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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

AIBU husband never talks

57 replies

speakyourmindkindagirl · 28/05/2017 11:28

So, every time I seem to sit down, casually bring up a conversation about a recent topic, concern, thought on anything whether a it's something on the news, maybe my feelings, something to do with the kids, plans for the future, things to get excited about etc my husband always seems to shut me up.
He will briefly listen, but not offer a lot back, or get into a proper in depth chat with me and show enthusiasm or anything, but instead he will say something like, "let's not talk about this now", or "it's not the right time to talk about this" or "I don't really want to have a conversation about that at the moment". He will also, if I have an opinion or concern about something he will tell me I'm being silly, stop worrying, etc just never offers anything with any substance back. I feel like I'm in a box, the lid opens and I talk then he shuts the lid down again! It drives me nuts and I feel I've gone a little introvert and quieter in the house than I normally am as I just feel doesn't value or appreciate anything I have to say, so what's the point in me talking? He shows great interest in his own affairs and has enthusiasm when talking to friends about topics but when it's me it's different, like he can't be bothered. I crave for a good, adult conversation, share opinions and ideas, his thoughts on certain things, be passionate about things going on in the world, what our kids have been up to etc. If I react and tell him how he makes me feel he always turns it around and makes the issue about me reacting so to steer it away from him, so it turns into an argument as I get frustrated and then he just sits there and sulks, plays the victim and makes me out to be the perpetrator. He does this a lot! He is very driven and successful with work and it seems that's where all his energy goes. What do you think?

OP posts:

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MrsDc7 · 28/05/2017 11:31

That sounds rubbish mate. I couldn't be with someone like that. If I were you I'd leave before your self esteem has gone

ImperialBlether · 28/05/2017 11:31

What's the point of him, exactly?! It must be horrible to be treated like this. How does he communicate with your children?

Whisky2014 · 28/05/2017 11:33

I think he's a twat!

MadAsFluff · 28/05/2017 11:34

I'm sorry speak this sounds very hard to live with. Is it a recent thing or has he always been like this? His other behaviour around this as well does sound as if he's quite self absorbed

ImperialBlether · 28/05/2017 11:36

Please don't think you can change this man. You've written nothing to suggest that could happen.

speakyourmindkindagirl · 28/05/2017 11:40

He does and is a great Dad, very sociable, good circle of friends. Our kids are 3 & 4, and I've asked him to elaborate more when they ask a question or point something out, not just say yes, no, or a one sentence answer but to explain it to them, teach them and offer them something back with substance. I love him dearly don't get me wrong, we have a very good life but I think he doesn't know how to communicate properly. Last night I brought up the Manchester incident, it is very close to home for me and I felt I wanted to talk about my concerns, feelings but he said it wasn't the right time and blamed me for getting on my high horse about it but I wanted to, I wanted him to tell me what he thought and add something to the conversation, reassurance, empathy, tell me what he thinks etc but no, he shut me up and we had a barny as I got frustrated!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 28/05/2017 11:48

How is he a great dad if he shuts you down when you want to talk about them?

ImperialBlether · 28/05/2017 11:49

And why do you love him when he shows absolutely no interest in you?

user1483644229 · 28/05/2017 12:03

I have been told I am like this and I am female. For me, I work and I am a mother. I don't have much time to myself. In fact I am never ever alone not for one second. I am happy to chat to my husband but most nights I am not keen for a long philosophical discussion on any topic. I think it's fair to want some time to rest after a long day. I notice I am more up for chat on weekends. Don't know if this helps but I think there are two sides to every story and people saying this guy is horrible are being a bit harsh. Sometimes I feel invaded and get stressed when I don't get any quiet time. I don't think I am a bad person for wanting this? He's probably knackered.

ImperialBlether · 28/05/2017 12:06

I don't think that's what the OP is saying about her husband, though, User. He enjoys talking about what he wants to talk - when she wants to contribute or to start up her own topic of conversation, he shuts her down.

user1483644229 · 28/05/2017 12:08

Yes I re-read and the one sidedness is not great and do understand that that needs to be addressed. Yes I do agree with you there.

speakyourmindkindagirl · 28/05/2017 12:12

User1483 - thank you, he's a lovely guy, funny, generous and loving just not a talker and I am! I just struggle with it and get passionate about things sometimes so when he offers nothing big back it's frustrating. We've been together 12 years and his family are similar, they are quite introvert and never communicate with each other if someone's upset someone, but they just bottle it up and so to avoid confrontation. I'm very open and honest, I like to get things off my chest and put them to bed but he's the opposite so I think it runs in the family but in a bad way. They also however are very self centered.

