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Wife Has left me and told me she doesn't love me

(28 Posts)
PleaseComeBack Mon 29-May-17 10:45:25

Hi there,

I just wanted some advice regarding this, as I am heart-broken,

So some story to go with this:

My Wife and I have been together for 7 years; married for 2. We are childhood sweethearts, we started going out when she was 15, I was 17. We are each others first love.

We have recently bought our own apartment, I landed the most amazing job with a very high salary and I am only 25. Everything was like a dream: Both have nice cars, our own place; Wife was able to take a less stressful job for less money, as she was a manager and it was stressing her out. I advised she could just stop working for a bit, as I could solely afford our bills and mortgage, but she wanted to get another job anyway, so fair enough. (She said she would get bored with no job).

A little about myself too, because I am not innocent in all of this and want to try give you both parts of the story to try get the best advice:

I suffer with Bipolar disorder, so have severe mood swings. I have been in and out of jobs; however I have been at my current place for nearly 2 years (recently promoted). So I seem to have stabilised on that front for a while (I have been extorting my "Manic" moods to get this promotion, I am more talkative, can think faster, etc).
I have bad moods and can talk to my wife in a horrible tone. (I never insult her or bully her or anything, even when I am in these moods); The way she describes it is: "I talk down to her and make her feel stupid" - in her own words. And Yes, I can admit that looking back, I have done this without meaning to, but I don't do it everyday I would say. Only when I am irritable.

She has endured a lot in the relationship in the past, I won't bore you with every little detail, but the main of it is me spending money on stupid things whilst manic, then when I crash, I quit my job and lay in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself - This has happened on a few occasions and she has been there every time for me.

The past 2 years, I would say have been the most stable in our lives. I have held a job, I can finally provide consistently, so in my eyes the relationship had never been better.... Wow was I so wrong and so blind and also possibly stupid?

We went to Spain last week with a couple of friends who have a villa out there, it is in the middle of no-where and was quite serene and undisturbed. I noticed my Wife was spending a lot of time on her phone while we were in bed. Now the next part of this is bad on my part, I should not have done this: I checked her WhatsApp messages... to find out she is messaging a guy from work; Things like "I really want you but I cant" and other explicit comments, some conversations did not make sense so I had assumed she had deleted some of it. They had pet names for each other (this one hurt the most because it looked as if they really like each other).

I didn't say anything to her, the holiday finished and we came home - last Friday actually.
I sneakily set-up her WhatsApp on my laptop using "WhatsApp Web" So I could see live messages going on between them. They were meeting up on Saturday. She had told me she is going to her Nan's to help her get some shopping and didn't want me to come, she wanted me to stay home and relax - How sweet of her. I asked what time will she think she will be home, so I can get dinner ready and she told me not to make dinner as she will eat at her Nan's; She came home at well past midnight and I was in bed, as I had to go into work Sunday (I manage a 24/7/365 IT Operation, so this is sometimes needed of me). I did not sleep the whole night, but pretended to sleep, I could hear her texting him and could see the light from her phone, I tried to sleepily cuddle her, but she kept pushing me away saying she was too hot. So I just rolled over and continued to pretend to sleep, heavy breathing to make it sound authentic. At one point I could hear her playing with herself, which is fine, but she usually likes to get me involved, and I knew in the back of my mind that she was probably "sexting" this other guy she had been seeing.

So I wake up, take my laptop, she was awake before I left and kept asking what times I am working, and kept asking "Ok so you wont be home early?" - She asked this at least twice, but made it sound like she was sad that I WONT be home early.

SO I get to work for 6:45am, shattered from no sleep, turn on my laptop to check the conversation, of course she deleted all of the "sexting" barring one comment relating to it from her: "I am still wet from last night", which hurt me a lot.
Needless to say I did not get any work done that morning and she was texting him all night and I found out he was actually on his way to OUR APARTMENT the very second I left to go to work. He got to our place at about 06:47am... then obviously the WhatsApp went silent, because he is in Our Home, doing God knows what.

I start to feel sick and don't know what to do. This guy is actually in our Home alone with my Wife. And I can't even read anything on WhatsApp because he is actually there now, so no need to WhatsApp.

