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Another form of Self Harm

(22 Posts)
NurseButtercup Sun 28-May-17 11:06:10

I very recently met a man via OLD. We get along but he made it clear he just wanted FWB and I wanted a relationship. So we agreed to just be friends, we occasionally chat and have a laugh and that's it.

Yesterday, out of the blue he sent me a message saying he's got no clothes left. When I asked why the following all came out: About 12-18months ago he met a woman via OLD and fell head over heels in love with her. At the time he was unhappy in his relationship. He never ever met this woman. They chatted over the phone, exchanged texts etc. It was an emotional affair they never met, kissed, touched or had sex. It's now a year later, his relationship has ended but he's still in love with the lady he had an emotional affair with. But he knows he'll never meet her because she's in a relationship that she won't end. So basically she didn't choose my friend. He doesn't know how to let go of this woman and move on so that he can develop new, relationships.

His outlet for his hurt and anger is to destroy his clothes. Lot's of very expensive designer clothes. He works long, crazy hours so he can buy these clothes. And then destroys them. He describes this as another form of self harming. He refuses to see a counsellor.

My self preservation instinct is telling me to run. But the good Samaritan in me is saying I should do something because he confided in me, I just don't know what.

Sorry for the long post.
Can anybody advise?

ChickenBhuna Sun 28-May-17 11:10:44

Your first instinct was right. change your phone number!

What do you get from interactions with him?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Sun 28-May-17 11:13:04

Jesus, get your expensive designer trainers on and run like the wind!

category12 Sun 28-May-17 11:18:28

I'd tell him again to seek help and bow out. You can't fix him.

NurseButtercup Sun 28-May-17 11:20:54

We met for drinks about 6 weeks ago and the deal breaker was him wanting fwb. I said no thanks. But he asked if he could keep in touch as mates. He only told me yesterday, prior to that we just used to have a laugh and a joke. Nothing heavy or deep.

Great user name by the way grin and perfectly sums up this revelation as well!

AnyFucker Sun 28-May-17 11:23:32

Do you have form for trying to fix lost causes ?

Stay the fuck away. No one needs this drama in their lives and you seem ready to positively invite it in

Give yourself a shake

NurseButtercup Sun 28-May-17 11:26:21

ChickenBhuna catergory12

I'm not going to change my number because of the inconvenience. But I'll reinforce that he needs to go seek help.

I'm still surprised by the revelation. I've never heard of the clothes cutting thing before confused.I also assumed he was quite sorted and OK - that's how he presented himself. I'm still not sure why he told me? But yup not my job to fix him. I'll send him a message later.

NurseButtercup Sun 28-May-17 11:29:02


Do you have form for trying to fix lost causes ?

Valid question and my answer is nope, definitely NOT got my own ish to sort out

AnyFucker Sun 28-May-17 11:30:56

Good decision

I wouldn't call that "self harm" tbh. I'd call it ridiculous tantrumming and would run a mile.

weemouse Sun 28-May-17 11:33:59

Run.For.The.Hills. Fast.As.You.Can

Seriously though, block his number, delete his connection from your profile and move on.

SparklyMagpie Sun 28-May-17 11:36:01

I would block him and stay out of it OP, i don't see what you could get out of this.

Wonder why he only just told you this now ?

AtticusCactus Sun 28-May-17 11:37:13

Your first instinct was the right one.
You both wanted different things from the get go anyway so what was in it for you (even if he wasn't destroying his clothes)?
Leave him to it.

NurseButtercup Sun 28-May-17 11:41:47

I don't get how cutting up clothes offers any sense of release? My mo is chocolate, cake and/or vodka.

Tantrumming is an interesting descriptor...
I don't want to think too deeply about why he does it that's why he should go to a counsellor. I just sent him a message suggesting he contact the Samaritans as first port of call. And wishing him well.

Thankyou for your replies my friends IRL are busy.

I mainly wanted to check I wasn't being a bitch by blocking his number and running off.

DownTownAbbey Sun 28-May-17 11:43:15

Trust your gut. He's clearly either damaged or got a fairly serious MH issue. Or there's some elaborate scam going on here. Run.

ChickenBhuna Sun 28-May-17 11:45:25

You're not being a bitch. You owe this man nothing. You were kind to continue speaking with him after he declared he wanted completely different things from you. I'd have disappeared at that point.

PhilTheSahd Sun 28-May-17 12:17:50

"I don't get how cutting up clothes offers any sense of release?" - seems to me like a way to release anger or stress by damaging something, without it actually hurting or causing physical harm to a living thing. Or maybe the clothes represent on his mind something he hates (about himself perhaps) ?

PhilTheSahd Sun 28-May-17 12:20:30

But yes, directing him to mental health services and making sure that he doesn't get you involved is probably the best option

PoorYorick Sun 28-May-17 12:20:46

I'm less concerned about the clothes than I am about the fact he's this hung up on someone he's never met and who, by the timeframe alone, should be well in the past.

You met recently, you're FWB. He doesn't get to use you as a crutch for his psychological and emotional issues when he's not prepared to make a commitment to go alongside it. You owe him nothing, and you do owe yourself some self preservation.

I don't understand why women think it's their job to fix broken men who offer nothing.

HildaOg Sun 28-May-17 13:18:08

Run. But first I'd tell him to stop wasting his time mourning over the catfish. He's in love with someone who doesn't exist or she would have met him. Maybe if he realises he's ruining his clothes over a likely lonely 30 stone man, then he'll feel like enough of an idiot to stop with the tantrums and grow up.

NurseButtercup Sun 28-May-17 22:23:18

Thanks for advice and thoughts. I wish I'd seen your comment HildaOg about "catfish & 30 stone man" before I'd blocked and deleted him. grin

Shayelle Mon 29-May-17 06:57:23

Hes trying to reel you in. Steer well clear

FritzDonovan Mon 29-May-17 13:05:31

Yeah, I wouldn't class cutting up clothes as self harm either. I think (as a pp said) it's more a demonstration and release for anger rather than self destructive harm. I'm no professional, of course. But its probably not healthy to be around.

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