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Daughter and her online boyfriend...

(52 Posts)
user1496036124 Mon 29-May-17 07:27:53

Good Morning everyone,
I have just joined mumsnet and I am looking for some advise, about 18 months ago my 20 year old daughter started talking to someone online from America, I said ok and she told me about him, but as the weeks went by she became distant and said he was travelling over to see her, but as she still lives at home we had to put him up for 2 weeks, I of course felt uncomfortable about having a stranger in my home, after agreeing he came, my husband and I gave him a huge welcome cake, banner, food, and lots of conversation, but he barely spoke for the whole 2 weeks, he just lay on the couch with both of them expecting me to cook and clean and just generally become a slave even when I cooked and cleaned and served dinners he would just sit there and if asked him what he wanted he would just stay quiet, a few times I would receive texts if they were both out and daughter would say ' I hope dinner is ready as we are hungry' and then when he got home he would just leave his food and just lie on the couch, he would follow her everywhere and even enquire about her letters she received in the post. Apparently he has thousands in the bank and keeps telling daughter this, well if he has thousands then why didn't he buy himself some new shoes and bits to travel to his so called girlfriends house, I thought he would want to make an impression on the parents, not make me bad towards him and my daughter, I did have words much to my daughters dismay, my husband was getting so fed up at this point coming home from work and having to contend with me and all of this, daughter made me apologise to him and rather than him say sorry back he would say ' well I am not liking my room', what wasn't to like, fresh towels a new put up bed and new curtains and a shower just off his room, he treated that room like a hostel, socks and food wrappers everywhere, I made the bed for a couple of times but just thought what was the point. he didn't do anything, he arrived with the tatty shoes with holes in and trousers he was wearing, just odd socks in his travel bag, did he expect to wear the same shirt for 2 weeks, he slept in his clothes that he wore when they went out for the day, he didn't shower and has terrible body odour, my daughter is a very clean and well dressed young woman so having to see this was just too much, she hates when things are dirty I rode out the 2 weeks with such frustration, I know this was a mistake and that myself and my husband did everything we could for our daughter, now our relationship is under fire as apparently we weren't meant to have words with him, how can she be this cruel when she had known him for such a short time, surely she could see the way this boy was treating the household, when I have family over or go to visit friends I am always polite and realise their home should be treated with respect. Daughter got her self a job and bought a ticket to see him, I am quite worried and the amount of arguing this has caused, we were once a really great little family and I really want my daughter to have a boyfriend someone she can be with who will treat her with respect, I said to her there must be someone here who is nice and she says no there isn't, she is constantly on the phone telling him about her dad and I telling him if we argue with her, she goes next week, what will he be like out in his own territory, I am worried sick and have explained to my daughter about how I feel but she expects me to help her pack all her things for this trip and shouts at me and can't understand why I don't like him, she has bought so many new clothes and new things for the trip, she got her hair dyed and cut and even bought gifts, my husband and I got none of that, I feel I have done something so wrong to her, sometimes I want to leave my home and just not have to deal with it anymore, I am at my wits end and feel so alone in this, will she be ok in America, I know nothing about him or his family, daughter said I am treating her like a five year old and I should just leave her be....

AlternativeTentacle Mon 29-May-17 07:33:14

Just tell her you are there for her when she needs a ticket home. not alot you can do.

You could show her the abuser profiles but my guess is she will be pregnant before you know it and unable to leave the USA with his child.

Completeguess Mon 29-May-17 07:50:29

That's a really sad story and I don't know if there's anything you can do.

I would just say, we don't approve and we don't think he is respectful or the right person for you but we still love you and will always be here for you. Then don't say anything ever again unless she asks.

All you can hope is that she visits and his family are horrendous and she realises she can't put up with his dirty habits and sees the light herself.

Does she have friends and a social life here? I would just encourage that as much as possible so that she has a lot to lose if she does want to be with him.

Bluntness100 Mon 29-May-17 07:59:28

Has she seen pics of where he lives? Does he live with his parents or alone? What about what does he do ,,is he a student or is he working, and if so what as? How old is he?

boringbertha Mon 29-May-17 08:01:17

Echo what Completeguess says.

Not much you can do except be prepared to pick up the pieces when she gets back from her trip. I can't imagine he will put in much effort for her when she goes over. Hopefully the rose coloured specs will be off by time she gets back.

The more you show your disapproval the more she will be inclined to stick with this no hoper though so I wouldn't bad mouth him too much. ..however difficult that might be.

That being said, if she chooses to continue this relationship I would suggest that if he comes over again that they make alternative living arrangements if they cannot respect your home and hospitality you give.

Blisss Mon 29-May-17 08:02:44

Sorry but reading this made me feel angry!! How downright disrespectful!!!
My sister had a boyfriend kind of like that and you just couldn't have a conversation with him because his answers were just short and rude, thankfully she's with someone else who treats her like a princess now.

I hope your daughter sees him in a different way when she comes home because if he's like that living with you then I can only imagine what the state of his house would look like.

I think it's wrong to be feeling as though you need to tread on eggshells around your daughter, but she seems really disrespectful herself, whether that is down to her BF though I don't know but still. If anyone treated my parents like that I'd show them where the door is.

I really hope this situation gets better for you sad

FrancisCrawford Mon 29-May-17 08:04:03

expects me to help her pack all her things

It sounds like your daughter expects an awful lot from you - expects you to pay to feed her friend for two weeks, expects you to cook for him for two weeks, expects you to put up with rude behaviour from both of them etc. In other words, she expects to be treated like a five year old when it suits her. Why does an adult woman need help packing?

