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I think we've just broke up...

(22 Posts)
BlueNeighbourhood Sun 28-May-17 15:30:21

Me and DP have been together for a year, in a LDR and see each other every month or around that. When we are together life is perfect, we're happy and in love and spend the most lovely few days together each time. A few issues this weekend came to a head, also on his birthday which has resulted in him this morning saying he doesn't think we are working anymore and hasn't for a long time. I've asked him to have a think first about what his next move will be because if it is to break up, we will cut all contact (my decision). Our major disagreements are as follows:

-Dates and times to see each other are not as important to him as they are to me. I wanted to be with him on our anniversary, he's booked to go to a concert despite knowing the date. He cancelled another stay together that was booked and paid for to go to the pub with his best friend to watch the football (I felt so bad as apparently his friend wouldn't go out without him that day so said it was okay). And an issue with an AIBU about the football yesterday which I admit I was.

-We talk pretty much all day every day! Which works for us. But we've both said today we didn't need to talk as much as we are going around in circles and it's making us resent each other.

-Nobody knows about us. It's a joint decision as with us being LDR we wanted to be sure we'd be together long term and get to around this point. But lying to people and sneaking away isn't great.

If anyone has seen 500 Days of Summer I literally feel like Tom right now! I'm the one that believes in love and happy endings and being together and he's created this unhappiness from nothing yesterday. On his birthday too. We've spent all morning talking, crying, going over it. And he's promised to think about things but I feel like he's already checked out.

Does anyone know what I should do now? Just not message him until he gets in touch? I don't want to keep texting when he's out with his friends today as that's not fair. I don't want him to be upset again. Yesterday morning he was so excited that it was his birthday and telling me how much he loves me, and by the night he was wanting to break up. Struggling to make sense of it all sad

SaltySeaDog72 Sun 28-May-17 15:44:38

Oh dear, so sorry this has happened. It absolutely sounds like he has checked out.

Plus telling you he loves you then 'it hasn't been working for some time' / cancelled a trip away to go out with a mate? No desire to spend anniversary together?

You guys were not on the same page. Maybe a few days together every month were a nice escape for him and no more. Maybe he wanted it kept a secret because he didn't actually want to be in a, y'know, relationship.

All in all it's best to rip the plaster off and go NC.

I'm sorry flowers

TheSnowFairy Sun 28-May-17 15:49:22

You've been together a year and no-one knows?

Walk away.

HildaOg Sun 28-May-17 15:52:35

Sounds like he's married, why else would he keep you a secret? Also explains the necessity of cancelling a paid for getaway to go to the pub with his friend who couldn't leave the house without him; wife made plans🙄

Find someone who doesn't treat you like a dirty secret and stop believing everything they tell you. What they say has to add up with what they do, how they treat you and what's going on.

gamerchick Sun 28-May-17 15:56:33

I'm another one who thinks he's attached to someone else. Do you visit him at home?

In any case it sounds as if it's time to walk away.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 28-May-17 15:57:15

Sounds like he's married.

BlueNeighbourhood Sun 28-May-17 15:59:02

He's not attached or married or anything of the sort, I've been to his home every time I visit him and it's lovely. It was a joint decision, one we never argued about as it wasn't something I cared so much about either.

I know you guys are right, it just seems such a switch. In the morning we were fine, by the evening we were arguing and he was out drinking with his best mate and random women he'd got football tickets from and didn't even want to talk to me on his birthday. So you're right. Thank you everyone.

BlueNeighbourhood Sun 28-May-17 16:00:33

All his messages now say he loves me, right up until I stopped messaging him when he went out this afternoon. He says I'm a wonderful person and needs a DP who can be there more than once a month and gives me the attention I deserve. He could've had that, he just chose not to.

HildaOg Sun 28-May-17 16:00:57

If he's genuinely not married then there's a very good reason why he hadn't introduced you to anybody in his life.

BlueNeighbourhood Sun 28-May-17 16:03:25

Guys. The whole secrecy thing is the same for me too. I don't care about that, the same could be said about me because I haven't introduced him to anyone either and have had no desire to tell anyone. We are both very private people and wanted to be certain we'd go the distance before telling people.

LesisMiserable Sun 28-May-17 16:07:46

He's totally checked out and is telling you as much. As painful as it is, it wont take long to get over him, if he was only occupying your time once a month

Aquamarine1029 Sun 28-May-17 16:11:14

He is out the door and down the hall. It's time to move on with your life.

toldmywrath Sun 28-May-17 16:12:26

I don't think the secrecy thing is that much of an issue. I was actually living with my boyfriend (now husband) and I hadn't even told my family I was seeing someone. I used to be very very secretive about myself. One of my work friends knew about him, so not entirely secret.

