not feeling it any more".
I think I'd have been happier if we'd had some massive row and broken up because of that, rather than it being announced as casually as noticing that its raining.
Have you never felt like that about a man in the past? To me it's more amazing that some couples continue to be attracted to each other and love each other for years on end.
I have had blokes stop wanting to be with me and I've stopped wanting to be with some blokes. Living together or being married doesn't magically stop that happening.
It doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong, people just continue to change as they get older, or they don't change and what was once a minor irritant becomes a major cause of frustration.
I think we overvalue the length of relationships. Quality is important. 1 long relationship is better for child rearing but I think if my husband stops wanting to be with me and loving my company (and body) I'd rather he told me and we split.
I think he's been honest and a lot of relationships end in a similar way because someone has outgrown or fallen out of love with that individual. I was with my ex from 16-19 he adored me and loved me but I had moved on went to uni and simply grew apart, it was no ones fault and it was part of being in a relationship some last whilst others don't. I know it's shitty op but you will meet someone else.
It won't be your fault. Take what he says seriously and end the relationship as you deserve to be loved.It could be that he's reflecting on the honeymoon phase and feeling sad that it's over.That stage doesnt last forever but what can follow is a deeper love.He may be the type however who struggles to get past the romantic stage.
What is his relationship history?
Sadly men (seemingly more often than women) do leave long term relationships even when they have made a commitment such as marriage and children as they miss the honeymoon stage and believe they will find it in someone else..however after a few years that wears off so they start the cycle again.
You will be ok, believe that you will be happy again.
He was in a very long-term relationship before me (15+ years) and utterly devoted to her, she sadly died a few years ago. Seeing how he was with her, I know he can be committed and really love someone, and I thought thats what I could have when he told me he loved me. I guess theres an element of hurt pride there as well, that I wasnt enough to inspire the kind of deep love the two of them had.
I guess what he had was just honeymoon period, I wish it had been the same for me, it still feels to me like the time has gone in a flash.
He should have told you sooner, rather than being distant for 6 months, hoping you'd let him off the hook.
Onwards and upwards. You'll find someone who adores you. It's not about you not being 'enough'. Honestly. Everyone has relationships finish at one time or another.
I think he's being honest & not unreasonable. He's probably tried over the last 6 months to cut you some slack but, glad he's been honest with you.
Hard to take on the chin but, you will have to move on
He tried to cut me some slack?
Over what, over me foolishly expecting him to love me like he said he did many times, or being upset that he seemed so distant while telling me "you worry too much" and that everything was fine whenever I tried to talk to him about it?
I'd be getting angry too, OP. It's a good sign. Don't let him know that though. Move on and up - you've dodged a bullet there, the big coward.
He possibly isn't over the death of his partner. You've done nothing wrong, but you're not her.
He needs to take time before he commits to another relationship and you need to part from him so as you can pursue your own happiness.
So, like an idiot I took him back.
He came round last Monday for date night, sat on my sofa and said "so, its not really working with us". I'd thought things were going way better as well, the last month he'd really seemed like he was trying.
I just feel blindsided, as ive heard that on the Friday he was out partying without a care in the world, talking excitedly about the three women he was messaging. I was at home crying, Ive lost 3 pounds in a week. I wish I could see this as a good thing, we definitely had our problems, but I cant get past the feeling that as a relatively plain 37 year old woman, things from here on out are going to be "finding things to pass the time". He made me feel wanted and visible and worth caring about.
2 1/2 years, over and ended just like that.
Ah I'm sorry. I'm going through the same thing but after an 11 month relationship. After a couple of weeks of buggering about I got 'my hearts not in it but you're brilliant' WTF!! It's absolutely awful I know. I'm actually ok I think, we didn't live together and our lives weren't too intertwined but it still hurts. You will be ok. Be very kind to yourself and forgive yourself for trying again, you did it with hope and good intentions. He's a shit for stringing you along like this, it's deceptive and cruel. Let your friends and family support you, lean on them when you need to and talk on here as there's some great support
Ive just run across a text I sent to a friend (in a state) just after he left - he said while he had just broken up with me "Ive learned a lot from you and will be better in future relationships".
Im not sure if I feel sick to my stomach or white-hot rage that he can look back at our relationship and say "I was bad to you but rather than try and be better, or apologise, Im ditching you as a lost cause and giving future women the benefit of all the shit I put you through".
You will go through all sorts of emotions. Mine told me he was sorry, I deserved better, he still wanted to see me, he fucked up blah blah. At the end of the day he was trying to string me along into still being there for him emotionally. Yours sounds even bloody worse. What a thing to say!!! You'll go through anger, bemusement, devastation but the clouds will clear. I've had a thread on here going for about 2 weeks and I've had great advice. I didn't always follow it but I knew it was right. I feel calmer now and just sad and disappointed to be on my own again. Anger is destructive and if you show him your anger he'll call you deranged etc. Please try to retain dignity where he is concerned. I was advised to block him, I couldn't actually do that but along with my calm is no desire to contact him. Let your emotions out here instead
He did message on the Wednesday morning saying he'd been thinking about me a lot but didnt want to bombard me with messages and invites to events if i needed space - I replied that it was a shame all the thinking about me and messaging me didnt happen much while we were actually dating.
I dont want to miss out on all the stuff going on (he goes to EVERYTHING I like) but equally I feel like him dumping me means that he doesnt get the pleasure of my company any more.
Yes I'm EXACTLY the same. Don't get sucked back in. I'll miss mine and everything we used to do (gigs, festivals etc). Don't let him use you again. You need space and time to recover x
And I'm 42 so I've got 5 years on you. We absolutely will be fine
I think there are some guys who like the thrill of the chase but just get bored when they know they have 'got you' , they value a constant 'buzz' more than an actual relationship I feel, I know a few women like this too
StormTreader, if you're a relatively plain woman (and I bet you're being hard on yourself, even if you're no beauty, I still bet you're being hard on yourself, while he's allowing the attention of on line hopefuls to boost his ego! But, how attractive can he be? He may be messaging three women but have they met him!?
It sounds like he missed you and messed you about to make himself feel better. He weaned himself off you which was an easy landing for him and double trauma for you. I hope that seeing that makes you cut him out now. You don't need that.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.