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advice needed, end of marriage and I feel trapped

(5 Posts)
Tetley08 Mon 29-May-17 19:52:51

I know in my heart that my marriage is over. I don’t love him anymore. I’ve had a few previous threads where I got some really good advice. Its got to the point where I know I have to end things. I can’t risk my son being damaged by our relationship and for my own mental health I know its time.
He gaslights me. He says things then completely denies it, or says that I said things I know I didn’t. He rewrites history to suit his arguments. From relatively trivial things to larger discussions we have had about finances, he’ll deny a conversation took place if it suits him or on occasion concoct entire conversations to suit his mood. It feels completely pointless having discussions with him when our version of events are so different. I feel depressed and I know I should go see a doctor. I grind my teeth so bad in the night, due to the stress, that it gives me headaches every morning. I’ve started to feel anxious a lot, I have a tight chest and I feel like I need to go home and crawl into bed and never get up. Our conversations and arguments swirl around my head all day, I go over and over things trying to remember what I did or didn’t say. I wish I could record our discussions so I could replay them and see what really happened, am I too sensitive? Did I really say that? He is like a different person around other people. His friends would be so surprised to see how he acts around me when its just the two of us. I found that really confusing at first. I could never understand his mood swings….sometimes when talking to me on the phone whilst he was at work he would sound really nice, really friendly and like the man I fell in love with. But by the time he’d get home his mood would have completely changed. I used to wonder what had happened? Then it dawned on me one day that he works in an open plan office and everybody can hear his telephone conversations….nobody can hear him apart from me when we’re at home so why put on the pretence? He can be nice sometimes and that just makes it more confusing. He drinks too much which is another thing we argue about. Maybe his moods are linked to the drinking, I don’t know because although I’ve asked him plenty of times, he won’t stop binge drinking. I need to tell my parents which is going to be the hardest thing, I need their support but because I haven’t confided in them this will come as a shock. Up until the past 9 months or so I really thought we could fix things but now I don’t thing we can. I don’t know how things are going to work out with our living arrangements. He won’t move out, although he could afford to, he won’t. I can’t afford to and my parents live too far away for me to move to as I have to get my son to school. I feel so trapped and I just need to get this out somehow. I think the next thing I need to do is see a solicitor but even that feels like a massive hurdle that I can’t face….hand holding and advice appreciated on how I get through this?

Hermonie2016 Mon 29-May-17 20:09:08

I was in similar situation, even started to record our conversations as a way to ensure there were more rational..this is how crazy an unhealthy relationship can be.I also thought it was me, but once I stood back and realised what was going on it became clear.When he's accusing etc don't

There were 2 incidents that nailed it for me..I asked him a question (pc related), got backlash from him, dc walked in and 2 mins later asked same question, he answered gently and fully to them.
Another time he started saying I had said xyz which was just so irrational and I knew I hadn't said anything.Previously I had tried to justify or explain and tied myself up in knots.Once I stopped reacting and just observed (don't absorb, just observe became my mantra) it all became so much clearer.
I also wrote a journal and seeing the pattern had gone on for years and getting worse really helped me to separate.

My stbxh was Mr Charming and no one could imagine him angry but it was extremely well hidden.Atvtimes I thought it was mental illness but he was fine with most people so had control.

It's terrifying being in this situation, you waste your energy figuring out what is going on.Since separating I am rediscovering myself as I lived half a life as so drained by him.

There is a way out, see a solicitor and start proceedings.No one has to stay in an abusive marriage.

isitjustme2017 Mon 29-May-17 20:12:47

Hi OP, so have you actually told him its over yet? He sounds like an emotionally abusing arsehole and you need to get away from this man. he is affecting your mental health and your general health by the sounds of it. Treating someone like this is NOT ok and he needs to know that.
My stbxp can be a bit like this. When I finally realised I needed to end things I felt trapped too. We had just bought a house literally 6 month prior and I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't afford to move out and pay 1/2 mortgage, and neither could he.
However, things are working out well. The house sold really quickly and he has agreed to move out until the sale goes through.
Never feel trapped, there is always a way out. Please go and see a solicitor. You can get free 30 min consultations. i actually paid £100 for an hour with a solicitor who is putting everything in writing for me.
Please do tell your parents, I'm sure they will want to give you full support and they will be shocked to hear how he has treated you.
It will be hard for a while but eventually you will be so much happier on your own.

isitjustme2017 Mon 29-May-17 20:14:55

My stbxp used to deny that I had told him things. For example I would tell him I had a night out planned, then nearer the time he would moan that I hadn't given him any warning. I started telling him by text and then I used to get great pleasure in sending him screenshots of the texts when he tried to deny I had told him things.

Tetley08 Mon 29-May-17 20:23:56

thanks for your messages.
I've done similar isitjustme2017 - If I think he's going to deny something I have sent him an email. just wish I could record our conversations...
its so confusing as he's not always like this, but I guess they never are? Im forever walking on eggshells wondering what mood he's going to be in and its so very draining. I just can't imagine the rest of my life with him, it quite simply fills me with horror. And the thought of my lovely son picking up on his behaviour is terrible. I would be horrified if he ever treated his future partner/wife the way his father treats me. What can I do to help ensure that he knows its not ok?

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