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Limerance - any ideas?

(24 Posts)
clutchingatstraws34 Mon 29-May-17 12:17:32

Recently been told D?H leaving me for OW he's only met for 4 weeks while on holiday! Totally gobsmacked. Not like him at all. She doesn't even live on this continent!! He's not seen her since but they constantly message.

Done some research and think he must be in limerance. Apparently when in limerance you're on a high, can't think rationally and can't be reasoned with. Logic doesn't work. Limerance also thrives on tragic circumstances i.e. Short time together, distance etc. Want to try to save marriage particularly for DCs. Has anyone been through this and managed to get through to their OH or anyone who has been through limerance themselves and what worked for them? I just want to have a go at trying to salvage the marriage. Thanks

TheNaze73 Mon 29-May-17 12:21:39

I think it's a term that's bounded about all too often.

There are no tragic circumstances, he's letting the little head rule the big head & in the fall out, he's being an utter wanker to you.

Tell him to Fuck off

Ellisandra Mon 29-May-17 13:13:27

Well, I think it's a "thing", yes.

But when decent married people feel it, they walk away from it.

It sounds like you're desperate to have an outside reason to make it OK to "save the marriage".

Your husband has just been an utterly contemptuous arsehole and broken your trust and treated you appallingly.

To me, it doesn't really matter if limerance exists and if it does whether he's got it.

It's not like catching flu and not his fault.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

The best thing you can do now is SLOW DOWN. Stop trying to find excuse for him or save things. Get support around you and let it sink in.

EssentialHummus Mon 29-May-17 13:18:42

Your husband has just been an utterly contemptuous arsehole and broken your trust and treated you appallingly. To me, it doesn't really matter if limerance exists and if it does whether he's got it.

Exactly this. What would you say if your close friend announced this about her husband?

clutchingatstraws34 Mon 29-May-17 13:57:21

To put into context, we had been having problems before and I'd told him I wanted him to go. Then I found some stuff online that I thought might help us by which time he'd decided he wanted out. His time away was supposed to be a trial separation which I guess he took a bit too literally!! I do agree with the comments and sometimes want to unleash on him but then at other times I look at my DCs and think how innocent they all are. Such a mess and I agree he is an arsehole for doing this to us.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 29-May-17 14:02:52

I think it's a term that's bounded about all too often

I do too,he's just thinking with his knob,it doesn't matter what it's called.

The best thing you can do now is SLOW DOWN. Stop trying to find excuse for him or save things. Get support around you and let it sink in. I agree.

HildaOg Mon 29-May-17 15:55:55

There's nothing to save, he's already checked out.

Emmageddon Mon 29-May-17 16:26:07

Limerance, infatuation, or he's met his true love and will be with her forever - whatever his excuse, tell him to fuck off. He is showing you absolutely no respect. Let him go to his long distance lover, and meanwhile bag up all his stuff, change the locks and see a solicitor.

AnyFucker Mon 29-May-17 16:29:50

Why would you want to save this ? shock

For a start, he doesn't even want to

Let him go find his One True Love with your blessing. Keep your dignity, fgs

When this tool comes to his senses, hopefully you will have moved on and will tell him to shove off when he starts trying to weasel back in

MidnightVelvetthe7th Mon 29-May-17 16:35:26

Sorry to hear this OP, but sounds as though you're trying to frame his fuckery to make it understandable for you & so you believe there is still a chance to save your relationship.

From his perspective you are over & he has someone else.

Use your energy on yourself now & not him, no child has ever benefitted from being in an unhappy unloving home.

barrygetamoveonplease Mon 29-May-17 16:39:23

I'd leave this aside.
I've had it and it is a living hell. If he has it, every cell in his body will be screaming for her and you'll have no success with him at all.

Ellisandra Mon 29-May-17 17:44:24

Wait - that's one hell of a drip feed!

You had ended the relationship, yes? A trial separation is a separation. Had you both explicitly agreed not to get involved with other people? It doesn't sound like it.

He's not your OH and she's not the OW.