You talk about wanting her to have a boyfriend who treats her with respect, but why don't you want that same respect from her?

At the moment you are allowing your daughter to walk all over you. You've taught her that this is the norm for relationships.

How much rent does she pay? What share of the household tasks does she do? What are the consequences when she orders you around?

It sounds like there is a huge imbalance in the parent/child relationship dynamic.

suilaruin Mon 29-May-17 08:04:08

I don't think there is much to do however how painful it is for you. Maybe do some digging online see if you can find out more about him? Just thinking that's what I might do unless you have done so already...

PacificDogwod Mon 29-May-17 08:04:55

You cannot change anybody else's behaviour, only your response to it.

Tell your DD how worried you are.
As she is an adult there is nothing you can do to stop her going, but you can make it clear that you have grave concerns.
Don't help her pack.
Tell her you love her and that you will be there for her whenever she needs to.
I would not host this man again and like you I'd be very worried about my daughter having a relationship with such a person, but unfortunately she will have to make her own mistakes.

Be there for her when she needs you thanks

PacificDogwod Mon 29-May-17 08:05:49

And I agree with Francis - with bells on.

Katmeifyoucan Mon 29-May-17 08:06:07

He sounds awful but your daughter is treating you like a servant. She invited him over so why are you doing all the cooking, cleaning etc. She is an adult so why does she need you to help her pack? Stop enabling her behaviour.

DoubleHelix79 Mon 29-May-17 08:19:17

When I was that age my parents' disapproval would have made an unsuitable boyfriend even more appealing (i had a few of those). I'd recommend you simply stop showing any disapproval (including telling looks, headshaking etc) and inform her that they need to stay elsewhere if he ever comes back. As to her trip to America - it's likely to be a disaster, but you can't do anything except letting her know that you'll be there if she needs. Then let her do what she needs to do.
It might feel awful now, but a disastrous relationship can be very useful fir learn what a relationship should not look like. Without my string of unsuitable bfs I probably wouldn't have appreciated what a great guy my now husband is, and wouldn't have learned the difference between a real partnership and a relationship doomed for failure.

notanurse2017 Mon 29-May-17 08:23:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YetAnotherSpartacus Mon 29-May-17 08:23:42

Call me an alarmist, but I'd be making sure she could contact you in an emergency, had very good travel insurance and knew to contact the British Embassy if she needed to. I think you should know his full name and address and should do whatever research / digging you can. I think there might be a US site for looking up the details of those convicted of sex offences (?). Have a list of phone numbers / places your daughter can go to if she is in trouble (that might be more accessible than an embassy as a first port of call).

SleightOfHand Mon 29-May-17 08:26:20


pilates Mon 29-May-17 08:29:33

Yes, agree with Spartacus. I would definitely be checking his name and address out. He could be a serial rapist/abuser for all you know. He doesn't sound very pleasant from what you have described. I can see why you're worried. Has your DD had many boyfriends? She sounds quite vulnerable tbh.

YetAnotherSpartacus Mon 29-May-17 08:37:46

.... I was actually thinking of people-trafficking into porn ... sad

It happens...

I mean it probably isn't, but it helps to be aware and going OS puts someone in a dangerous situation vis a vis having one's passport and identity papers stolen and it also removes someone from their support networks.

Maybe contact some US anti-trafficking organisations and ask their advice / if he is known to them?

NotHotDogMum Mon 29-May-17 08:38:19

She is 20, she is an adult.

Disapproving and judging will drive her away.

Make sure she know you are always there to support her.

You do not have to host him again, next time he comes over to visit tell your DD she needs to have her own place for him to stay. Rude and demanding guests don't get a second invite.

NotHotDogMum Mon 29-May-17 08:41:38

If she has enough money for haircuts, new clothes, air tickets to America, gifts for her BF etc. Then perhaps it's time she moved out and stood on her own two feet.

You are enabling her behaviour, she sounds spoilt, lazy and very selfish.

metalmum15 Mon 29-May-17 08:52:55

Your dd does sound very rude and demanding. At 20 I would expect her to act like an adult, not a 5 year old. You said she 'got herself a job', so what was she doing before? Does she have any friends she's close to who you could voice your concerns to? Just try and make sure she keeps in touch and has emergency numbers, although I know that's hard when she's all those miles away. I presume she's given you details of where she's staying in case you need to get hold of her in an emergency?

Isetan Mon 29-May-17 09:17:38

*You talk about wanting her to have a boyfriend who treats her with respect, but why don't you want that same respect from her?

At the moment you are allowing your daughter to walk all over you. You've taught her that this is the norm for relationships.*


A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.

sonjadog Mon 29-May-17 09:21:41

He sounds awful but the relationship is unlikely to last. So I would just leave that one and let them get on with it.

But what really stands out is that you are babying your daughter. Why did you run around after them when he was visiting? When she sent you that text about dinner, why didn't you challenge it? Why are you expected to help a grown woman pack for a trip? Stop treating her like a little child. She is behaving like a child, but you are enabling it.

picklemepopcorn Mon 29-May-17 09:23:00

How long is she going for? Take her to the doctor for a contraceptive implant! Save her worrying about it while she is away!

FrancisCrawford Mon 29-May-17 09:38:46

Take her to the doctor for a contraceptive implant! Save her worrying about it while she is away!

She is 20 - far past the age where your mother takes you to the doctor.

Talk to her about contraception, but it is her body and her decision if she wants an implant or not.

picklemepopcorn Mon 29-May-17 09:40:07

Not frogmarch, obviously! Just make it very easy to go.

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