So I message her (at around 10am, so they have had over 3 hours together, alone), saying I am feeling sick and I ask her "Should I pull a sicky"? She says "No don't do that, don't get in trouble at work" This is basically when I break down and cannot keep it in any longer. I reply with her name... She says "what?" Then I just reply with "I know what you're doing, and it's breaking my heart" she then replies with "What am I doing?" from here on out i start referring to him, and she says that she will leave and go to her mums, I ask her to please stay so I can come home and we can talk, I kindly ask that he leaves by the time I get home and she is OK with that.

So I get home and she is alone (thank God). We have a long chat about the things earlier in my story, about my mood swings and how she has found it so hard to cope with me. I ask her if she loves me, she says No.

I ask her if she loves this other guy, and she says "I don't think so" However, we talk for the next 2 hours and she continually says she does love me and will always love me and care for me, but I am confused because when I asked her "Does she love me" her response was "No".

So I cry uncontrollably, she is apologetic and says she can't believe she has done this to me etc, she is crying also. I told her I was hurt that she went behind my back and apparently she hasn't been happy since we got married, 2 years ago.

I apologise for everything I have done and "put the blame on me". I didn't want her to feel sorry, because I basically pushed her to do this, and I can see that now. I tell her how much I love her and I want her to stay, but she wanted to go away for 2 weeks and live at her Mums, just to gather her thoughts. I tell her she can stay at the apartment and I can leave and go rent a room somewhere, but she wanted to leave herself. So I help her pack with my eyes drowning themselves. We did not once shout at each other, or blame each other for anything, but instead we pointed out our own flaws and both were very sorry it had come to this. She said she had not done anything sexual with this guy, apart from sexting. Although they actually met up and the guy was in our Home too that very morning, I really want to believe her, but I don't know if I should? Not that it makes a difference if she did do anything with him, because I would forgive her in a heart-beat regardless, it would just hurt if she lied about that also.

She has given me a glimmer of hope that she will come back to me, after she has cleared her mind. After she left I completely broke down, just laid in the fetal position on the floor crying by myself. I didn't try to make her feel guilty at all, and told her it's my fault and to not blame herself. I still love her so much, unconditionally, and there is nothing she could do which would stop my love for her.

So it is now Monday, trying to figure out a way to get the rest of the week off work. My Wife and I have been WhatsApping eachother, but her replies are short and brief, I ask her opening questions about her Mum and Dad, and how are they, how is her Nan and Grandad, etc. I have not once mentioned what happened, but have tried to start a fresh page.

I am so sorry for the Behemoth of a story, and I thank you for reading. The kind of advice I am trying to gain from yourselves is:

- Have ever of you been in this position? Have you fallen out of love with someone and somehow managed to rekindle the relationship?

- Will she come back to me, or is she just easing me into our break-up?(I know you need a magic ball for this question, but am clutching at straws here)

- Have you ever had someone fall out of love with you, and managed to rekindle the relationship?

- Should I give her space and time to heal? Or will this just make her love for me go even more stale? (I have been actively making an effort to conversate with her on WhatsApp, maybe I am smothering her a bit?)

Any advice from experience or even common sense would be very appreciated, as I feel like my world has collapsed and I cannot think straight. Thanks,


Shoxfordian Mon 29-May-17 12:00:17

I think you need to give your wife space and stop messaging her. Allow yourself to be angry about this because she has been unfaithful and you're allowed to feel however you do feel about it.

I don't think you should love anyone unconditionally apart from your children. I love my boyfriend but if he cheated on me or mistreated me or otherwise acted unkindly over a period of time then that love would probably cease.

I think you need to be kind to yourself. Talk to close friends and family. Try to process how you feel and give yourself permission to end the relationship if you have to. Leave your wife alone for a while and don't message her.

If you do feel you can work on the relationship then definitely go for counselling. Proceed with caution though and don't rush into getting back together.

thethoughtfox Mon 29-May-17 13:15:33

You sound like a sweet man. This isn't your fault. She has the right to be unhappy and to leave but she could, and should, have told you how she felt in a gentle and respectful way and once single, chosen to begin a relationship with someone else. I am sorry that this has happened. Please try to accept that she doesn't want to be with you and try to deal with those emotions and move on. You will need emotional support from friends and family and perhaps MH support services. Good luck.

CookieMonster54 Mon 29-May-17 14:01:46

I think you are insufficiently angry, sir.

