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Commitment issues?!

(18 Posts)
User141665468 Tue 30-May-17 12:03:36

Hello everyone.

Please can someone tell me what do to now!

The man I'm dating has come out and said he is scared of commitment (at least he has admitted it, and I kind of suspected this anyway)

But now what, I don't want to pressure him or make him feel uncomfortable.

Has anyone been able to overcome this, or are they set in their ways?

CheersMedea Tue 30-May-17 12:28:54

How old is he and what is his relationship background?

"scared of commitment" aged 29 is very different from "scared of commitment" aged 59.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 30-May-17 12:36:10

How long have you been in a relationship with this man?.

Sod with not wanting to pressure him and making him feel more uncomfortable, he has dropped a right old bombshell into this relationship now. Its not a problem that you can solve for him; you cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

I would walk away because you are not going to be able to change his mind. Also you have suspected, rightly as it has turned out, that he has commitment issues.

Blisss Tue 30-May-17 12:50:12

What's the point in seeing someone if you can't commit? Because otherwise it just ends up staying a sex thing and that's it. I'd want the real deal, a 'forever man'.
If he won't commit to you then walk away and find someone who will because like I said what's the point? There won't be a future without commitment

User141665468 Tue 30-May-17 13:01:00

He is 35.

He's had previous relationships but they've not worked out. His longest one being 11 years, so maybe something went wrong there that has made him this way. I haven't asked as I don't like discussing my previous relationship (quite toxic and abusive so I find it hard to discuss without sounding like I just hate my ex) so I don't want to turn the conversation back on me.

He is a genuinely caring man. We've been dating for 5 months.

His actions say one thing and his words say another.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 30-May-17 13:07:01

If its not right then its not right particularly if his actions and words do not tally.

I would end this relationship before you get any more invested and or hurt.

(BTW the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid is very beneficial to those who have been in abusive relationships; this may be something you want to consider if you have not already looked at this)

CheersMedea Tue 30-May-17 13:08:04

!f he's 35 and had an 11 year relationship, this is not a man with a commitment problem!

I think he is telling you that he doesn't see a serious future with you. If that' is what you want carry on at your peril.

Don't waste your time trying to work out "how" to get him to commit or what manipulations you can engage in. It will drive you crazy, damage yourself esteem and achieve nothing.

Either accept it for what it is (a "for now" relationship, enjoy it now without worrying about tomorrow and commitment) OR end it. Those are your choices.

Also how old are you? If you are younger and want children, don't muck about with this man - he's wasting your time.

User141665468 Tue 30-May-17 14:26:52

He come out of that relationship a good few years ago, and since he has girlfriends but they've never lasted.

Is that a red flag, do these things not work out?

I'm 25, I don't want children not ruling it out in the future

polkadotsrock Tue 30-May-17 14:30:19

Quite possible that he already feels like you're looking for something more serious than he is offering and this is him starting to dodge it. If you're having a great time then roll with it, you're 25 and have plenty of time to find 'the one' or whatever, if not then move on now, I doubt either of you will be heartbroken if you do.

CheersMedea Tue 30-May-17 14:56:37

If you are 25, then I am even more convinced you are wasting your time. Chuck this one back and find someone who will offer you the stars.

If you carry on, you will get more emotionally involved and before you know it you will be back here aged 35 posting about "why won't he marry me". It's just not worth it. It really isn't.

You have little invested at this stage and I wouldn't pay any more emotional dollars into the bank - otherwise you get caught up in the sunk costs fallacy and get totally stuck ("I've been with him for 5 years/10 years so it will all be a waste if I leave him")

IfeelFloopy Tue 30-May-17 15:04:27

Totally agree with what Cheers said. When I look back at similar situations to this that I was in I now realise what I was really being told is, "I do not want to commit to you".

Despite his fears, if a man wants to be with you, he will.

Isetan Tue 30-May-17 17:04:47

He's set up his 'it's not my fault, I did tell you' defence in advance, classy.

He's allowed to have commitment issues but he's a monumental shit for dumping it on someone five months in, who doesn't.

C0RAL Tue 30-May-17 17:27:12

You are 25 . You really don't need a 35 yo with issues.

TheNaze73 Tue 30-May-17 17:51:44

After only 5 months, most people would be commitment shy. You barely know him

User141665468 Tue 30-May-17 18:13:36

I can accept the issue and go with the flow but I'm curious if this ever changes in people or if this is the way they stay?

He's committed in the way we are quite involved in each other's lives. Very involved in each other's friendship circles. Met family. I don't know if he's scared that it's going quickly. He's suggested meeting his DM and I don't know if he's scared himself with that so gone back on himself?

CheersMedea Tue 30-May-17 18:22:30

but I'm curious if this ever changes in people or if this is the way they stay?

You aren't listening. A man telling you he is not interested in commitment is saying he is not interested in commitment WITH YOU.

It may change, it may not do but if it changes IT WON'T BE WITH YOU.

Sorry to be harsh but which part of that do you not understand? You are 25 years old and too young to be tying yourself to a 35 year old who isn't keen. At 25 you should be dating men who are crazy about you with no long history of emotional baggage.

timeisnotaline Tue 30-May-17 18:39:41

Don't meet his mum. That's a commitment thing. And don't let him get too strong a place in your life if you are feeling committed until he is on board, you need to protect yourself. Being scared of commitment is not an excuse, it's a statement and it has consequences in how you treat the relationship.

cosytoaster Tue 30-May-17 18:52:17

Listen to what he is telling you and walk away.

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