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can i have somones perspective? (Sorry long)

(20 Posts)
DJPon3 Sun 28-May-17 14:04:31

3-4ish weeks I found out GF had been messaging another man since Christmas on Facebook. She had made his messages silent when they arrived, proving she knew what she was doing was wrong. It gotent so far that he, the other man, admitted to her that he loved her.

When I found out, she broke it off with me, said she didn't love me anymore, she was bored with me. Etc.

Next day, Saturday, she left, she went to a friends house. As far as I knew that was it, we were over. There was no communication, no texts trying to apologise, no hint of patching things up etc. I texted her, got no reply, but I knew she was OK as her FB had pics of her messing about with her friend. Which was a bit like she's having fun, not replying to texts, all I could think was it was confirmation we were done.

The Sunday came and she got in touch and I went to pick her up. She came around to the house,
She told me she'd spoken to the other guy. She said she called him on Saturday but he was drunk. He wasn't anything like she thought he was, she didn't feel any spark with him etc. so she wanted to make things right with me. To me it just made me second best, a back up option to someone she'd never met. She fully admitted that if that phone call to him had gone differently, that there had been a spark etc then she wouldn't be trying with me.

So already feeling like the back up plan, a big chat ensued, she made a big thing about deleting facebook, she text to tell other man she was trying with me etc. We got her a new sim card because he had her number.
But. Whilst sorting her new sim card out, I saw her call log. Turns out that she hadn't spoken to other man on the Saturday once, it was actually that Sunday morning twice. So not only am i second best but it was literally minutes between her talking to him, realising he was a tit and her wanting to try again with me. Considering she said she called him Saturday it's lies at a time when honesty was needed. Anyway. Second chance agreed too and changes needed.

She said she needed to talk more, show more affection, turn her tablet off, actually cuddle and watch TV etc. Make more of an effort at home, wash up now and then, play with our daughter more, on one of her days off she would cook. She went back to friends that night but we agreed Tuesday she'd come 'home'

Monday she was at work, we text a little, I tried to flatter her bit and be nice wasn't reciprocated, wasn't really two way, just me giving and getting nothing back.

Tuesday came and I picked her up and brought her 'home'.
We talked a lot. Changes and promises were discussed, agreed changes were needed on both sides etc.

Tuesday & Wednesday I initiated affection between us, we sat close on the sofa and watched a movie, I gave her a cuddle, I tried to get us talking etc. Her major concern was telling benefits and money.

By Thursday night, little to no changes on her side had been seen. Instead of her putting in effort to show any kind of affection etc, she actually admitted to being embarrassed to hug me, to be shy to show me any affection. I tried to make up for it and initiate a cuddle but it was all one way, no reciprocation, me giving my all and getting zero. Like I was hugging a lifeless stuffed toy if that makes sense. I voiced my concerns again and she said she'd try etc etc. Over the next few days I still saw no sign of this trying though, in fact it got worse.

Less than a week after that, wednesday, she reactivated her FB in the morning before work whilst I'm in bed. So from my point of view her big gesture of deleting facebook turns out to not be as big a gesture or as deleted as I thought. I found out about the reactivation when she shared a music video. I realised it was back, nothing had been deleted, like nothing had happened. We text about it, I say I'm not too happy about it etc. That night we discuss it. At one point I compare it to me getting too close and having an affair with the barmaid at the local, her finding out, me promising I'll never go there again and me then going back there again, if that had happened how would she feel etc. So I'm not thrilled to say the least. Her response is basically she wants facebook, she likes it, so she's having it and my thoughts and feelings are dismissed. Another promise of change forgotten and I'm left waiting for her to start chatting to someone else, feeling suspicious about messaging etc etc.

Next day, Thursday, I feel dreadful, depressed and miserable. I drink all day and fester. That night I voice all of my concerns again, the lack of change, promises broken, facebook being back etc. Basically the fact she's broken us and has made zero effort to fix us. It all falls on deaf ears as Friday comes and things are no better, no talking, no affection, no hand holding, hug, not even a tablets off and watch TV together for an hour.

Saturday we decide to go to town and have a wander around, go to a museum too. At one point I take her hand as we're walking but she let's go, I offer it back, she ignores it, I offer three times and then give up.

Monday - Wednesday there's no affection between us at this point now, no sign of any changes between us or of promises even trying to be kept.

We agreed to no tablets or phones after 9pm so we can watch something actually together, that is a distant memory, we spend hours not talking, watching music on YouTube, she sits on her side of the sofa on her tablet, face booking, messaging god knows who about god knows what, I sit on my side of the sofa on my tablet playing a game.
It seems her biggest concern at this point is about her upcoming tattoo appointment more than about our relationship. I feel like I'm waiting for any scrap of affection, a simple sign to show that she does want to actually be with me, that she isn't with me because her other man didn't work out, that there is a love still there. None is forth coming.

Thursday and we go to the park in for a family afternoon out. There's a lovely garden there, we walk around, our Daughter is excited to see the gardens and flowers etc. I try to spark conversation between cat and I a few times, I get little more than single word responses,
"Are you enjoying the day?"
"Shall we go to the play ground next? bab likes the play ground here"
"There's a cafe here, we could have ice cream if you fancy it?"
So on and so on. The over riding feeling is basically she's there in body but her spirit and mind are elsewhere. So I stop trying to talk and focus on our daughter instead.