She lay in bed beside you diddling herself while talking to another man. She then invited him to your house and bounced up and down on him while you were at work earning the money that, from what you say, pays most of her bills.

I'm not trying to be cruel, but I think you need to see this for what it is. It's not your fault - it is 100% hers.

You may want to forgive her and try and mend the relationship. Ok, but here are two pieces of what I promise you is good advice.

First, you need to take time away from her to see if you can forgive her. You might want to, but that's not enough. Embrace it. Let it sink in. Let yourself be driven mad at the image of her doing real dirty things with this other bloke and loving it. Are you able to let that go? Like properly let it go? As in, you're 100% certain you're not going to turn around to her in four years in the middle of an argument and say "yeah well at least I never cheated?" Because if you can't breathe out, let all that go, and be certain that it won't eat you for the rest of your life with her, that's not forgiveness, it's just surrender. All you'd be doing is saying you need her and it doesn't matter if she treats you like this. And that will kill you.

The second thing is she needs to want you. And to be honest, that sounds like the bigger problem to me. You can't make her want you, she has to decide it for herself. And you being around is not going to help.

So here's what you do: Ask her to leave. She should go for at least a month, maybe two or three. You both need time to think this through. If she wants you after that time apart, fine. Then the only question will be if you still feel the same way.

You sound like a good dude. I'm for you in all this. Good luck.

CookieMonster54 Mon 29-May-17 14:04:10

Oh by the way, she definitely rode that fella. A woman doesn't lie in bed next to her husband playing with herself while texting another man, and then invite that man over the next morning when her husband is away, just to have a coffee. So get that particular lie out of your head. She thinks she's being kind by not telling you everything. Cheats who are caught always do. But she's not.

WaitrosePigeon Mon 29-May-17 14:08:04

You sound like a very warm sincere person.

Your wife has been unfaithful and I think you are doing yourself a disservice by not being more angry about this.

Yes, do give her some space. You need some space too. Give her a couple of days then suggest to her that you need to talk.

I hope you can both work it out flowers

CookieMonster54 Mon 29-May-17 14:14:47

In fairness, you also asked some questions that you probably wanted answered directly, so here goes:

- Have ever of you been in this position? Have you fallen out of love with someone and somehow managed to rekindle the relationship?

Yes, it happened to me. She fell out of love with me and I desperately wanted her back. No, we didn't re-kindle the relationship. You cannot make someone want you. Trying is just going to make it worse.

- Will she come back to me, or is she just easing me into our break-up?(I know you need a magic ball for this question, but am clutching at straws here)

I think she's trying to be kind and ease you into your breakup, sir. Ironically, people trying to be kind are often far more cruel, because they leave you with a sense of false hope. That's what you have, and I don't think it's real.

- Have you ever had someone fall out of love with you, and managed to rekindle the relationship?

No, and I really doubt you'll find anyone here who has.

- Should I give her space and time to heal? Or will this just make her love for me go even more stale? (I have been actively making an effort to conversate with her on WhatsApp, maybe I am smothering her a bit?)

Yes. But the space is as important to you as to her. Like I said above, you're not angry, and you should be. She betrayed you. She lay in bed beside you fingering herself while talking to another bloke, and then she invited him into your bed and bucked on him like a mare in heat. Get mad. With that will come some clarity.

CherryMintVanilla Mon 29-May-17 14:43:43

Very warm, sincere and sweet, a good dude?

Did you all miss the preceding paragraphs about his severe mood swigs and making his wife feel bad with the way he spoke to her? You touched on that quite lightly, and I suspect your DW might have a lot more to say about it. I know bi-polar is an illness but that doesn't mean people close to sufferers don't suffer from emotional abuse.

She doesn't love and hasn't been happy for years. For both your sakes, let her go. The sheer level of detail you recounted to us suggests to me that you are going to go over and over this and not let it drop. I don't know if a person who unconditionally loved their partner would feel the need to share his wife's explicit messages online.

CookieMonster54 Mon 29-May-17 14:53:16

CherryMintVanilla nobody is perfect. And indeed his wife may have slowly fallen out of love with him. But here's a guy willing to forgive her for the worst betrayal imaginable, while admitting his own flaws.

