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On a scale of 1 to 10 how much of a bad idea is this? (online dating)

(68 Posts)
willieverever Mon 29-May-17 18:17:28

Following some emailing in which we established common interests, I spoke to this guy on the phone. From my point of view, the conversation went well, we got on and he was everything I was looking for -age wise, education, interests and so on. I seemed to be what he was looking for (at least from what he said).

To put this in context, it is very unusual for me to find someone that fits this. To avoid a drip feed, this was not via a main stream dating site; it is a niche interest site for people who have same niche interest. So this was a rare event for him and for me too. We talked about how difficult it was to find someone during the conversation.

I never heard from him again and it was really bothering me. I sent him a message saying basically I was interested/know you aren't/fine/would be interested in some feedback about why. I really was interested because I had no idea. He was single and seemed keen. I was pretty sure that it was something in the conversation that was a turn off for him.

He has replied with a lovely kind response saying he has got things to say but wants to speak. I said don''t want to take up your time email is fine. He replied saying email too time consuming and he would rather explain kindly on the phone.

Having braved the whole asking thing and thinking I really wanted to know, I am now having second thoughts. I thought it would be a few lines in an email.

I am now shit scared of getting upset on the phone and speaking to him and him hurting me badly rather than something constructive. There's nothing in that email that would suggest it but I suddenly feel horribly vulnerable.

Should I speak to him or not? Is this a really bad idea or should I leave it?

lobsterface Mon 29-May-17 18:20:17

How strange. It depends how much yo want to know...

Dancinginthemidnight Mon 29-May-17 18:20:25

This would really bug me so i would have to speak to him to find out why. Its probably not a good idea though.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 29-May-17 18:20:35

Why would you put yourself through that? He made his feelings known by not contacting you. Drop it and move on,you don't need a blow by blow 'kind' account of why he doesn't want to be with you.

lobsterface Mon 29-May-17 18:21:09

How long did the chatting on the phone last? Was it a one off?

pog100 Mon 29-May-17 18:22:53

You are over thinking, you don't know him. Have a quick chat and decide then. No need for so much drama.

FatOldBag Mon 29-May-17 18:23:27

Speak on the phone. If you start to get upset just hang up and the whole things ends right there on your terms.

However, perhaps he's married and wants the chance to schmooze back in - which is much easier to do by phone than by straight talk in a quick email! If he starts trying to wangle his way with you as you seem insecure and he wants to take advantage, again, just hang up!

Nevergrowingold Mon 29-May-17 18:23:46


It would be interesting to know but you probably won't like it and you won't agree with him.

Bunnyfuller Mon 29-May-17 18:28:37

Is this the niche dating site posted about before? The guy that was clearly up to no good? OP, you're not going to find Mr Right, Mr Truthful or Mr Vaguely Reliable on those sites - why do you keep trying?

HildaOg Mon 29-May-17 18:31:26

I have no idea what you're upset aboutconfused

With old, it's very simple, chat, be friendly, no neediness or drama, sometimes people stop chatting for a while and then get back talking again, people have lives and you're a stranger so obviously real life comes first, understand that until you are a part of someone's real life you're just a stranger online so behave like one.

If you're going to get upset with a stranger because they haven't followed an exact script you'd like and real life got in their way of wooing you, then best to leave them be rather than freaking them out with drama.

At this stage there should be no drama or neediness. I put anyone who displays either of those qualities on the psycho list and block... Plenty of man nuts left for you but if you want someone sane and safe to meet then be sane with those you come into contact with.

In this case. Be nice or avoid.

Bigfurcat Mon 29-May-17 18:31:52


I'm kind of taking a wild guess here, (apologies if I'm way off the mark) but is the website based on some sort of sexual kink (bdsm or something similar?) just I can't see any other "niche" interest that would require a separate dating stream.

If so, maybe he just likes getting off on "talking" and there isn't anything in real life.

Gaelach Mon 29-May-17 18:32:39

Nosiness would get the better of me, I'd have to call

SparklyMagpie Mon 29-May-17 18:40:00

Well you did ask, but i'm not sure why? I only ask for feedback on an unsuccessful interview

SuperFlyHigh Mon 29-May-17 18:42:03

I'm not sure I'd personally want to know more...

What niche interest is it?

Sn0tnose Mon 29-May-17 18:45:34

10/10. Nothing good is going to come from this. Potentially, lots of bad things could happen (ranging from hurt feelings, right the way through to getting conned into helping a prince regain his $300 million inheritance).

