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Is it ever ok to shout at your dp?

(16 Posts)
Stressedoutmumofone Mon 29-May-17 23:36:18

I have a OCD and anxiety and dp always shouts at me for asking things repeatedly and always checking things like is he ok, etc. I don't do it on purpose

CookieMonster54 Tue 30-May-17 00:36:11

We try to avoid it, but I think everybody sometimes just needs to yell in frustration.

Is he shouting FOR GODS SAKE WOMAN I'M FINE after you've asked him 45 times? Because if so, then I'd say he's probably not doing it on purpose either, he's just frustrated.

Where I'd draw the line is if he's abusive. Does he call you names or attack you? Because that's a different story.

Shouting is never a good thing, but while I sympathise hugely with your condition, I can imagine that being asked the same thing 10 times in a morning could fray anyone's nerves and they might snap without meaning to.

If he starts calling you names though, then that's a red flag.

SandyY2K Tue 30-May-17 01:19:17

It's not so much a case of being ok, but there are circumstances in which it isn't surprising.

For example... If you discover they've been spending the rent money or that have taken the last bit of milk for the third time this week.

The repetition must be difficult for the partners of OCD sufferers.

You not doing it on purpose, doesn't mean it doesn't affect him. Have you sought help for your OCD? CBT may be worth looking into.

esk1mo Tue 30-May-17 02:24:31

i have OCD and anxiety and my DP has never raises his voice at me. if anything, im more likely to snap at him due to it.

FelineEleganza Tue 30-May-17 03:08:19

In an idea world no we would all just talk but yes sometimes people get stressed

It's never okay though, my ex used to do the same for similar things

diodati Tue 30-May-17 03:16:13

My XH was verbally & emotionally abusive to me & the DC. Even 7 years after leaving him, a raised voice makes all 3 of us startle or even cry. I think shouting in anger should be avoided. Expressing anger is one thing but shouting or screaming in (what sounds like) uncontrollable emotion is abuse in itself.

TheNaze73 Tue 30-May-17 07:25:17

I agree with CookieMonster

I generally don't think that shouting in a relationship is good but my ex used to say "you ok", "what you thinking" "do you love me" etc all the bloody time, whenever I was trying to watch something. I flipped one day and shouted at her to shut the fuck up. It was out of character for me but, she was so bloody annoying. Knew we were done though after that, so ended it.

Think you'll end if pushing him away OP

ElspethFlashman Tue 30-May-17 07:29:32

Are you getting any treatment for your OCD/anxiety?

If you are constantly at him, it can be very very difficult. Even if it's to check he's ok. It will feel like badgering.

This sounds like its been going on a while?

WinchestersInATardis Tue 30-May-17 08:16:33

Honestly, no. If you're an adult and capable of acting like an adult, then you don't shout at people, whether a friend, stranger in the street or your spouse. If you're capable of holding your temper in with other people, you're capable of holding it in with your partner.
I always do find it odd how much people defend shouting though. Some just come from shouty families and find it normal. I utterly hate it though.
Things like OCD and anxiety can be made so much worse by a stressful environment and if you're expecting shouting, it might be making the OCD worse, and you end up in a circle. I used to have quite severe anxiety which pretty much disappeared after my divorce simply because I didn't constantly have to walk on eggshells in my own home.
Obviously, that was my experience though.
You don't say too much else about your relationship and whether this is the only problem. Perhaps couples counselling might be an idea? Does he know how much his shouting bothers you?

Stressedoutmumofone Tue 30-May-17 08:41:20

We have dc together and yes I am on a high dose of ADs plus receiving cbt through my GP. I asked for help at the start of last year and my OCD has become so much easier to manage. But I still struggle obviously. I'm a sahm and try to make everything perfect for him coming home, the house is always tidy, I make home cooked meals for him and do most of the bedtimes so that he can relax. I get shouted at anyway

anxiousnow Tue 30-May-17 14:31:04

Like PPs it depends on the time and context of the shouting. Can you give some examples?

polkadotsrock Tue 30-May-17 14:36:54

Has he demanded you do all those things or have you taken that on yourself. I don't think any of that is particularly relevant unless he 'shouts' at you if it's not done. We're not a particularly shouty household, my husband is so laid back I couldn't get a raise from him if I tried, but I've been known to yell from frustration at times and I was raised in a shouty house. I don't see it as a problem as I'm normally shouting about 'the bastard dishwasher' or some such, not actually at or about him.

C0RAL Tue 30-May-17 14:47:30

Why does the house need to be perfect for him? Does he want it to be perfect or is that what YOU want?

picklemepopcorn Tue 30-May-17 15:46:35

So, you are worrying about getting things just right, hoping that will stop him shouting at you? That is not acceptable. He should never shout at you about housework or looking after the children type things.

Or are you repeatedly asking him 'is it ok?' Until he shouts 'leave me alone, I said so didn't I?!' Which is a bit different, and might be excusable.

PurpleDaisies Tue 30-May-17 15:50:47

I'm a sahm and try to make everything perfect for him coming home, the house is always tidy, I make home cooked meals for him and do most of the bedtimes so that he can relax. I get shouted at anyway

I'm not excusing the shouting at all, but doing those things doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't find being at home stress free, especially if your OCD behaviour is around cleaning/tidying. I lived with someone with OCD and I did find it hard.

I hope your treatment helps you. It's a horrible condition to have. flowers

mcdog Tue 30-May-17 16:02:23

I think it needs context. For example if the man can't put a coffee cup down for a minute without it being shoed away then I don't think it's unreasonable for him to snap and shout to be honest. However if he's shouting names at you, or if he's being abusive then it's definitely out of order.

Might help if you gave us some more information OP.

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