He might not be the easiest person to live with, who knows? But he is the victim in all of this. If she wanted to leave, she knew where the door was, didn't she?

But she didn't want to leave. She wanted to stay, and let him continue to pay the majority of her bills, while she got her jollies off some other sap. So I think the OP is probably the good guy in all this, yeah.

category12 Mon 29-May-17 15:03:40

CookieMOnster it's only in the last 2 years that the OP has been the greater earner, and his partner has been in a position of never knowing next when he'll throw in his job and lying around crying for days. She has been the steady one, working in a stressful job up until recently and dealing with his moodswings. I think you depicting him as the great provider "he wanted to stay, and let him continue to pay the majority of her bills" and her as some kind of gold-digging leech is wholly off-base.

category12 Mon 29-May-17 15:04:32

oops cut off the s in she.

category12 Mon 29-May-17 15:11:01

OP also mentions that he is using his manic swings to get the promotion, which suggests his conditon is not being properly managed and of course it won't just be work it's affecting.

OP, I think your relationship is over, and you should probably go and talk to your GP.

PleaseComeBack Mon 29-May-17 15:15:40

Hi thank, you all for your replies, just had a chance to look through them.

Yes, I wanted to give you all a rounded view of our relationship so did not try to hold back on how horrible I could have been towards her. But I never physically or mentally abused her. Let's just say there were way more "Up Sides" than "down sides" in the relationship. I do not deny that I have a problem, but as I said, in the past 2 years I have been so much better and stable, which is why this had come as a shock to me. Also, as I said, she put up with this for a long time, which obviously took its toll on her, this is in my OP, I completely understand this.

I do unconditionally love her, and I am completely anonymous on this site, I have not given you even her first name or any specific details about what we do etc; this would be completely different if I sent that whole story to one of her friends, or her Mum, etc. (Which I haven't, exactly because of the fact that I do unconditionally love her and don't want to make her seem like the bad person in this infront of her friends and family). The reason I am posting on here is to seek advice really. I have no one else to talk to, no friends or family, except for my Dad, who is a psycho and do not wish to get in contact with him regarding this.

I just thought I would get some different views and advice from non-biased individuals on the internet to be honest. I have tried to be as candid as possible...

I appreciate your advice though, I get that a lot of people would just leave, but I cannot. I love her too much. I would literally give her everything, even if she chose to never see me again. But the choice is not up to me, my arms are open wide for her to come back. It is up to her, I just wanted advice from anyone who maybe had been in this situation, or anyone with a bit more common sense than me; at the moment my mind is clouded.

Adora10 Mon 29-May-17 15:16:10

You both need to be apart NOW.

1. Because you seem incapable of a LTR OP, sorry but you do and I can see why she got fed up with it.

2. Your wife has checked out completely and is not basically making a complete arse out of you and you are allowing it.

Get angry, split, if yous are meant to be together forever then you will come back again together but don't pin all hope on it; I think there has been too much water under the bridge to repair anything.

AnyFucker Mon 29-May-17 15:17:18

I think you should dump the cheat and go get some help with your mental health

Don't start another relationship until you are able to not take out your low moods on them

CookieMonster54 Mon 29-May-17 15:23:16

I would literally give her everything, even if she chose to never see me again.

That's not a relationship, it's an addiction. If you won't listen to me, listen to Anyfucker.

ilovesooty Mon 29-May-17 15:26:05

You've been together since very young and she seems to be moving on, sorry.
I'm rather surprised you suggested she stop working as you could afford everything. Did you not want to share her success as she grew and developed?

jouu Mon 29-May-17 15:26:28

Unconditional love is a negative thing in a relationship between adults, sorry. The only relationship in which unconditional love is a good thing is between parent and child.

If you love her "unconditionally", that means it's OK for her to do whatever she likes and you'll suffer through anything in service of that. That would make this whole thread moot.

That's not a relationship. That's a mental health problem waiting to happen.

I think you need to walk away and focus on yourself for a few years. You are incredibly young. There is no need for you to subject yourself to this.

Adora10 Mon 29-May-17 15:30:21

They've not had sex yet she was still `wet` the next day; he's been to your house when you are at work, wise up OP they are in a full sex relationship alright.

You really need to get some perspective here; I agree with above; you sound infatuated but are not really seeing the real picture here.