Online dating attracts weirdos, attached people and disappearing idiots like moths to a flame. What would you achieve by speaking to him? He'll either tell you that he wasn't feeling a connection (which is something you can't change) or that he didn't like something about your circumstances or personality (which is his problem, not yours, and not something you should be looking to change). Also, it's strange that he wants to talk on the phone to tell you why he doesn't want to speak to you anymore; that would raise a red flag for me. Don't get drawn in to a situation needlessly.

Having said that, it can also attract some fantastic people (I met my DH this way). Onwards and upwards is the way to go.

FathomsDeepAndFallingFurther Mon 29-May-17 18:46:05

It's a bad idea. Listen to what your instincts are telling you. You're getting distressed by the very thought of this phone call. Why put yourself through it?

The bottom line is he doesn't want to be with you. Either this phone call is going to be a list of reasons you are incompatible or he's going to come out with some big life drama story which means he can't commit at the moment. Will either make you feel better? No? Then skip it. You don't know this man at all. His opinion of you is unimportant.

willieverever Mon 29-May-17 18:57:44

loster - it was a long phone call . 2 hours or so.
bunny - no that is not me who has posted before. I'm not talking about Ashley Madison if that's what you mean.

FatOldBag- I hadn't thought he could be married. We had talked about his personal life and he gave a believable account (ex wife/older children and so on)

Generally to the people saying "too much drama for OLD" the point is that it was very unusual to have such a high level of two way compatability across everything - that's the issue - so it seemed really strange that I never heard from him. I wanted to know why as it was bugging me and thought it was something I had said during the conversation.

Seems I was right though from his email about having things to say.

user1490465531 Mon 29-May-17 18:59:27

if someone doesn't want to know me I don't need to know a blow by blow account of why not they are a nobody to me they don't know me and there opinion means very little.
Why are you so hung up on what a stranger thinks of you?
just delete and move on.

SparklyMagpie Mon 29-May-17 19:00:40

Well then listen to what he has to say if it's bugged you that much? I personally wouldn't ask for feedback, if somethings not right, its not right and i wouldn't change myself

jouu Mon 29-May-17 19:01:20

10/10 It's not meant to be this fraught. If you are worried about bursting into tears or being emotional on the phone with a complete stranger, I'd venture to say you're overinvested in this and should not be in contact with him. Or anyone from a dating site, until you have a better sense of confidence in yourself.

It's really not meant to be this fraught. What he thinks really doesn't matter, he literally does not know you. You sound vulnerable and I hope you take care of yourself.

willieverever Mon 29-May-17 19:06:19

Also, it's strange that he wants to talk on the phone to tell you why he doesn't want to speak to you anymore; that would raise a red flag for me. Don't get drawn in to a situation needlessly.

I agree. I thought it was strange which was why I posted for opinions.

I can't see why he can't do a two line this is why email.

He has replied to my last email saying:

He just isn't into email. There was a lot he "had to tell me kindly" and it was too much to write out. He also said the fact I wanted it in writing suggests to him I am not serious about wanting feedback ( as did our conversation) .

I assume that not being serious means that he thought I wasn't serious about wanting to date/have a relationship which maybe my answer anyway.

It's all these hints that he has alot to tell me that is bothering me. He also made a joke that he could write a dating manual for women about how to get what they want.

Msqueen33 Mon 29-May-17 19:09:19

I'd rather know. Either way. At least its closure of some kind. Good luck.

Nevergrowingold Mon 29-May-17 19:09:43

There is no way I would give him the satisfaction of evaluating me over the phone, however 'kind' he is.

willieverever Mon 29-May-17 19:09:55

user and joujou - I think I was over invested but because it was so unusual. It's like looking for something for decades, never finding anything even close and then suddenly you find something that is almost perfect.

I was full of hope in a way that I am not normally with OLD or men generally. I though maybe I'd found something really rare.

So yes - that's what is underneath it. It wasn't just a random OLD stranger to me. It was someone who was a really rare combo of things.

SleightOfHand Mon 29-May-17 19:19:56

If it's some kind of sexual niche site, then no, I would not speak to him again via phone. Come to think of it, he's playing stupid games, what's with all the mystery, so many weirdos out there.

There was a lot he "had to tell me kindly" and it was too much to write out. He also said the fact I wanted it in writing suggests to him I am not serious about wanting feedback ( as did our conversation) WEIRDO.

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