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My fiancé is in love with his ex

(44 Posts)
user1465412577 Mon 29-May-17 00:34:27

My fiancé and I have been together for two years now, and last night he broke down crying and told me he is in love with his ex. I honestly don't know what to do, I love him so much but he was with her for 3 years and although he said he wants to stay with me, he can't get her out of his head. I just don't know what to do, should I leave him?

MissBax Mon 29-May-17 00:36:50

Well I can't say that I would be able to overcome that. I certainly wouldn't marry him. What has made him say this now? Are they still in touch? Why is he struggling to get over her? How does he think you can stay together after that admittance??
I would need answers to these questions myself.

Ratatatouille Mon 29-May-17 00:40:17

Do you think you can be happy with somebody who not only doesn't love you, but actually loves someone else? Why does he want to stay with you if he loves her?

I'm sorry OP but I think you have to move on. This has got disaster written all over it. 2 years is a relatively short relationship. You should be in the honeymoon phase and enjoying every second.

TyneTeas Mon 29-May-17 00:40:22

Read your OP back, I think you know what to do.

Sorry flowers

BandeauSally Mon 29-May-17 00:42:29

If a friend told you this scenario what would you say to them OP?

Perfectplonker Mon 29-May-17 00:43:34

He's been with you for two years but loves someone else?

He was just using you then while he waited to get back with her?

PhoenixJasmine Mon 29-May-17 00:45:53

Well, (tough love coming up here) why on earth would you want to marry someone who is in love with someone else?

His tearful confession just sounds pathetic to this outsider - he wants to stay with you, because you're in the bag and the easy option, but he wants you to accept that he is in love with someone else. Why should you accept that?!? You can do better.

If I 'realised' I had feelings for my ex - I wouldn't confess to my partner and say I still wanted to be with him. I'd end the relationship graciously because he deserved better than me settling for the easy option. Your fiancé hasn't got the guts to do that - he's leaving it to you to end it.

I'm sorry, OP, really. What a shit hand to be dealt. Cry, rage, throw stuff if you need to. But put yourself first. Don't be someone's consolation prize.

Pallisers Mon 29-May-17 00:51:30

honestly, I would move on. Sorry. Being first in my husband's affections would be the starting point of what I want in a man.

Maybe she was the love of his life (although that is such an immature concept anyway) but I also suspect he is a bit of a fuck-up who will always be looking back. Bet you anything his next girlfriend will get the same treatment but it will be about you.

Trickycat Mon 29-May-17 00:52:28

This is really not normal. Perhaps you and he should Google limerance and also complicated grief in a relationship. This is off the top of my head and sorry if they don't apply.
Very sorry OP. This is horrible for you. Put yourself first.

CookieMonster54 Mon 29-May-17 00:58:26

You absolutely CAN NOT marry this man.

In fact, if he's spent 3 years loving someone else, I don't think you can or should be in a relationship with him.

He's a drama queen. He imagines himself the great romantic, the hero of his own story. I have a friend just like him. Run a f**king mile.

Fluffypinkpyjamas Mon 29-May-17 01:04:21

Walk. Don't look back. Find someone who loves you, because he doesn't. He told you, believe him.

Notanotheruser111 Mon 29-May-17 01:05:44

Call me cynical but,
A) he has this great revelation, but he 'chooses' you implying that you should feel some sort of gratefulness, whilst also attempting to make you insecure so you let him have his way with everything or
B) he tells you something completely unacceptable because he wants to end it but doesn't want to be the bad guy. So he makes sure you will.

Anothernewnn Mon 29-May-17 01:09:38

When did you get engaged?

LineRunner Mon 29-May-17 01:12:56

C) He's a massively immature self-absorbed fuck-up who is truly not husband material for you.

squoosh Mon 29-May-17 01:18:06

Get out now.

'Boo hoo I've been with you for two years, I'm engaged to you, but I'm in love with my ex, but don't worry I'm willing to stay with you'.

You can do so much better than this man OP, he sounds pathetic, coming out with this a whole two years down the line. Not on. As a pp said, don't be his consolation prize.

redshoeblueshoe Mon 29-May-17 01:25:26

phoenix has nailed it. Do not get caught up in his mind games - I did and it nearly broke me
run like the wind . . . . . . .

Marcipex Mon 29-May-17 01:28:38

Yup, run now.
He only loves himself. Sorry.

PeanutButterBunny Mon 29-May-17 01:32:29

Sorry to hear that, you sound like a lovely person and deserve someone who loves you completely.

As hard as it is, leave him. He's wasted a few precious years of your life, don't let him waste more flowers

LellyMcKelly Mon 29-May-17 02:06:09

End it. Why would you want to be married to someone who thought you were second best? At least he's done the right thing and told you before the wedding.

SparklyMagpie Mon 29-May-17 02:20:30

Im also wondering when you got engaged but anyway run,you can't stay with him after this

Rinkydinkypink Mon 29-May-17 03:09:59

Most definitely do not get married or have his children yet! If she ever shows an interest in him he'll be out your life so fast.
This will eat away at your relationship. Get out now!

AcrossthePond55 Mon 29-May-17 03:35:56

Never settle for being 'second best'. For the rest of your lives he'll be silently comparing his life with you to his fantasy of what life would have been like with her. Now that you know he still loves her, she'll be a silent shadow over your life.

You deserve someone who loves YOU, heart and soul.

Chloe84 Mon 29-May-17 04:12:05

Agree with Notanotheruser

This has disaster written all over it.

Don't give into the sunk costs fallacy, there's no future here.

Vroomster Mon 29-May-17 07:35:20

Yes you should leave him. Don't be second best.

Bluntness100 Mon 29-May-17 07:42:07

Op you at least need to take a break from each other whilst you both reasses what you feel, and he has to decide what he wants. If he is in love with another woman, then I also couldn't be with him, however for you, I think you need to accept that he is checking out of your relationship and have some time apart

Men don't tell you they are in love with another woman if they are in love with you

The other concern is he sounds obsessed. After this amount of time to feel this way is deeply concerning.

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