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Do I stay in a marriage that's over just for the financial security?

(18 Posts)
Iminhiding Sat 27-May-17 19:39:21

Name change for this.

Married to DH for 15yrs and two DS, 8 and 6.

Things not been great for a few months and now we sleep in separate rooms. It's no longer a marriage, we're more like brother and sister.

I have thought about divorce so we can both move on and meet someone else, but tbh we both seem OK plodding along like this and we're getting on well.

I don't work so the thought of leaving scares me financially so question is, if we both get on well and seem happy living like mates then do I stay just for the financial security for a few years so the DS are a bit older?

broodynmoody Sat 27-May-17 19:49:48

Only you can answer that OP. Seems like you've made your mind up already or you would have left.
A lot of couples (though they wouldn't admit to it) are with eachother for companionship, sake of their children or financial security. If you think you and your partner can live the rest of your days like this, so be it, its your lifegrin

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sat 27-May-17 19:54:07

It's hardly a great example of forming /nurturing and maintaining adult relationships to your dc though. .
Will they not have guilt as adults that you sacrificed a new life for them? Plenty of dc thrive and flourish between 2 homes. .

PsychedelicSheep Sat 27-May-17 20:01:11

I couldn't. Intimacy, fun and sex are too important to me. Far more so than money/status.

My kids live between two homes, it's absolutely fine and their dad is in a happy relationship and so am I. Far more healthy to model happiness with a partner I think.

millifiori Sat 27-May-17 20:06:18

Why don't you put the huge amount of energy and thought it would take to split, find new homes, get a job etc into making your marriage work instead? I don't mean that judgementally. But all long marriages go through phases which lack excitement and closeness. You say you're getting on well. Can you discuss some projects you'd like to work on together - places to visit, things to do, goals to reach? Can you go away together - not necessarily romantically if neithe rof you feel that way, but just to have fun together and grow closer.

It's not a fashionable opinion on MN but I strongly believe that if you have DC, OK marriages are well worth salvaging. Not suggesting you stay in a bad marriage, but that you make it a good one. Which should be possible if your husband is up for it too.

museumum Sat 27-May-17 20:21:33

If you get on so well, why are you in separate bedrooms?
I'm not being facetious. I think this is important. If you are unable to share a bedroom then how long do you think you can continue to share a home and life? I can't answer because I don't know why you're in separate bedrooms but my feeling is either you fix the issues that have you in separate rooms or they will grow till you are not happy sharing a home/life.
(Unless it's just snoring or something very practical).

Iminhiding Sat 27-May-17 20:23:00

Milli, I have been trying to make it work for the past 5yrs. But too much has happened now, including him cheating on me.

Iminhiding Sat 27-May-17 20:32:36

I don't fancy him anymore nor am I in love with him, I have felt like this for a while. He has never really been affectionate, gives his phone more attention then me. It's always been me that instigates everything, days/nights out, holidays, childcare etc.

We never really argued much, which is why we still get on, but I've been telling him for the last 5yrs that he needs to show me some affection and put the effort into our marriage or it will die, and that's what's happened.

He had a ONS as well so that was the icing on the cake really.

sunshinesupermum Sat 27-May-17 20:37:19

It's time you made a new life for yourself OP and not be second best. Your kids will survive but growing up in a loveless marriage sends out the wrong signals to them.

Give yourself the chance of finding someone who really loves and cares about you. No matter how well you get on with your husband the fact that he's cheated on you and thinks you are there whatever he gets up to does not bode well for you. Get out while you can. Good luck

museumum Sat 27-May-17 20:54:25

In that case OP you don't love him like a brother do you? You're justifiably hurt and angry.
So no, I don't think you should stay together.

jeaux90 Sat 27-May-17 20:59:55

I wouldn't settle for this as my life no. It sounds mediocre at best.

Hermonie2016 Sat 27-May-17 22:46:05

It seems like he is making the choice to stay in the marriage despite being unfaithful.

No wonder you are not happy, he's treating you badly.Your self esteem must be impacted.

Ellisandra Sun 28-May-17 00:33:59

I wouldn't want my children to grow up thinking it was normal for a married couple to sleep apart.
You won't be showing each other any affection.
There was no affection between my XH and I (he cheated, I was financially independent but dithering over my child experiencing divorce).
One day I thought - if my daughter accepts an affectionless marriage because I modelled that for her, I will be devastated. I felt guilty at the thought. I dumped him.
Now, my daughter calls her stepfather and me "the lovebirds" teasingly. That's what I wanted her to see was normal.

If you're staying for the finances, at least get a job so you're moving towards being able to go. It will be soul destroying to stay.

Also... he's cheated. No guarantee next time he does he won't get asked to leave you for her - and do it. Then my love you going to be facing the financial problem anyway. Time to go back to work, now the kids are in school and there are two of you to pay for childcare.

noova61 Sun 28-May-17 11:54:09

My sister has done/still is doing this. She and her hubby unhappy, living in same house. She does all the cooking, washing, cleaning, seeing to the kids and taking them to school etc... hes a high earner, they live in a fabulous house. She wants the lifestyle and comforts and status his money has given her for almost 15yrs, she and her daughter have horses, do all the big shows, show jumping, dressage...the costs a lot of money and shes not pepared to give that up for anything, her son has his own interests. Shes cheated on him and had an abortion, the OM asked her leave her hubby and move away with him and the kids, she wouldnt coz he wouldnt be able to keep her in the standard she had become accustomed to, so she stayed. She doesnt work and has no intention of doing so. The kids know, the daughter isnt bothered as long as she gets to keep her pony, but her son is deeply troubled (hes the eldest) and is worried its all going to go tits up (my words). If her hubby decided to leave she would be screwed finachially big time..think about what you want long term...happiness, fun, friends, a life, self respect etc or a lousy life and money. I know what I would do.

Earlybird Sun 28-May-17 13:26:44

If you decide to stay because it suits you atm, use the time wisely.

In your shoes, I'd be actively working toward a new life. Whenever you split, you'll need to work / earn. Put some effort into going back to school, training for a new job / getting qualified to do something that can support you, etc.

Obviously, choose something that interests you, but be sure to train for something that is in demand, and that pays a decent salary. That way, when the time comes to end things, you'll feel more ready and secure.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 28-May-17 14:02:20

This is no relationship model to show your children and staying within this for financial security is simply not a good enough reason to stay.

By being together and miserable as you are, both of you are preventing yourselves from properly moving on with other people. Do not whatever you do plod on like this till the children leave home; they already have some idea that things between mum and dad are not good (they have also likely seen and heard more than you care to realise, after all sound travels). I sincerely hope that they do not blame themselves for their parents both spoken and unspoken antipathy and dislike towards each other.

All the two of you are dong between you is showing your children that a loveless marriage will be their norm too. Its being done for your own selfish reasons i.e. financial security; not for or because of them. One of you will need to be the grown up here and end this sham of a marriage.

Lemonnaise Sun 28-May-17 16:09:21

This could only work in the short term. What happens if/when one of you meet someone else? Does he know your thoughts about all this?

Oopsthatstornit Sun 28-May-17 18:28:19

I'm in a very similar position.

i do work, part time, but because if my age and income I cannot get a mortgage to move out, nor indeed to stay here.

I want to move if we split as if I don't I won't be able to keep working logistical reasons) but would need to find rented, which would be difficult because of the area and children and pets.

This no way of me earning enough to get a mortgage. I've asked family to help by way of a loan, but they have refused.

I know how you feel. I feel so stuck.

I agree it's not good for the dcs, but the alternative is not exactly sparkling!

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