OP posts:

Brogadoccio · 28/05/2017 12:13

It sounds AWFUL.

I dated a man once but after we'd kind of swapped life stories and then told each other our 'week', I felt like I was trying to poke the conversational hornets nest sometimes. I'd have to ask him what he thought about things and he'd reply that it was better not to analyse that. Or tell me that I thought ''too much''.

When he told me I thought too much I checked out because I definitely don't think about things more than a normal person and if I did, how is that bad . It said to me that he didn't want a partner who thought about things. He would have preferred a woman who did not think about things. Okeydokey.

Brogadoccio · 28/05/2017 12:15

ps, don't confuse this for being an introvert.

I've a male friend INFP (so introvert) and he may not be in top form in a room of 20 people but one to one you can't shut him up.

Brogadoccio · 28/05/2017 12:18

If I understand, although I'm Enfj, so extrovert, introverted means less likely than an extrovert to approach strangers, initiate conversations, less likely to enjoy parties. But it does not mean less likely to have thoughts, less likely to enjoy conversation, less likely to want to connect with another person. I often end up with friends who have an Ixxx personality type and they do enjoy sharing thoughts, listening to thoughts.

Brogadoccio · 28/05/2017 12:19

in fact, most of the most deeply felt connections i've had over the last few years have been with introverts.

BinG0wings123 · 28/05/2017 14:45

My h was/is the same.

Turns out he just doesn't like me all that much.
He admitted it to me. Finds what I say boring.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 28/05/2017 14:49

Another post from a poster unhappy about their DH that states ''but he's a great father'' why do they always say this?!

That's really awful wings123 I am sorry

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2017 14:54

They write such denial to themselves along the lines of "he is a good father" purely and simply because they can themselves say nothing positive about their man. As again is the case in speakyourmind's post.

What is he is showing you speak is learnt behaviour; his family of origin are the exact same. What are you getting out of this relationship now OP, just what is keeping you within this at all?. It sounds utterly miserable for you and in turn your children who will pick up on and learn from you both.

BubblingUp · 28/05/2017 14:56

It doesn't sound like he respects you or even likes you. Was he like this while dating?

Hermonie2016 · 28/05/2017 15:24

Does he share this thoughts and feelings with you?

By shutting you down he is breaking the connection..have at read of Gottman studies on successful marriages, the happiest marriages are those where partners acknowledge each other regularly.
Ignoring you or closing you down is the opposite.

I suspect he feels he doesn't have to try with you (as he does with colleagues) and sadly a reflection of his commitment to your marriage.
He could be drained but I don't think his behaviour would be as consistent and you would notice a different pattern at weekends and holidays.

Allofaflumble · 28/05/2017 15:40

I was with someone like this and it is soul destroying. He used to say he wished he could remove all the thoughts from my head! In the end I had to finish it. Exchange of information, a really good chat and some empathising are what makes me tick.

I would either shrink it myself or feel like picking a row to get some energy flowing. It can't be easy though for you when you have children to consider but you deserve some happiness too.

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Joysmum · 28/05/2017 15:46

How about answering with 'No, I have needs too and I need to talk'. Have you done this? What was the response.

If you get a rejection of a direct expression of your needs, I'd say it would be worth considering that being with him means you'll never be with someone that is good for you.

Gracielaw · 28/05/2017 20:13

sounds like I could have written this ! I tried to say to my dh the other night that I generally get 2 responses from him, yes, no and I got told I was wrong and that we talk all the time.
Not all about quantity - need quality !!!!

BluePeppers · 28/05/2017 20:26

DH is the same but the main difference is that he will not shut me up the way your DH does.
And that's what would REALLY annoy me. To be 'put back in your box' as you said because it's unkind and disrespectful.

The one thing that is coming to my mind is whether he actually likes you at all TBH :(

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