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Have I done the right thing? I don't know how I'm going to move on.

(14 Posts)
BecksTheo34 Sun 28-May-17 23:46:00

Hi everyone,
I am new to posting threads but I felt like I could really use some advice and support. Really sorry for the long post I promise this Is the very short condensed version.
I was with my LO's dad for 3 years on and off. He was very controlling and I was constantly in a battle with him over right and wrong. He used to do as he wanted and I was the one getting the blame shifted on to me when he was guilty. I ended up pregnant to him which resulted in me going back to the house which we shared at the time. We had an argument one day and he kicked me out (3 months pregnant). I ended up homeless but managed to get a place of my own shortly after. I had no contact with him for 4 months and the contact I got from him was to call me a s**g and saying I was sleeping with other men and that I don't deserve a baby.
We eventually sorted it out and he was with me the last two months of my pregnancy.
When I had my son things went from bad to worse. Instead of being there for me and helping he would go out every weekend on drugs and then expect me to stay in bed with him on the Sunday after a two day session. I had a new born and had also had a c section so this wasn't what I needed in my life. After trying my hardest to do everything his way I finally told him to leave and he can have set days to see his son as I needed to get on with my own life. He refused and said he will turn up when he wants to see him and he will even take him away from me if I don't let him. He only seemed to want to know what I was doing and didn't take much interest in our son. It broke my heart that I felt I was losing control over protecting my son from his controlling behaviour. When I told him this was the only option he came to my house and tried to kick my door off. I phoned the police and he was arrested with no further action taken. I then received 200 phone calls a day from him at times. I changed my number and he began emailing me threatening to get me taken care of and even threatening me with social services. He had people turning up at my door and I was coping with all of this and taking care of my son on my own.
I told each person who asked me if he could see his son that the only way he can see him now is through visitation and drug tests every time as I felt his drug habits had become worse as his behaviour had changed drastically and this was the only explanation. I also told them he won't accept this as it is taking the control away and he is only interested in me.
When we were together it was all promises and money and material things for me and my son, when I told him to leave he even took my son's clothes he had bought him to prove a point.
I haven't heard from him for over 3 weeks now and my son is 3 months old. I feel like I am just waiting for his next move. He isn't on the birth certificate and the police are already aware of what is going on.
It is really difficult on my own and I am just trying to do what is right by my son. I am finding it really difficult to move on with my life. I feel like I shouldn't be doing anything but taking care of my son , but being a single mum it is taking it's toll. I have a very supportive family which is a bonus. But I can't help but feel like I can't move on with my future. It's like I feel I'm doing wrong even if I talk to anyone. Will I ever be able to move on from all of this? And have I done the right thing? Please be kind with your thoughts, I am only looking for positive advice and support with my situation.
Thank you all xx

MyheartbelongstoG Sun 28-May-17 23:53:08

Congrats on your baby!

You are doing fan op. Could someone cone and keep you company for a couple if days?

Right now it probably feels very scary but this will pass as your confidence grows and you will look back in disbelief that you lived like that. Promise.

BecksTheo34 Mon 29-May-17 00:00:10

Thank you.. He has saved my life in a way my son.
To be honest it isn't about having company, it is more the fact I feel like I can't do anything without looking over my shoulder as he has tendencies to keep tabs on me.
I feel like this is going to be my life forever and I won't be able to get on with it.
I'm trying to find things to do for myself such as having my nails done or going for a coffee when my mum offers to have LO for an hour. It's even more demanding as I'm EBF and I can't leave my LO for too long.
I feel lost. But you are right time is a healer and I know things will get easier , just feeling bleak at the moment.

soosootired Mon 29-May-17 00:15:08

You made a human and are putting said human first. I'd say you are pretty awesome! Hope you manage to get something sorted but sounds like you are going in the right direction, so go you and your badass self 😀

DileenODoubts Mon 29-May-17 03:34:50

You've only been a mum for 3 months and are so strong! I'm so impressed by you.
Being a first time mum is really tough even when everything else is going ok so please be gentle and kind to yourself.
I' sorry I have no advice re your ex but wanted to tell you you are an amazing mum

LikeaSnowflake Mon 29-May-17 06:40:59

I found being a ftm hard and exhausting when my baby was so young and I have a hands on DH and fantastic family support. You sound like you are doing an amazing job. You have put your child's and your future first.

What you have gone through at the same time as bringing your baby into the world is awful. You have done the right thing. You cannot control his behaviour and I think keeping the police informed is the way to go.
Let him do visitation through formal channels
and definitely raise your concerns about his drug intake. He will need to show them he can be a responsible parent with all that entails. Keep a record of threats and report to the police repeatedly if you have to do the evidence is there.

I hope all turns out well and you can live without feeling you are being watched all the time flowers

BecksTheo34 Mon 29-May-17 08:40:32

Soosootired, thank you so much for that comment it really cheered me up and made me feel better.

BecksTheo34 Mon 29-May-17 08:47:31

Thank you everyone for your comments.
My LO gets me through my days if I'm honest. I wake up every morning and he gives me my focus and I think he only has me to rely on. I don't know about anyone else but it is empowering being soley responsible for another human. I am proud of what I have achieved up to now and I just need to keep going.
I have had everything sucked out of me for 3 years. My confidence is shot. But I will get stronger everyday.
I am glad everyone on here actually thinks I'm doing good , I've had it drilled into my head that everything i do is wrong. Maybe I shouldn't doubt myself as much.

IllBeAtTheBarIfYouNeedMe Mon 29-May-17 09:01:22

You're doing great! You made a difficult but necessary decision and one that is absolutely best for you and your ds.

I kicked my exdp who sounds scarily similar to yours out when my ds was 2y and ds was 2 weeks out when he elbowed my ds in the face whilst trying to hit me. He stalked and harrassesed for a couple of months and did the whole threats of taking the dc from me too. Dd is now 15 and ds 13. He messages abuse to me via Facebook every couple of years but hasn't seen them for about 9 years. I look at my dc and i have never doubted my decision. Those first few months and years were tough though. I ended up having to move away from all my friends and family so he didn't know where we were and it was completely overwhelming at times. Just keep on with what you're doing. You're doing perfectly. You're free smile

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 29-May-17 09:03:53

You sound totally amazing, strong and brave and 100% focused on the right thing, which is of course your LO. However, that doesn't mean that your ex is going to go away, and I think that's what's at the heart of your post, isn't it? You know you can rock the motherhood thing - you're already doing it, even though it's hard. The hardest thing is waiting for the phone to ring or the doorbell to go?

I think Women's Aid or your HV would be a good place to start. They'll let you know what support is available and what you should expect from the police. Keep a record of all the interactions from your ex, or his friends. Make sure your home is properly secure. Don't hesitate to call the police if you feel threatened. And don't worry about threats to call social services by the way - that's just an empty threat to control you.

Finally things will move on and you will feel happy again, but 'dealing' with your ex and getting rid of his cloud hanging over you is the first step in making that happen.

BecksTheo34 Mon 29-May-17 09:38:55

IllBeAtTheBarIfYouNeedMe, it's a horrible situation. How have your children acted not having their dad around? Do they understand and question you about him? This is one of the things I'm worried about. I don't want my Ds to resent me for keeping his dad away, but trust me when I say he is completely no good and will not change. I am 21 and he is 36. If he was my age or around, I would probably have held out but with his age he will never change I know that. He said he will tell my son when he is old enough that I turned him against him. I know this is highly unlikely but it still worries me that he will get into his head.

I've been through this previously with him. I've actually got a restraining order on him but he still persists with contact. The police are aware and I've already made 4 statements. He went to jail for 2 weeks for threatening to kill me. When I gave statements after that there wasn't enough evidence according to courts, as he was making sure he was using other means of contact without admitting it was him. His solicitor ripped it to shreds when the evidence came out. He gets a way with it every time. I've recently been shown his previous records and every woman who he has abused has ended up miraculously retracting statements because of witness intimidation.
I've lost all hope in the justice system, I just want to live in peace. If they even read '36 year old man, harassing 21 year old new mum over 3 years' and put it into perspective they may do something.
My HV is aware and social services are aware aswell, they are supportive but in all fairness there isn't much they can do until I have sufficient evidence. Even though everyone around me knows, and the police know it is him. For it to go anywhere and him to actually get jail time my case would have to be very strong.
That is what I'm trying to do now, I'm building a case and recording everything so I can show it all in court and he won't have a leg to stand on. He is so smug he keeps getting away with it.
I'm in the process of getting my driving done at the moment and then looking for a new house. Driving is first as I need a car to get to and from places , and it means I can have a wider choice of where I live due to going back to work in November.
It's a helpless situation at the moment.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 29-May-17 10:27:09

It sounds really tough - but you are still here, still standing, still fighting and it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Agree re driving - moving would be a good idea. Thank god he's not on the birth cert!

pudding21 Mon 29-May-17 10:39:51

Being a new mum is a crazy time, all sorts of emotions and changes in your life. Before you realise it, you will have a 5 year old on your hands. You have done an amazing thing by protecting yourself and your son from his father. Remember and repeat to yourself often, you did not cause this situation, his behavior did.

You are 21 years old, you are doing an amazing job and sound like a great mum, well done you flowers

IllBeAtTheBarIfYouNeedMe Mon 29-May-17 10:41:07

My dc are fine. My ds is asd so he has always accepted this is our family dynamic. My dd did ask and over the years I've expanded on my first response that dad was ill and I didn't feel it was safe for him to be in their lives until he got treatment for his illness. Both of them know the child friendly gist of how it was between me and their dad. I've tried to be matter of fact, not too in depth so I'm not 'bad mouthing' him and made it clear that when they are old enough to make the decision for themselves if they want to see him then I'm fine with that. I just know I can't ever see him again as his interest was always me and not the dc so it has to be when they are old enough to travel back to the town he lives in without me. I look at them, at how happy they are, how well they do in school and life and I know it wouldn't be anything like this if I'd have stayed. If fact my dd grew in confidence overnight the night I kicked him out. She was less nervous, more settled and just seemed happier in herself.

I spent more then 10 years as a single mum just getting over that ordeal. I just concentrated on being a mum and giving the dc a settled loving home which is what you are doing already flowers

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