Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Reality check required - rude, not rude?

(15 Posts)
hollowstone Mon 29-May-17 21:37:26

Just wanted to check how other people view this scenario.
So as not to drip feed: I had a disfuctional upbringing where my mother would often question why people wanted to be friends with me. I am reasonably sure this was her problem and not actually me because I do have friends, from growing up and in every day life and I have been told In a people pleaser so probably fairly good friend material. However, I do feel very very insecure (and hide this extremely well) because I can't shake off the idea that my Mum was right.
So anyway! I made an arrangement yesterday with a work colleague who I don't usually see socially (although we sit together at lunch at least once a week and have a good time laughing together). We said we could meet up this evening to do a mutual hobby together. I sent a text to work friend saying "What time shall a meet? Got my kit sorted". Friend texts back saying "I'm at a BBQ I didn't realise I was going to. I feel like a dick now".
I'm not sure how to take this? I'm quite upset as I had been looking forward to this evening. I suppose they must-have forgotten about the arrnagement otherwise they'd have already sent a text saying they could make it? Is it rude? I genuinely find my barometer for knowing what this means is terrible which is why I need a sense check. How would other people react in this scenario?

deste Mon 29-May-17 21:41:07

I would text back "don't worry easy mistake, we can do it next week". See you at work. I would keep it light.

Others might do it differently.

Naicehamshop Mon 29-May-17 21:43:04

It certainly isn't polite, but I would probably let it go if it's the first time it's happened and you don't think that there are generally any problems in your friendship. I think I'd just send a light hearted reply but if it happens again let this friend go.

Patriciathestripper1 Mon 29-May-17 21:44:21

I would take this as rude. How can someone "forget" that they made an arrangement to go out with someone? More like she got a better offer and was too fucking rude to bother telling you,
Now you know what a flake she is don't arrange to go out with her again.

HappyAxolotl Mon 29-May-17 21:49:15

Did you make a firm plan that you would meet up or was it more of a we could, if you're free, if you like..?

It is entirely possible she didn't put it in the diary and it genuinely slipped her mind, or she thought if you hadn't been in touch to arrange where & when then it wasn't going ahead.

If it were me I'd give the benefit of the doubt once and once only. If she flakes a second time I wouldn't invite her anywhere again.

thestamp Mon 29-May-17 21:52:43

It's rude but not a reflection on you.

I'd text back "oh dear, another time then" and leave it to her to make another arrangement.

Your mum sounds unhinged, and you sound lovely.

cheeseismydownfall Mon 29-May-17 21:53:01

I wouldn't necessarily see it as rude - I would see it as a sign that she views you as a mate and feels comfortable being honest - she messed up - using that kind of language. So it could be a good thing! It is a bit surprising that she didn't explicitly apologise but that could be because she is with people and had to reply quickly. I'd send her a friendly reply as suggested by PP and try again next week.

Want2beme Mon 29-May-17 21:54:57

I'd find that upsetting even if I didn't feel insecure. I had a friend who constantly did things like that. In the end, I finished the friendship. I don't suppose there's much you can say to her really, at this stage of the friendship. If it happens again, you'll know that she's flakey and not worth the bother.

hollowstone Mon 29-May-17 22:02:54

It was a plan yesterday to meet up today / this evening but no specified time just a "we'll text to say what time". I've sent a chirpy response of "no worries, another time!". Think the ball is out of my court in terms of setting up a new time. I wont initiate anything now as I VERY RARELY do because of the worry that I'm simply inconveniencing people. Ironic really. Thanks for advice. I'm very attuned to people usually but with these issues its unfathomable for me.

HappyAxolotl Mon 29-May-17 22:04:46

See how she reacts when you do see her next. If she's genuinely apologetic and embarrassed then could be worth trying again. If not just keep her in the work pal box.

MrsELM21 Mon 29-May-17 22:06:09

Yes it is rude but you've done exactly the right thing, I wouldn't push another arrangement, just wait to see if they mention it again but that's just me

Barbaro Mon 29-May-17 22:08:08

I dont think it was rude really if its the first time its happened. If it happens more than once then yeah bit of a sign they aren't bothered. But its easy to forget things, my memory slips a bit now and then and I do forget things. I try not to, but its difficult at times.

HappyJanuary Mon 29-May-17 22:09:22

Don't write her off for one mistake, and try not to take it personally. I'm a reliable person and a good friend, but once made an arrangement with a colleague that I completely forgot about. She text me from the venue and I was two hours away! I felt awful but it was a genuine mistake and no reflection of how I felt about her. We're good friends now. Of course if she appears unapologetic or it happens again you'd absolutely be within your rights to give up on her.

KinkyAfro Mon 29-May-17 22:24:20

I think her response was really rude, even if she did forget she could have apologised couldn't she?

mrholmes Tue 30-May-17 09:07:42

Easy mistake to make. I usually txt people a few days before a meeting to see if it's still on as I don't like my time to be wasted and it saves frustration all around. Swallow your pride and insecurity and arrange it again. If there are excuses or it happens again then leave the other person make the plans with you. Don't take it personally, you can't be liked by or please everyone.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: