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He's gone back on it!

(31 Posts)
babayjane67 Mon 29-May-17 10:13:23

I've been with my dp for 10 yrs& we have an 8yr old dd.
I have a big birthday coming up next month.
Originally we were all gonna go on a wkend away with family& friends but then some couldn't make it so I then changed it to having a bbq at ours as I thought it'd be easier for everyone not having to worry about childcare etc.
Then couple of my friends can't make that either,I had a falling out with my eldest dd(who's an adult with her own family.we are fine niw)so I thought sod ithe let's go back to original plan& just go away the 3 of us dp dd& me.
Dp was fine with this at first asking me where I wanna go is there anything I would like to see/do etc.
So I told him a couple of things I'd like to do& he turned his nose up& I said OK I'm quite happy to just have a wkend by the seaside then.OK he said find somewhere& we'll book it!
I found somewhere&said theres a nice park place nearby we can visit that we'do enjoy.
He turns round&says why don't u just have a bbq?I said no I've told everyone it's off now&you were up for it& asked me what I wanna do!he said well I don't wanna be driving here there&everywhere!I wanna enjoy yr birthday!at least I can have a drink if we have a bbq!
My actual birthday is on a work day for both of us.this trip away would be 2 wks after.
I was well pissed off&still am!I didn't spk to him for a bit.
I then brought the subject up again at the wkend&said themail place was still free to book&he just said yea?in a so what sort of way&said no more!
I've been quite depressed for while,having to have time off work etc.I thought this would be great to get away first my birthday.
He works ft&I work pt so he would be paying for it. I know money is bit tight each month but he'd already agreed to it&asked me what I wanna do etc so I don't understand the turnaround niw&total disinterest!
Our first original plan 2yrs ago for this was to go abroad but then at the beginning of this yr he decided we couldn't do that!
Everything seems up in the air about it now. Like he's decided we are gonna do a bbq first MY birthday&that's it!i don't have a say in it!

Loopytiles Mon 29-May-17 10:14:51

You get to decide.

Loopytiles Mon 29-May-17 10:15:37

If he's paying and is unwilling then I guess that limits what you can do, but if you don't want a BBQ don't have one.

babayjane67 Mon 29-May-17 10:15:39

Sorry for the typo's & long post.just trying to get it all down!

babayjane67 Mon 29-May-17 10:21:05

But I don't know what else to do!
I feel like he's taking my choices away when he'd already agreed to it!

Loopytiles Mon 29-May-17 10:22:59

He can't take all your choices away, other than ones he's paying for: just say a bbq is not what you want and you won't be doing it.

babayjane67 Mon 29-May-17 10:37:34

But he will be paying for the bbq though!
I was the one saying we can ask them all to bring a plate of food& whatever they wanna drink& he was the one saying no we will pay for the food!

Ellisandra Mon 29-May-17 11:02:10

If it's just about your birthday, you need to decide and then be totally clear about your choice.
There's no point in saying "is that place still free?" because that could just be conversational and you wondering if it's still an option. Far better to say "can you check if it's free, and if it is - get it booked today? That's where I want to go for my birthday". And any BBQ talk, just say no.

But it does sound like a wider issue because you haven't already just done that.

Ellisandra Mon 29-May-17 11:03:15

It's got nothing to do with anything, who works full or part time.
You're a married couple FGS!
Plans will be based on what you as a couple decide. He isn't paying for it - you as a family unit are.

babayjane67 Mon 29-May-17 11:13:33

We're
not married Ellisandra but we are supposed to be a unit yes.
I didn't ask if the place was free,I told him it still was& that was his reaction.
He is difficult to talk to.we don't really ever argue as such.if I do try& talk about anything of substance,relationship wise or anything he goes straight on the defensive& throws it back on me.

Ellisandra Mon 29-May-17 11:44:34

You're right, you're still a financial unit - 10 years together and an 8yo.

Why didn't you just book it? Don't you have access to the family money?

What are you getting out of this relationship? Do you actually WANT to go away with him, or would you rather split up with him?

babayjane67 Mon 29-May-17 11:48:21

I was gonna just book it as it's online& u can still cancel up to a wk before.
Trouble is it needs a debit card so as he's paying it needs his card.
No we don't have a shared bank account.I have mine,he has his.

Allabitmuchisntit Mon 29-May-17 11:49:32

Have you previously posted this op?

Shoxfordian Mon 29-May-17 11:50:37

If he's generally this difficult to talk to then you have to ask whether you want to carry on with the relationship

babayjane67 Mon 29-May-17 11:56:20

No not on here All.
Yes Shox but it's not always that easy is it?
We have debts to pay off that'll be hard to pay off on my own though I have thought a few times about having a trial separation.
I don't know!my dd is very close to her dad.

Shoxfordian Mon 29-May-17 12:05:56

It's not necessarily easy but it can still be for the best. Obviously I only know what you've said here and there's a lot more to it but you have to give yourself some time to think about whether this is how you think a relationship should work.

babayjane67 Mon 29-May-17 12:16:45

I only want a wkend away for my 'big' birthday!just one night!I don't think that's too much to ask!
Why agree it all,ask me where I wanna go etc then not got through with it?
He says we've got 3 days in London booked in August.I said yes but that's cuz U decided u wanna show dd the sights which is fine but u never discussed it with me just said that's what u wanna do so we're doing it!is had a bbq for my last big birthday&we usually have a few through the summer anyway.so wanna do something different this time.
THIS is for my birthday!I had a bbq

Loopytiles Mon 29-May-17 12:16:56

I think, sadly, you need to assume he won't pay for your birthday unless he has control, so it'd be better only to plan something YOU can afford, and would like. Which might not be with him. And say no to his BBQ idea since it's not what you want.

Loopytiles Mon 29-May-17 12:18:04

Ask him outright whether or not he is willing to treat you to a trip away for your birthday: if he says he is, ask him to transfer the money so you can book it. If he says know, you know where you stand.

Loopytiles Mon 29-May-17 12:18:12

No, not know!

babayjane67 Mon 29-May-17 12:21:20

Yes Loopy looks that way.

babayjane67 Mon 29-May-17 12:22:33

Yes will have to try that tonight I think.

PositiveAttitude Mon 29-May-17 12:36:45

I have read this, word for word, here before, but you say you have not started a thread about this before??? hmm

babayjane67 Mon 29-May-17 12:39:35

Not on here I haven't no Positive.
I've done a similar one on Aibu about a wk or so ago. Maybe you read that?

Ellisandra Mon 29-May-17 12:58:54

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2935781-To-be-pissed-off-just-do-it-anyway

You are being incredibly literal to say you haven't posted it on "here" when I suppose you mean the Relationships section.

You're clearly in a pretty shit relationship and you want to talk about it again - and that's fine. But it's confusing to say you haven't posted about it when people recognise it!

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