AnyFucker Mon 29-May-17 15:38:06

Take it from me, op

Women do not act like this with men they haven't fucked

HappyJanuary Mon 29-May-17 15:49:48

Stop blaming yourself. I don't know what went on in the early days of your relationship but you've been reliable and consistent for the past two years, guilty of nothing more than sometimes speaking to her in a moody tone of voice.

If she wasn't happy she could've talked to you about how she was feeling so you could work together to put things right, or she could've left.

Instead she chose to cheat on you, and to humiliate you further by inviting him into your shared home, and to sext him while you lay next to her.

You seem to have her on a pedestal, and maybe you also think you're lucky to have her and won't find anyone else. I think you're wrong on every count - nobody deserves to be treated like that.

But to answer your specific question : I think she has definitely left the relationship and any kind words are an attempt to soften the blow. It happens. If we could make people love us nobody would ever split up. Let her go and retain your dignity.

Albadross Mon 29-May-17 17:10:56

OP this must be awful for you - I remember that feeling of loss so well and despite what someone does to hurt you, your own mental health makes you think that you'd do anything to keep them, even when they have hurt you so horribly. You don't deserve it.

Are you properly medicated and do you have access to treatment for your bipolar? As tempting as it can be to use your mania to be productive, it's such a slippery slope and it puts you in a position where if anything bad happens you're unable to cope. You probably haven't been as stable as you think you have if you've been messing with your meds.

Of course it's tough being in a marriage with someone who has a condition that will need lifelong management, but as long as you were always honest about it and have engaged with treatment and accepted your faults (which it sounds like you have), you should expect a spouse not to cheat on you. I would imagine she got sucked into something because she neglected her own emotional needs somewhere along the line but didn't want to hurt you. Totally the wrong thing to do on her part and I can believe that she probably doesn't love him, she's just looking to fill a gap in the wrong place. Again not your fault.

Often MH issues get easier to manage with time and 20s is a really tough time because you go through so much change just in growing up, so this doesn't mean you'll never find a relationship where support is mutual and both parties have respect for one another. It sounds like maybe this marriage isn't the one though.

You HAVE to prioritise your own health at this point.

redannie118 Mon 29-May-17 18:10:16

My dh has bipolar. Living with a partner with bi polar is impossibly hard. I have literally been on my knees with stress looking after him. His needs come first-always. He gwts to "check out"of horrendously stressfull situations (like getting sacked,spending money, going to court when his temper gets the best of him)while i not only have to cope with the practicalities like how we are going to survive on a day to day basis , but also having to support him when the results of his actions means he takes to his bed or takes a knife to his arm and ive got the crisis team around at 4 in the morning. This of course brings resentment, pain, frustration and anger. This never goes away and even when things are good-you are just waiting for it to happen again, and it will. Everyone on here preaching "oh she should have just left him" has no idea how hard it is to walk away from someone like this knowing you are soley resoponsible for their well being. Was his wife in the wrong to have an affair? Absolutely - but it is not unreasonable he appriciates (and everyone else on here) how utterly fecking hard he has made her life-illness or not.

PleaseComeBack Mon 29-May-17 18:31:53

redannie118 - That is exactly how I am, I ty not to sugar coat it, to get non-biased opinions. I do not blame her one bit for cheating. We have been messaging a bit today, and I finally asked the question: "Should I have this hope that we get back together? As you left your wedding rings here" her response was along the lines of: "I dont think we can come back from this, I dont think I will be wearing the rings anymore..."

So that is the nail in the coffin for me I suppose. I dont blame her, I just hope she will find someone who will treat her nicely, because thats what she deserves. Thanks everyone for your advice.

Albadross Mon 29-May-17 19:08:37

@redannie118 do you have a good support network/treatment? That makes such a difference. I have BPD and ASD and my DH has had to deal with very similar from me. We almost divorced less than 6 months after getting married.

It's hard to be the person with the illness though, knowing it's something you can do bugger all about and that you're causing people you love so much hassle. I don't know what the answer is, other than trying to get the best possible treatment and eradicating all known triggers for both of you, whilst surrounding yourself with as many people who can help take the strain as possible.

OP you seem to have a fair bit of insight into yourself and that will stand you in good stead for relationships in future, so please don't think you're some kind of burden.

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