Hi there,
I just wanted some advice regarding this, as I am heart-broken,
So some story to go with this:
My Wife and I have been together for 7 years; married for 2. We are childhood sweethearts, we started going out when she was 15, I was 17. We are each others first love.
We have recently bought our own apartment, I landed the most amazing job with a very high salary and I am only 25. Everything was like a dream: Both have nice cars, our own place; Wife was able to take a less stressful job for less money, as she was a manager and it was stressing her out. I advised she could just stop working for a bit, as I could solely afford our bills and mortgage, but she wanted to get another job anyway, so fair enough. (She said she would get bored with no job).
A little about myself too, because I am not innocent in all of this and want to try give you both parts of the story to try get the best advice:
I suffer with Bipolar disorder, so have severe mood swings. I have been in and out of jobs; however I have been at my current place for nearly 2 years (recently promoted). So I seem to have stabilised on that front for a while (I have been extorting my "Manic" moods to get this promotion, I am more talkative, can think faster, etc).
I have bad moods and can talk to my wife in a horrible tone. (I never insult her or bully her or anything, even when I am in these moods); The way she describes it is: "I talk down to her and make her feel stupid" - in her own words. And Yes, I can admit that looking back, I have done this without meaning to, but I don't do it everyday I would say. Only when I am irritable.
She has endured a lot in the relationship in the past, I won't bore you with every little detail, but the main of it is me spending money on stupid things whilst manic, then when I crash, I quit my job and lay in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself - This has happened on a few occasions and she has been there every time for me.
The past 2 years, I would say have been the most stable in our lives. I have held a job, I can finally provide consistently, so in my eyes the relationship had never been better.... Wow was I so wrong and so blind and also possibly stupid?
We went to Spain last week with a couple of friends who have a villa out there, it is in the middle of no-where and was quite serene and undisturbed. I noticed my Wife was spending a lot of time on her phone while we were in bed. Now the next part of this is bad on my part, I should not have done this: I checked her WhatsApp messages... to find out she is messaging a guy from work; Things like "I really want you but I cant" and other explicit comments, some conversations did not make sense so I had assumed she had deleted some of it. They had pet names for each other (this one hurt the most because it looked as if they really like each other).
I didn't say anything to her, the holiday finished and we came home - last Friday actually.
I sneakily set-up her WhatsApp on my laptop using "WhatsApp Web" So I could see live messages going on between them. They were meeting up on Saturday. She had told me she is going to her Nan's to help her get some shopping and didn't want me to come, she wanted me to stay home and relax - How sweet of her. I asked what time will she think she will be home, so I can get dinner ready and she told me not to make dinner as she will eat at her Nan's; She came home at well past midnight and I was in bed, as I had to go into work Sunday (I manage a 24/7/365 IT Operation, so this is sometimes needed of me). I did not sleep the whole night, but pretended to sleep, I could hear her texting him and could see the light from her phone, I tried to sleepily cuddle her, but she kept pushing me away saying she was too hot. So I just rolled over and continued to pretend to sleep, heavy breathing to make it sound authentic. At one point I could hear her playing with herself, which is fine, but she usually likes to get me involved, and I knew in the back of my mind that she was probably "sexting" this other guy she had been seeing.
So I wake up, take my laptop, she was awake before I left and kept asking what times I am working, and kept asking "Ok so you wont be home early?" - She asked this at least twice, but made it sound like she was sad that I WONT be home early.
SO I get to work for 6:45am, shattered from no sleep, turn on my laptop to check the conversation, of course she deleted all of the "sexting" barring one comment relating to it from her: "I am still wet from last night", which hurt me a lot.
Needless to say I did not get any work done that morning and she was texting him all night and I found out he was actually on his way to OUR APARTMENT the very second I left to go to work. He got to our place at about 06:47am... then obviously the WhatsApp went silent, because he is in Our Home, doing God knows what.
I start to feel sick and don't know what to do. This guy is actually in our Home alone with my Wife. And I can't even read anything on WhatsApp because he is actually there now, so no need to WhatsApp.
So I message her (at around 10am, so they have had over 3 hours together, alone), saying I am feeling sick and I ask her "Should I pull a sicky"? She says "No don't do that, don't get in trouble at work" This is basically when I break down and cannot keep it in any longer. I reply with her name... She says "what?" Then I just reply with "I know what you're doing, and it's breaking my heart" she then replies with "What am I doing?" from here on out i start referring to him, and she says that she will leave and go to her mums, I ask her to please stay so I can come home and we can talk, I kindly ask that he leaves by the time I get home and she is OK with that.
So I get home and she is alone (thank God). We have a long chat about the things earlier in my story, about my mood swings and how she has found it so hard to cope with me. I ask her if she loves me, she says No.
I ask her if she loves this other guy, and she says "I don't think so" However, we talk for the next 2 hours and she continually says she does love me and will always love me and care for me, but I am confused because when I asked her "Does she love me" her response was "No".
So I cry uncontrollably, she is apologetic and says she can't believe she has done this to me etc, she is crying also. I told her I was hurt that she went behind my back and apparently she hasn't been happy since we got married, 2 years ago.
I apologise for everything I have done and "put the blame on me". I didn't want her to feel sorry, because I basically pushed her to do this, and I can see that now. I tell her how much I love her and I want her to stay, but she wanted to go away for 2 weeks and live at her Mums, just to gather her thoughts. I tell her she can stay at the apartment and I can leave and go rent a room somewhere, but she wanted to leave herself. So I help her pack with my eyes drowning themselves. We did not once shout at each other, or blame each other for anything, but instead we pointed out our own flaws and both were very sorry it had come to this. She said she had not done anything sexual with this guy, apart from sexting. Although they actually met up and the guy was in our Home too that very morning, I really want to believe her, but I don't know if I should? Not that it makes a difference if she did do anything with him, because I would forgive her in a heart-beat regardless, it would just hurt if she lied about that also.
She has given me a glimmer of hope that she will come back to me, after she has cleared her mind. After she left I completely broke down, just laid in the fetal position on the floor crying by myself. I didn't try to make her feel guilty at all, and told her it's my fault and to not blame herself. I still love her so much, unconditionally, and there is nothing she could do which would stop my love for her.
So it is now Monday, trying to figure out a way to get the rest of the week off work. My Wife and I have been WhatsApping eachother, but her replies are short and brief, I ask her opening questions about her Mum and Dad, and how are they, how is her Nan and Grandad, etc. I have not once mentioned what happened, but have tried to start a fresh page.
I am so sorry for the Behemoth of a story, and I thank you for reading. The kind of advice I am trying to gain from yourselves is:
- Have ever of you been in this position? Have you fallen out of love with someone and somehow managed to rekindle the relationship?
- Will she come back to me, or is she just easing me into our break-up?(I know you need a magic ball for this question, but am clutching at straws here)
- Have you ever had someone fall out of love with you, and managed to rekindle the relationship?
- Should I give her space and time to heal? Or will this just make her love for me go even more stale? (I have been actively making an effort to conversate with her on WhatsApp, maybe I am smothering her a bit?)
Any advice from experience or even common sense would be very appreciated, as I feel like my world has collapsed and I cannot think straight. Thanks,
Chris