That night I'm lying in bed in the dark, she’s turned her back to me and I think about the day and realise that we hadn't shown each other a single sign of affection that day. Not a hand hold, a hug, a kiss or even any particularly kind words.
I struggle to remember the last time that we had been 'nice' to each other and struggle more to recall a time when she has shown me any love, affection, desire etc. At a time when we are broken I feel like I've been the only one who cares, the only one to initiate talks, contact. Etc.

Friday morning comes. Our daughter is off at school and I basically say,
"You know our relationship is fucked right?"
There was no denial, no fight, no passion, just agreement.
She admits that she only came back after she left because of our daughter. She admits she knows she's made no effort and she doesn't know why she hasn’t. There's basically no fight, no promises of change, no apologies etc. just basic agreement and acceptance that things have gone too far etc. We plan a way forward, we go buy a spare bed for the back room, she applies for housing and try to stay friends.

At one point on that night it occurred to me that it's probably the most we've laughed together for a long time. Like a weight had been lifted, an atmosphere had been cleared.

Today things are different, shes texting and begging for another chance. Saying things can be different. I don’t thin kthey can, I think the time for effort and change has passed and that if there was anything worth saving, id have seen it by now.

Does that sound like I’m being selfish, stubborn and unreasonable?
Really is long, sorry.

user1495707114 Sun 28-May-17 14:06:12

You don't seem to have much self esteem. She is treating you like an absolute mug. Please don't get back with her.

DJPon3 Sun 28-May-17 14:08:15

She is treating you like an absolute mug

I think youre right sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 28-May-17 14:11:06

Do not get back with this woman ever.

Love your own self for a change.

hesterton Sun 28-May-17 14:11:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SherlockStones Sun 28-May-17 14:13:14

She's no good for you and this won't be the last time it happens.

It will be difficult but you need to leave and find someone that likes you as much as you like them, don't settle for this lame excuse for a relationship you're not happy and being taken advantage of.

hesterton Sun 28-May-17 14:13:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 28-May-17 14:17:21

Your relationship is over. . She tried to use another man as an excuse to leave but it backfired. . She came home as maybe she can't go it alone for whatever reason. .
Help her sort out a new address, then you can concentrate on being good parents but in 2 homes.

DJPon3 Sun 28-May-17 14:25:45

Thanks all.

lynmilne65 Sun 28-May-17 14:28:17

Quite agree from an older person!

Girlywurly Sun 28-May-17 14:38:32

You've seen for yourself that's she's prepared to do next to nothing to make your relationship work.

I'd have thought your efforts would be best spent in coming to some kind of reasonable, amicable settlement as regards how your DD is cared for from here on.

YoLoZammo Sun 28-May-17 14:39:08

TBH you sound a bit needy and smothering. And drinking all day then confronting her? No mention of how arseholey you may have come across. Nobody raises issues with their partner while drunk in a calm and rational way. Just accept there is no love there and you need to let the relationship go and focus in being a good dad. Sorry if that feels harsh. Best of luck.

pop000 Sun 28-May-17 14:44:57

I don't think you sound needy or smothering at all- I think you sound neglected, wanting to feel loved by your significant other is perfectly normal. She sounds very confused. I think she probably is scared of being alone and maybe she's now realised that the decision is not only hers. You're speaking up and having a voice and seemed to have gained some self respect which probably scares the shit out of her that you won't always be her "backup" plan if the next relationship fails.

BubblingUp Sun 28-May-17 14:54:47

She's looking for a new man to jump to.

SparklyMagpie Sun 28-May-17 14:55:02

Leave it and move on OP. I understand you love her but i can't believe you took her back when it was obvious you were second best

HildaOg Sun 28-May-17 15:01:16

There are plenty of lovely, kind, honest, genuine women out there who would love to meet someone who will love them and treat them well. Find someone you deserve, someone who will love you and be good to you. You are better than her.

user1474439326 Sun 28-May-17 18:00:18

Unfortunately it sounds like she wants it fall back into place but isn't making the effort and was just hoping you could plod along. I guess with children involved it is always advisable to try and not to let things go at the first hurdle so to speak, but it seems as if , for both of you, this isn't the right thing to do anymore.
It will be very sad and hard to let go when the will is there, but wouldn't you rather your daughter grew up seeing her 'examples' display love and affection?
Good luck and I hope you can move on xx

grungeneverdied Sun 28-May-17 18:13:29

Meet a woman who generally is interested in you, wants to show you affection. Why waste your time with someone who doesn't put in effort. Won't even hug or kiss you. No chance, coming from another bloke duck out and stay out plenty more woman who will give you their all mate

AnyFucker Sun 28-May-17 18:17:42

You sound like a complete doormat

Bin her off permanently for christs sake

Cary2012 Sun 28-May-17 18:30:04

Your final question is 'Am I being selfish, stubborn or unreasonable?" And the answer is of course not.

But you are watering a plant long after it has withered and died.

Your DD has to take priority, so keep things amicable and do your best to joint parent her.

After doing all you can for DD, detach from your partner, for whatever reason she's dithering, perhaps scared to be alone, but that's not your problem. I guarantee that if you reconcile, she will do this again and again.

Make the break, look to the future. I wish you well.

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