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Marital rape???

(48 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Think123 Mon 29-May-17 08:25:48

A few mornings ago my Dh tried to initiate sex. I told him i did not want to. Then we had a fun chat and made jokes ect. Eventually we had to get up to take the DC to school. So my DH roles over the top of me, not unusual as i have to take my time hetting out of bed due to a minor health issue. He stops over the top of me then he pulls off my pants. This is the confusing part as i did nothing except put my arms over my fave and moved my leg so that my foot was on the floor. He then had sex with me. I wouldn't let him touch my breasts and he tried to move my arms once but i put them back. When he was finished i just rolled over and covered myself with the duvet.

I haven't spoken to him since and the 1st night i locked him out of the house. Since then he has been sleeping on the sofa.

I have some mental health issues and my DC are very vunerable at the minute.
Was this rape? Please help me i can't think straight.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Mon 29-May-17 08:34:22

You had already said no. You didn't consent.

Just because you are his wife you are not his property which he gets to do whatever with.

Shoxfordian Mon 29-May-17 08:37:18

Yes it was rape
I'm sorry OP
Has he done this before? flowers

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Mon 29-May-17 08:40:06

You had said you didn't want to have sex; he had sex with you anyway. I'm afraid that is rape, yes. It doesn't matter that you are married; the law was changed in the early 1990s to reflect that marriage vows do not equal permanent consent (which they used to, in the eyes of the law).

I am so sorry. Has he acknowledged that what he did was wrong?

Think123 Mon 29-May-17 08:57:57

I have had sex with him when i have not wanted to in the past just to stop him nagging. I have been so low recently i just haven't wanted to do anything. He is so supportive in every other area it just confuses me.

He has acknowledged that he "hurt and scared" me but not the sex.

LellyMcKelly Mon 29-May-17 09:23:27

flowers Yes, you were definitely raped. I'm so sorry.

TheSparrowhawk Mon 29-May-17 09:35:47

Yes it was rape. When you had sex in the past to stop him nagging that was also rape. You can call the police if you feel up to it, but at the very least you can't be around him any more.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Mon 29-May-17 09:46:55

Yes it was rape. And the previous occasions were at very least coercive sex.

Talk to Rape Crisis and Women's Aid (or your local domestic abuse people - some councils have very good resources). Just talk to them.

Dollars to donuts your depression/MH issues are being caused in great part by being in this relationship, but you need to come to this conclusion via your own journey.

TheSparrowhawk Mon 29-May-17 09:57:05

'Coercive sex'? Sex that is coerced is rape.

moutonfou Mon 29-May-17 10:04:08

TheSparrowhawk Coercive sex IMO is when he never forces it but keeps verbally persisting ("oh come on, I'm so turned on", "I can't relax till we've done it", "you don't find me attractive anymore, is that it?", "we haven't done it in ages") until you give in and consent.

So consent is there but there was an element of emotional blackmail there which definitely isn't healthy either and could constitute abuse.

What you have described OP goes way beyond this. Consent was not there at all. Do seek help/advice/someone to talk to as per others' recommendations.

TheSparrowhawk Mon 29-May-17 10:10:42

So, moutonfou, a man can go ahead and have sex with a woman who doesn't want it as long as he wears her down verbally rather than physically??
If a woman gives in to sex she doesn't want to stop verbal harassment/abuse that is NOT consent.

moutonfou Mon 29-May-17 10:20:57

Sparrowhawk it's never how I've thought of it but I am always open to new thinking. I think part of the problem in my head is that if we said that verbally wearing someone down to have sex with you was rape, I would have known a hell of a lot of rapists. Society would be absolutely full of them. And that thought intimidates me so much, that I can't quite embrace it. One for me to be thinking about.

TheSparrowhawk Mon 29-May-17 10:23:46

The world is full of men who feel entitled to sex and women who feel they owe men sex.

Sex is a voluntary activity and you should only have it if you want to have it, not because you are pushed into it by someone else, no matter what methods they use.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Mon 29-May-17 10:44:42

freedom and capacity are central to the definition of consent, someone saying "yes" to sex doesn’t automatically mean they’ve consented. This articleis very interesting on the question of coercion:

"Because freedom and capacity are central to the definition of consent, someone saying "yes" to sex doesn’t automatically mean they’ve consented."

Consent involves "an enthusiastic, freely given, yes", which is certainly not the case in the examples you give, moutonfou.

differentnameforthis Mon 29-May-17 11:28:14

If you give into sex because a man is constantly pestering you to have sex, you are not having sex because you want to, but because you want him to stop pestering you.

Therefore, you are consenting under duress. Duress negates consent

Think123 Mon 29-May-17 13:08:42

I know you are all right but i just don't know what to do. Iv spent most of the morning in bed. I am so tired. He is so lovely the rest of the time. He helps me when i need him amd has even taken time off work to support me during a recent Mh Crisis. He is patient and understanding and very hands on with the DC.
I just don't understand how he can be like 2 different people. He makes my skin crawl at the minute but i also want to curl up in his arms so he can make it all better. I just don't know what to do.

Shoxfordian Mon 29-May-17 14:56:07

I think what you should do is phone a locksmith to get the locks changed; a solicitor for a divorce and the police to report that he raped you

Shoxfordian Mon 29-May-17 14:58:34

It really doesn't matter if he's lovely some of the time. Rape isn't negotiable. It's not ok and you should never accept it. If you have daughters then he will be passing on his obviously awful attitude to women as well.

Lostatsea123 Mon 29-May-17 15:17:22

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Lostatsea123 Mon 29-May-17 15:22:00

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Optimouse Mon 29-May-17 15:25:23

Lostatsea your post is appalling and abhorrent. She said no for fucks sake. That makes it rape. Chatting to someone does not give them permission to stick their penis in you without your consent😡😡😡😡😡 Op you need to think whether you should report this flowersflowers

Optimouse Mon 29-May-17 15:26:27

Just seen your second post... So now it's only rape if he used force FFS.... unbelievable

TheSparrowhawk Mon 29-May-17 15:30:04

'There is a difference between being coerced/talked into/giving in and having sex and being raped within a relationship.'

No there isn't and I find it very very sad that you think there is.

I find your attitude really worrying lost. Do you honestly think that a woman has to defend herself against her own partner? You seem to think that if a woman talks and jokes with her partner that she's then just fair game - he can go ahead and use her vagina. Why on earth do you think that?

Think123 Mon 29-May-17 15:30:43

We chatted and joked about general things nothing sexual at all. He kept telling me we needed to get out of bed to get the DC to school.

TheSparrowhawk Mon 29-May-17 15:39:31

It doesn't matter what you were talking about Think.

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