I don't doubt he's dizzy with a sudden excitement of possibilities. But you were separated.

Focus on the reason why you asked him to go in the first place. Because with the distance involved once this rush subsides and reality hits he may want to try again with you. And if so, you should be sure it's actually what you want and not just a knee jerk reaction to a fear of the change and worrying about your kids.

mylittlepony6 Mon 29-May-17 18:13:19

Limerence is a real thing, I have been through it and it makes you crazy. The only cure is NO contact and time (which don't really apply in your case)..........

user1487175389 Mon 29-May-17 18:27:13

Stop trying to fix him. Your relationship is over for whatever big or small reason. Time to move on.

Sn0tnose Mon 29-May-17 18:56:53

Let it go.

You'd already decided that you wanted the marriage to end and he'd already decided that he wanted to separate rather than try whatever it was you'd found to try and fix the relationship. Those problems would still be there even if he'd never met this woman.

Ledkr Mon 29-May-17 21:15:06

Just break away.
It's will take you a while and much pain but I believe it's much much harder and more painful to stay with or worse still "fight for" a cheater.
You will gradually move on rather than be stuck in a life of self doubt and mistrust.

clutchingatstraws34 Mon 29-May-17 23:36:50

Thank you for all your advice. The trial separation was just for 4 weeks. I thought it was to assess our feelings, not to hook up with someone else. He's never actually moved out and doesn't seem that keen to go now although I keep asking him when he's going. He's obviously got the best of both worlds at the moment. You're right though, I do need to toughen up. It's all doing my head in but on the plus side I have lost almost 2 stone in time for summer 😀

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 29-May-17 23:40:33

What's the difference between limersnce and infatuation?

I saw a Wiki entry about limerance once, years ago, but haven't read about it anywhere else.

barrygetamoveonplease Tue 30-May-17 07:54:44

Infatuation isn't particularly unpleasant.

Limerence is a much stronger feeling. It takes over your whole body and mind. There is no need to eat or sleep, it's like a psychosis. The whole self screams for the person. No other thoughts are possible, at least not for long, maybe a couple of minutes at most. It's almost impossible to work. Add in to that the sexual imagery, every twenty minutes or so significant porn scenes arrive, vividly, in your mind. One of mine was of a field of copulating pelvises. Other times, fields of naked lovers, of all ethnicities. You lose control of what you are saying. Anyone speaking badly of the object of your desire will be attacked verbally, if not physically. Etc.

It isn't nice. But it is an extreme experience that I was interested, though miserable, to go through. It lasted about three months.

hareinthemoon Tue 30-May-17 08:05:51

barry how did it end? Do you think it had more to do with the person you experienced to feelings towards, or something in yourself, or a time of life? You seem quite self aware (to note yourself as interested to go through it) and it would be useful to hear more about your thoughts on it.

ShatnersWig Tue 30-May-17 08:27:38

You told him you wanted him to go and were on a separation (I never bother with the word trial, you can't "try" it; you either are separated or not, it either becomes permanent or not)!

He took you at your word. Now it's a problem?

clutchingatstraws34 Tue 30-May-17 09:19:46

The holiday was booked long before any of this happened. 2 weeks into the 4 weeks he messaged me to say he'd been thinking about it as he'd promised and had decided he too wanted to make a real go of our marriage. He already knew I did. 2 weeks later he was madly in love. 🤔

barrygetamoveonplease Thu 01-Jun-17 00:17:54

hareinthemoon.
Not a time of life. I think it was due to the person having exceptionally strong hormones (a theory put forward by another sufferer) and to my having been depressed for over twenty years. It brought my life as I knew it to an end.
Three years on, we don't speak. He's still angry that we didn't get together, but he's had plenty of women since.
I've had a very interesting time in my much quieter way.

hareinthemoon Fri 02-Jun-17 20:41:39

barry crikey. That sounds really intense. Life changing as you say.

I am reading a bit more about it. Makes sense of some things, certainly, while not making rational 'sense' in itself.

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