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Financial Pressure from Ex - Should I Pay?

(37 Posts)
ChangChang Tue 30-May-17 03:18:50

Left XDP a month ago, after many years of (I feel) EA. Together 13 years, 3DC. All the time we've been together, he has had me pay in the majority of my salary into his account (not joint) each month, with him paying for things on his (not joint) credit card. House, savings, both cars, my mobile phone, everything in his name. Knew I had to leave for some time before I left, and didn't transfer my salary the month before and have since been paid again. XDP is livid, and insists that I should "pay him what I owe". He has threatened to take the car I'm driving (old, not of much value, he got the nice one), and doesn't agree that I have immediate costs around looking after the DC. He believes my parents should be paying for us to live with them because they didn't make me go back and talk things through with him before I left. For the past few days he has been telling our oldest that he can't afford anything because I haven't paid him, and has been telling me how he has no money. I know for a fact that he has around £10K sat in the bank in savings that I've contributed to over the years - am I right to stand my ground on this, or should I pay? Sorry, longer post than intended!

fusspot66 Tue 30-May-17 03:23:22

What you are experiencing here is longstanding financial abuse. You need advice from experts such a Women's Aid as he clearly still wants to control you through money, and you have been programmed to believe that he is (stlll) in charge.

Want2bSupermum Tue 30-May-17 03:31:01

You need to get a solicitor and speak to women's aid. Don't give him a penny.

Let me guess, the house is in his name only? Shouldn't he be making a contribution to you for the 3DC who i assume are with you?

ChangChang Tue 30-May-17 03:36:30

Thanks, both. Yes, house and everything in his name. I have old debts which I am managing without issue, but XDP used those as an excuse (I feel) not to work everything out jointly. The children are with me the majority of the time, eldest has stayed with him a couple of times due to sports fixtures, etc. but he's not even broached the issue of supporting them.

WildKiwi Tue 30-May-17 03:42:54

Does he have his own income? Presumably as you are at your parents, he has the benefit of living in your house. Also, if the children are with you the majority of the time you're presumably paying for the majority of their expenses and could potentially claim child support from him.

Please don't pay him anything and get some legal advice on where you stand financially, both for the immediate future and long term.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 30-May-17 03:52:39

Put in a claim with CSA
Ignore any comments from him about paying him. Do not give him a cent. If you have a wobble look at your kids and focus on what he is taking from them by behaving in this way.

If he says things to your kids just explain that people who live apart have to support themselves but people who live apart from their children have to pay an amount calculated by the law towards supporting their children and that is what you are doing.

And good on you for leaving him, he is an abuser

ChangChang Tue 30-May-17 04:07:25

Thank you all, it's such a relief to hear your comments as I was beginning to think I was in the wrong. Did get some legal advice about a year ago and was told it would be very difficult to lay claim to anything financially as we are not married, but perhaps I need to look elsewhere for some advice, too.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 30-May-17 04:24:50

You are not in the wrong - he is.

Sadly get used to analysing everything he says to see if it is true or not, most of it wont be.

Yes it will be difficult for you to claim anything as you are not married, but he is required to pay child support and you are entitled to keep everything you earn

43percentburnt Tue 30-May-17 06:44:25

If you transferred all your money over each month speak to a solicitor to see where you stand regarding contributing towards paying for the house. Repairs/mortgage/alterations. Go to cms.

He will say you are a greedy gold digger regardless of how much he gives you. Hey he says you are being greedy as you have not given him your wages this month! Take every penny/item you are entitled to.

43percentburnt Tue 30-May-17 06:46:08

Do you have texts from him saying you need to pay your part of the mortgage this month?

Siwdmae Tue 30-May-17 09:48:44

Don't give him a penny.

Lordamighty Tue 30-May-17 10:03:32

Get him to confirm in writing what you owe, including a breakdown. You can use that as evidence of your financial contribution to the house when you sue him for your share. Don't pay him another penny, he has been financially abusing you.

isitjustme2017 Tue 30-May-17 10:27:17

Please get legal advice again. You could potentially take him to the small claims court if you feel he has kept some of your money and you have evidence of all your money being transferred every month.
Financially and emotional abuse is against the law and you could also get advice from Women's aid - please ring them!
The good thing about everything being in his name is that you don't have to pay a PENNY towards them now you have left. He knows this and is panicking because he clearly can't afford it all on his own.
Tell him he can have the car (if its in his name) as this is just another cost he could do without, so I doubt he will.
This guy is a real arsehole, well done you for getting away from him!

isitjustme2017 Tue 30-May-17 10:28:24

AND go straight to the CSA about maintenance, don't ask him!

You are NOT liable for half the mortgage as the house is in his name - more fool him.

NImbleJumper Tue 30-May-17 11:36:02

You say "DP" - does this mean you're not married? You really need to see a solicitor.

BluePeppers Tue 30-May-17 11:42:54

Go and see a sollicitor.
Everything might have been in his name but if you have put so much money in his account each month, I suspect you will be entitled to more than you (and he) thinks.

Dont pay anything and don't let him brig your parents into it. They have noting to do with it.

Neverknowing Tue 30-May-17 12:11:44

He should be paying you not the other way around? You're looking after his children.
He's definitely not entitled to any of YOUR money that YOU earned at work, he's shot himself in the foot putting only his name on the house as you're not liable for anything.
Is there anyway you could just let him have the house and start again? Then you have no connection to him other than your DC, you won't have to argue with him over the home or anything else.
Is your car in his name? If so I believe he can take it but if it's shit anyway let him and use it in court against him if he tries to take the DC just to hurt you.
This sounds horrible for you, it's so sad you can't feel safe. I hope everything is sorted soon!

titchy Tue 30-May-17 12:25:11

Are you weren't married you would not be entitled to anything from him to support you - however you are entitled to child support - so get on the phone to the CMS this afternoon. Not sure the amount by maybe 20% of his net salary.

If the house (rented or mortgaged) is in his name only then great - one less thing you need to worry about.

ChangChang Tue 30-May-17 14:03:34

I can't tell you all what a relief it is to hear others say that I'm not in the wrong and that I should stick to my guns! He has the children today as I am at work and I heard him tell them as I left, 'we won't be doing much as mummy has all my money'. Hate that he won't leave the children out of our disagreements!

KatharinaRosalie Tue 30-May-17 14:10:39

doesn't he have his own income? What does he do with that?

user1488270932 Tue 30-May-17 15:09:02

Hang on, does he really expect you to continue subbing him every month after you have left him??? Deluded much!!

Don't give him another penny. As you have care of them and iro chb then he actually should be paying you maintenance.


KatharinaRosalie Tue 30-May-17 15:45:37

But what does he think you should be paying him for? I really don't get it. You don't live with him. It's his house. No joint mortgage. Does he think you should be paying for his bills and expenses or what?

Wormulonian Tue 30-May-17 17:30:54

Yes get some legal advice on your contribution to the household and make a CSA claim. You could also check out the Yougov or turn2us benefit calculators as, depending on your salary as a single parent you may be able to get some (or more) child tax credits and help with childcare costs etc.

You are well rid - he sounds horrid and abusive.

NImbleJumper Tue 30-May-17 17:43:26

Does he work, OP ? He sounds like an utter waste of space otherwise.

ChangChang Tue 30-May-17 21:10:53

Work is another sore point. Two years ago, I took on a more responsible / stressful job to earn a bit more to help pay off my debts. Next thing I knew, he'd decided he hated his job and left it! Spent the next eighteen months out of work, not trying particularly hard to find anything, then took a job before deciding he didn't like that and leaving again! And he has the brass neck to call me financially irresponsible...!

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