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I don't think we're made to last.

(7 Posts)
Bigblug Mon 29-May-17 22:53:47

I'm just writing it down here to make sense of it in my head.
Me and dp have been together for nearly 9 years. We have two children. We got together when I was 17 and he was 20, but we were friends before so we've known each other half of my lifetime. He's my best friend, truly. But we're both so bored. Our sex life is unimaginative, which I think is partly down to laziness, and partly down to being experimental in the early stages but not really finding anything that clicks. As time goes on it's becoming very apparent that we have different dreams for our lives, for example I want to live rural, and he wants to live in a big city. I want to earn money and get a decent job, he's not driven by money, although he is ambitious in his very hard to break into field. We parent very differently. We have different outlooks on life. Things that when we first got together, we didn't really know about (for example politics, I wasn't even old enough to vote!) And now we're both very politically minded, although he's much more vocal than me. We've both matured greatly, and we have tons in common, but sometimes it feels like living with a friend.
Thing is, right now, we're quite happy plodding along in life. We bicker like all couples do, and we have great areas of contention with each other, but for the most part we're settled, although we have a long way to go in our careers to be truly happy.
We need each other practically too. I need him for childcare, he needs me for financial stability. Even silly things like, I'm very phobic of vomit, and having two young kids it's a frequent sight in this house and he deals with it. I don't think I would cope very well on my own. All I know is right now, we're fine. But I can't see my life being this way in 20 years time. But I also can't see how we can change it up. We can't financially do much, like go on a romantic holiday. We both live for our children, and while we do have alot of family support, and we try and go on date nights and occasionally clubbing, we don't often have the money to fully enjoy ourselves.
I'm rambling so probably not making much sense, so sorry in advance.

CookieMonster54 Tue 30-May-17 00:30:40

I don't know if you're made to last. Neither do you, which is why you're posting here, obviously.

What I would say is this: You will never be in a relationship that doesn't involve compromise. Never. It's the nature of relationships.

The only thing I read in your post that would give me pause is the urban/rural thing, because I think everything else can be solved with some work. That's just a situation where one of you will have to compromise. I live in an urban area, but I'm from the countryside and love it. Realistically, because of DW's job (I work from home so can live anywhere) we need to be in an urban setting. So every weekend, we go for a drive or a trip into the countryside, and we're satisfied.

Anyway, I digress.

You can work on the sex life, but you have to work at it. My DW hates the idea of anyone going downstairs, so to speak, where as that was always a major turn-on for me. But she's worth it and our sex life is otherwise good because we make an effort. It doesn't just happen passively.

I don't think your relationship sounds bad at all. You say it feels like living with a friend? That sounds like a great basis for a relationship to me. It's natural to wonder if the grass is greener.

In the best relationships, the people work better together than alone. The political loudmouth has someone to rein him in. The person who isn't money-motivated has someone to remind them that money does actually matter. The parent who's a bit soft with the kids has someone there to impose discipline. The person who hates vomit has someone to clean it up.

It sounds to me like you have all that.

For all that, there's times we all want to run away and hide. Or times we think other people have it easier. You sound to me like you have a normal marriage, and it sounds to me like you're a normal person having a normal reaction to a normal marriage. I wouldn't panic.

Tell him how you feel, and ask him how he feels. Don't make a big deal about it, just say "I love you, and want to be with you, but tell me, do you ever feel frustrated by our life? Because I worry about X" and see what he says. I bet he has similar worries and concerns.

Conversations are the best medicine.

Picklepickle123 Tue 30-May-17 00:45:20

I didn't want to read and run - but @CookieMonster54 has summed up my thoughts so well, I've little to add! Being bored with each other is very different to being dissatisfied - have that first conversation with him and see where it takes you!

Newtothis11 Tue 30-May-17 00:54:09

Sounds like you've got stuck in a rut in your relationship and perhaps day to day too. Maybe a few more fun things may liven you up? The most love I feel for DH is when he's having a great time with DS - plan more outings like country walks, go to the beach, anything really that's free and away from the house will do. Take it in turns to organise where you'll go. Time together is also important doesn't need to be weekends away. If you have people offering to have dc can dc go away and you stay at home- just be boundaried to not end up doing jobs all weekend!!

Newtothis11 Tue 30-May-17 00:54:48

Ps.. the next 20 years will only be the same if you let them be!

Aquamarine1029 Tue 30-May-17 03:54:44

Everyone grows in different ways, and we all continue to evolve as the years go on. You have to decide if that's something you want to do together. Differences aren't bad, but not respecting each other because of them is. So what do you want? I think you should start having a series of intimate discussions about this with your partner.

TheNaze73 Tue 30-May-17 07:15:30

I think the 20's are a challenging time as people change so much. You either both work at this or split. It's that black or white

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