But OP, this isn't working out is it? I think you know that. Cancellation of a planned event in order to go to the pub with his mate... sounds like he's just not as interested in you as you are in him. You're more a convenient "date" when it suits him. That is not good and it is not love. sad

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 28-May-17 16:26:28

He's just not that into you.
Sorry OP. Head high, move on.

inlectorecumbit Sun 28-May-17 16:31:20

it's over
Block delete and move on.

Brogadoccio Sun 28-May-17 16:37:43

I think you should wish him well and go no contact. Not in an announcing-it obvious way. Just withdraw yourself. IF you get back together again it will be because he's missed you and reassessed. You sound very close but if you 'offer' your connection to him without the relationship you want then he won't be motivated to change.

I kind of had this with a man over a year ago. We were in different cities. I met one of his friends. He never met mine. We talked ALL the time and were so close, when we saw each other we were like bf & gf but officially (he said) we weren't. I walked away and cut contact and he really missed me I know but not enough to change anything. His location, his level of commitment, nothing. He missed me and wanted me back but on the same terms so that gave me all the clarity I needed. So I recommend it.

Tomsdottir Sun 28-May-17 16:43:15

I'm sorry to hear about what is obviously a very painful time for you.
As adults, I think we pretty much get what we settle for, and in relationships, that can be very destructive of our self esteem and self worth.
Do you ever find yourself thinking, "Maybe this is normal/OK" or "Other people do this too" when making excuses to yourself for why you are once again, disappointed? ( Alone on a birthday/anniversary/ Christmas/New Years?)
Your description of a few days happiness every month made me feel sad: don't you deserve more than that?
I'm not going to give you the "Plenty more fish in the sea" business, because a) it might not be true, b)I think that any plan for happiness that depends on a man is doomed smile and c) I know for a fact that you can be as happy single as part of a couple. However, I also think that making ourselves hostage to the whims of another is a disaster. How does the saying go: "Beware of the man who is content when your needs are met and his are not"? The man who resists when you ask for more...
One of the most helpful books I ever read on relationships is called, (very promisingly) "Get Rid of Him". There's a chapter called "Get Rid of Him If You're Always On the Begging End".
My mother gave me very little advice about relationships that was worth listening to, but one piece of advice she gave me I NEVER forgot, ALWAYS took, and NEVER found to be wrong. She said, "Have nothing to do with a man who asks you to take off your shoes when entering his house so that the occupants don't hear you." And she wasn't talking, necessarily about real shoes and a real house.
One of the problems with secrecy is that when things go wrong you have no-one to confide in. It can be embarrassing to go to family or close friends and say that you've been seeing someone for a year and haven't told them or that you've been lying, and now it's all gone Pete Tong. So I hope you will take good care of yourself just now, as I'm sure you must be feeling pretty low. Please consider calling the Samaritans (Freephone 116 123 - I always have their number in my phone) - you don't need to be suicidal, you might just need someone kind and sensible to listen. You can also talk to them online. You don't have to deal with this alone.

Tomsdottir Sun 28-May-17 16:45:26

Sorry: the quotation was "Beware of the man who is happy when HIS needs are met and YOURs are not" confused

SparklingRaspberry Sun 28-May-17 16:55:16

Yes it happens but not EVERY man is married just because they're acting like a twat hmm not all men have secret wives sitting at home, shock horror some men are just idiots!

OP, it doesn't sound like he's all into it I'm afraid. I do not think he's married or got another secret girlfriend. But it does sound like he's checked out. I don't see why you've kept it a secret for a whole year - I get waiting to make sure it was right for you both but a whole year ? Most people know before then even those in long distance relationships.

I think your best option is to leave him alone now.

caffeinestream Sun 28-May-17 18:05:05

The whole relationship sounds a bit odd, tbh.

Keeping it secret for a whole year? Why? I get being a private person, but would you not even tell your mum/best friend that you were seeing someone? confused I'm afraid I don't get it.

I don't think he's necessarily got a wife/girlfriend at home, but I don't think he really sees you as a long term prospect. Surely it would be better to find someone you don't have to hide away in secret for a year?

TheNaze73 Sun 28-May-17 19:24:52

I think you're a placeholder girlfriend at best. Move on

Happybunny19 Sun 28-May-17 20:00:10

Sounds more like a FWB situation than a committed relationship and you're more keen than him. Sorry but you need to stop all contact and try to move on.

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